A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,I'm a very paranoid person and I've started to recognise that it's now getting to a point where it's out of control. I can be fine one minute and the next be flipping out with my fiancé talking to some girl at work. I think because that's how we met I keep thinking he will meet someone else and leave me for them as I feel I'm not good enough and also I know he can't handle my paranoia.I know I am the one with the issue and that I should trust him as he has never really done anything that should make me not trust him. So would like to know if anyone has had therapy for this and also what the best 'cure' would be? I've seen stuff on line for counselling, Cbt and hypnotherapy but not sure what would help most.Grateful for any help you can give.Xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): As Aunty Babbit says, you're cognizant of the issue; so it's not a completely uncontrollable compulsive reaction. The insecurity may arise from conditioning you've had since you were a child. So many women these days are traumatized by men who are cheaters and manipulators. Even by their own fathers, and how they treated their mothers. Young girls lose faith in the ability of men to control their sexual urges and impulses, from the time they're teens. They think boys are never satisfied with the girl they have. True in many case, but not all. There are exceptions to every rule of life. All women can't control their sexual urges, all women are not faithful, and all women aren't happy with the man they have. No matter how faithful and good he is to them.Some women also don't recognize their own pattern of choosing a "type of guy," who is most likely to hurt them. So they repeatedly become attracted to the very sort of man who can't commit. They look for clones of the same guy who hurt them before. They can't let go of him; so they find his replacement. Flaws and all. Even identical looks.So they drag this baggage from one relationship to the next.Even if you're under treatment with a therapist, you have to deal with the paranoia. You have to learn to suppress the anxiety that arises out of unfounded fear. Fear is a lie. It is mostly anxiety over what hasn't happened yet; or never will. It's supposed to be an emotional tool for survival. Fight or flight to preserve life, and your well-being. Not an emotion that rules and shapes our personality.You sometimes have to repeat affirmations like when you were a child. "You don't believe in the boogie-man, there is no monster under my bed, there is no creature in my closet." Repeat to yourself that "you have a handle on your jealousy and fear of losing him." Over and over, as many times as you feel necessary to ease your tension. Say it aloud. Whisper it to yourself. Scream it in the shower!Once you convince your subconscious mind; you'll give yourself peace. When you feel the anxiety mounting in your thoughts, just repeat "it's okay." You know it's just fear trying to sabotage your wonderful new relationship. You've got it all under control. Force yourself. How did humanity cope with life before pills and counseling?Why didn't they all end up in asylums and mental institutions? There's nothing new under the sun, when it comes to our feelings and emotions.Switch from emotion to logic. "Why am I afraid that he's cheating, he's only talking to a female?" You talk to men. Do you want to screw every good-looking man who shares conversation with you? If you do, there's your problem. You are projecting your distrust of yourself onto him. If not. Back to logic.Let maturity take over. Let the little girl inside, go to bed. Stop letting her tell you what to do. Let the woman you have grown to be take over. You've been through a lot; but you also learned a lot. All men are not the same. You have to judge us one at a time. Not by people you knew before you met him. Are you sure "you'll" never be tempted by other men? Can you read the future? NO! You can't.Don't create self-fulfilling prophecy by creating scenarios in your head about him; thinking you know ahead of time how he'll behave with other women. You'll drive yourself crazy, and drive him away. Then you'll blame the guy. He may as well be guilty of the crime; if he has been judged, accused, and sanctioned. Maturity is given to us with age. We have to stop behaving like children once we look like grownups. No therapist can magically transform you into a sane person. They can only point out your weaknesses, and you have to figure out how to deal with them. It's all on you, and within you.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (24 October 2013):
 There is no "cure" for jealousy but you have taken the first step in recognising that you have the problem and that it's harmful.
I would recommend counselling. This is no quick fix and is not an easy thing to do but will be worth it if you can conquer this fear.
You will have to talk about everything to be able to identify why you behave as you do and you will learn coping strategies to support you when that green eyed monster rears it's ugly head. Surprisingly the obvious causes of a problem are not the only ones compounding it and there may be past issues you've all but thought you'd forgotten that are impacting on your life now.
This can be emotionally draining so you will need your boyfriends support and reassurance throughout this process so make sure he's backing you all the way.
You can overcome this problem and I admire you for admitting and recognising it.
I hope this helps AB x
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