A
female
age
41-50,
*ilyanna
writes:I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating the other day, and while I know that masturbating is completely normal, and I have nothing against it at all, it really hurt me for some reason. I think it hurt me because we rarely have sex, and he claims that he tries to have sex with me all the time, but we don't because I am not on the pill and he doesn't like using condoms. I use other methods of birth control, but I haven't had it available for the past few weeks. The day I walked in on him, he knew I was coming home at a certain time, and I came in a few minutes earlier than I had told him. I asked him why he was doing that when he could have waited another 25 minutes for me to get home, and he could have tried having sex with me. He said because I didn't have birth control, but he could have at least tried to do "other things" with me, so I don't understand.I feel like he is not attracted to me at all anymore, and he says he is, but he doesn't act like it at all. It just really hurt my feelings that he would rather look at lesbian porn and masturbate when he could have sex with me any time he wants. I don't fantasize about other guys, and it makes me sad to know that he does.Anyway sorry this is so long but I just don't really know if my reaction is normal, or if I am being totally irrational.
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condom, lesbian, porn, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): you know what i think. Birth Control is not the problem. He is a jerk get rid of him. i mean he would rather jerk off then be with you. He is a LOSER you deserve better than that someone who respects your feelings.
A
female
reader, lillymay  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 hi,
i am so sorry.i wasnt sure,thankyou 4 explaining.
it sounds to me that something is not rite.u have to decide,do u want to accept things the way they are or do you want to change these things that are making u unhappy and down on yourself.that is not fair to u.
have u explained to him how it makes u feel as a woman that he rejects u and pretends there is no problem.
this life is not a reheashal huni and u have this one life to be happy.if u decide u want to change then id advise u tell him if he doesnt want to talk to u and sort things out then maybe u should think about weather u want to stay in an unhappy relationship.its up to u what u do and how far u take things with him but do u really want to spend your life feeling unloved and unhappy.u deserve so much better,u sound like a lovely person.
as ever,good luck and im here if u need some more advise.well for what my advise is worth that is,i just go on my life experience and if thats anything to go on if u give him a choise of loosing u and he loves u,he will talk and work it out.if he doesnt i think u need to reavaluate our reationship.
lillymayx
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A
female
reader, lillymay +, writes (4 April 2009):
hi sweeti,
to be honest it does sound as if all is not well in the sex department.why do u not have access to contrceptive pill.im thinking maybe you are younger than u have said.its fine,im not here to judge you,and i am sorry if i am wrong thinking you are younger than you say.
it is completely normal that your boyfriend watches and masterbated to porn,all men do it even some woman enjoy porn.it can really spice up your sex life and it can lead to amazing sex when u watch porn as a couple.
it isnt rite though that you 2 as a couple arent having regular sex.
your boyfriend is rite to be cautious if you 2 are not ready or old enough to have a child.maybe thats affecting him haveing sex wih you.it mite be as simple as he is worried you will fall pregnant.there is nothing wrong with being careful and safe during a sexual relationship.
try and talk to him.approax him nicely saying u just wana talk things over with him.ask him if he prefers porn to u or would he like it if u watched it as a couple.there are safe ways to have sex.go to your nearest clinic and speak to someone about your options.
ask your boyfriend what he really wants and whats stopping the 2 of u being sexual.tell him whatever itis the two of u can work it out.ask him if he wants to end the relationship and ask him to be honest.if u do this rather than shout,cry,scream or nag,u should get an honeast reaction from him.men do not take well to nagging and accusing,it puts there gaurd up.make him comfortable and put him in a good mood and then casually bring the subjuct up.
i hope this has helped and if i can help u at all again dont hesitate to write to me.
please let me no how it turns out 4 u.
lilltmay.x
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A
female
reader, lilyanna +, writes (4 April 2009):
lilyanna is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much, I am not on the pill because the hormones affect me negatively, so I usually use contraception strips, which work great for both of us, but even when I do have it, we hardly have sex.
I agree that we need to talk and communicate with each other, but he refuses to talk about it. I think he's embarrassed, which I understand but he NEVER wants to talk about things like this. We have been together for 5 years, so we are comfortable with each other but he just doesn't ever want to talk about things with me.
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A
female
reader, say_anything  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 your reaction is understandable. the lack of sex is probably making you feel insecure without the physical reassurance that he finds you attractive, and maybe it's worse because you're the one deciding not to have sex with him - for perfectly intelligent and sensible reasons, don't get me wrong. i admire you for being resolute about not having unprotected sex.
some boys might use masturbation as a quick fix as they only need to worry about satisfying themselves. i don't think there's any issue with masturbation but i understand it isn't a nice feeling when it appears to replacing sex in a relationship. but that said, i think it is better for your boyfriend to be masturbating than pressurising you for unprotected sex, surely, as you say sex is not an option currently as you don't have access to the methods of birth control you feel comfortable using. the pill is a very good method, once you find the right one for you, so you might want to consider that, but condoms are one of the best types of disease prevention. have you discussed why your boyfriend doesn't like using condoms? i don't think a lot of boys "like" it, but it's one of those things you have to do; it would be nice if he could be mature enough to try them so you could have sex because that is clearly important to you. explain to him that he is upsetting you and emphasize the fact you really want to have sex with him to flatter him and make him feel wanted (he could possibly be feeling rejected too, maybe if he's slept with people previously who didn't press the condom matter), but obviously not without protection!
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I can understand you're upset and it's a shame your boyfriend doesn't see what the issue is. Maybe he just wanted the relief without having to please you as well.
You need to talk honestly with him, if the only issue is the lack of birth control then you really need to sort something out, have you though about using the injection pill? Maybe you could also suggest that sometimes you'd be happy for a quickie, rather than a long love making session. Or and as sad as it may seem right now, maybe your relationship just isn't what it use to be and it's time you guys went your separate ways.
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