| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Does he love me or not?I'm 25, bf 24. We're in grad school together, dating for 10 mos (incl 3 long-distance, while he was in Eur. over the summer and I in NY), friends 4 mos before dating. I've had 2 very serious relationships, both of which lasted about two years and had serious talks about marriage. He's hooked up with lots of girls and had random, undefined 1- to 2-wk flings but never a real relationship. Before we started dating, I asked why, and he said he just never met a girl he felt like spending a lot of time with, so it didn't seem worth it. So, while I've been in love twice, deeply (and he knows this), he's never been in love before (and he knows I know this).About 4 mos ago, he had an ego attack related to the fact that we're in the same school program and he can't not compete with me. I made better grades (which shouldn't matter, but does to him), and the idea that we'd be 'competing' for jobs this semester really got to him. I was really lucky in recruiting and got offers with a couple of very selective firms that my bf would have loved to work for. He had some bad luck, and the same firms turned him down. He ended up with only one job offer, which to anyone outside of our grad school probably seems like *not a problem* but people here get really obsessed with prestige and accomplishment, so, while it's not right, it's not unusual that he feels bad about it.Over the summer, before recruiting started, my bf was really sweet. He's not typically very expressive, but while away he sent me sappy e-cards, he emailed constantly, talked about how much he missed me, wanted me to learn his native language b/c it's important to him that his kids know how to speak it (I agreed and have learned a fair amount of it). Things were really great. Then, all of a sudden, he had the freakout, and decided to break up with me. In the context of that email, he said he thought he had fallen in love with me, but it was too hard - even though he knew he'd never find someone he could love as much as he could love me, at least it would be easier. Of course, 2 days later he took it back - the breakup was never really official. Since then, things have been rocky, with this semester and the recruiting process really taking a toll on his self-esteem.2 wks ago, he talked abt breaking up, again, b/c he didn't know if he could handle my accepting a position at the firm that rejected him, and he didn't think it was fair for that to be a factor in my decision - the logic was that if he broke up with me, I wouldn't make my decision on the basis of his personal hang-ups. It was kind of sweet, if twisted, but he was in a pretty emotional state that week - very depressed. My question is, how do I know what this guy's true feelings are? His behavior is so back and forth. He told me last month that he knows he hasn't felt like trying to make me happy in a long time, and he doesn't know when he'll feel like that again. But he swears it's the depression, and he needs me to be patient. He's never outright mean to me, or hurtful - just kind of intermittently distant. Of course, I'm crazy about him and honestly, I want to marry him probably, so even intermittently distant is heart-breaking. I don't know whether I should keep waiting.He's never said "I love you" to me, and I've never said it to him. Does that mean he doesn't? Is there a way to find out? Should I bother trying to find out? Does it matter whether his feelings for me reach some magic threshold to qualify as "love"?My parents are coming in a week and want to meet him. He's said he's ok with this, but I'm getting nervous. What should I do?
View related questions:
broke up, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2005): hey, i feel for u becuase i myself have been deeply in love before and things didnt work out. for the most part guys are a complete mystery. they react to things in such erratic ways that its so hard to figure out what is really going on inside their heads. all i can tell u is what i think. i dont know u i dont know ur boyfreind so my opinion is compeltly unbaised, but based on my past experience i can tell u this: ur man is scared shitless. its as simple as that. u are getting better grades and u have receieved these prestigeous job offers and men are really competetive and maybe he feels like he cant provide for u. or not provide enough anyway. this is a good sign and a bad sign. its bad becuase hes being a dick and breaking up with u in an emial and thats totally unacceptable and becuase hes blaming u, running away, not being vocal about his feelings and basically being a guy. however his feelings shows he cares about u. if he didnt care he would hang on to u for the ride, let u earn the money and basically use u. but he does care thats why hes acting like this. he wants to provide for u and take care of u wether hes saying it or not. hes also scared cuz hes never been in love and hes sacred that ur too good for him. how can he fall in love with a girl that is going to have a better job. i know its sounds supid but guys are weird like that. u need to reassure him of ur feelings and let him take some active part in ur life, just to boost his male ego. for example let him drive when u guys r in the car. or ask his opinion on wich job u should take so that he feels like he has some control over the decisions u make. ultimatley he dosent because u will chose whats right for u. but he dosent have to know that. i wish u the best of luck and if he continues being and jerk and making u feel like shit then dump him. u have everything going for u and u dont need som one in ur life who will bring u down professionally or emotionally because of his own insecurities.
A
reader, Angel-lee +, writes (29 November 2005):
It doesnt mean that he doesnt, it might be that he is waiting for you to say it. Why dont you just bite the bullett and say "i love you" first. If you are comfortable around eachother then you can be honest. Otherwise, why not just ask him if he is in love with you? you will never know if you dont ask
...............................
|
