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He treats me like his girlfriend yet says he's not after a girlfriend at this time..? What's happening here?

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Question - (11 June 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 June 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

i recently started seeing this guy and he is absolutely amazing. he isn't like any other guy i've dated before. he doesn't expect me to pay all the time-the first time i offered to pay he wouldn't let me, and he opens doors for me. he says that hes not looking for a relationship right now but the signals i'm getting are saying differently. we hold hands, kiss, he kissed my hand last night, we have had sex but he doesn't expect it all the time, he kisses me before i leave, and we have also hugged-it lasted longer than i expected it would. i kind of get the feeling that he really likes me but is afraid for some reason. can someone please help me? i'm really confused as to what to think.

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (11 June 2010):

dirtball agony auntIt might be best to tell him you feel like you're getting mixed signals. Say that your past experiences have led you to believe that when someone acts like this, they are usually looking for more. Sometimes the direct approach is best. If you like him, it is best to know where he truely stands, and what his motivations are for the relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks for the advice. we've only had sex once but stopped we've held hands and kissed and not had sex while we were out and he still acted like a great guy and is basically pampering me which i'm not used to because previous dates never treated me like this. still not sure what to think-its not just about the sex with him at all and i don't know how to talk to him about it. i am falling for him hard and am scared because of past circumstances that i wouldn't like to discuss but i don't know if he is falling for me too and is scared because he also has been hurt in the past.he's also wanting to meet the family which has made it even more confusing. how should i go about talking to him about it?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010):

1 sentence: friends with benefits

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (11 June 2010):

dirtball agony auntYes, you should listen to what he says, not how he acts. He may in fact like you more than he lets on. It may be just like Dear Jilly said. Basically he has told you he doesn't want a relationship. While this could mean a couple of different things, it is best to let him know where you stand. I would also suggest not sleeping with him anymore until you are comfortable with his intentions.

Remember, with guys, it is best to listen when they say they aren't looking for something serious. While this could mean anything from a player to someone who has been hurt by a recent breakup, it is up to you to find out why, and if that is something you can live with.

If you stop putting out, and he goes away, you'll have your answer for sure.

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A female reader, WhisperingSounds United States +, writes (11 June 2010):

WhisperingSounds agony auntHe seems like a nice boy that really likes you. Maybe he is just afraid of a commitment. Prehaps you should talk him about it? If you two really like eachother then hes sure to understand why you are confused about this. He could be one of those guys who wants to make sure your trust worthy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010):

Ah..guys and ' not interested in a relationship right now' scenario, yet giving very CLEAR mixed messages to you.

Of course he's being nice to you, why wouldn't he be, and I'm sure he likes you, but his words have told you, he's not looking for a relationship, then he goes and holds your hand, kisses you at the right times, opens doors, so in your mind, you feel confused, he says one thing yet acts another. You like most young females, would take this as an indication he is interested in a relationship, but guys, and this is not a critique, just down to mother nature and male genes, can and do all these nice things and NOT become emotionally involved.

This I'm afraid can go hand in hand with a guy who is simply looking for ALL the content and the trimmings of what you would consider a grown-up relationship, when in reality, he has clearly told you he's NOT looking for a relationship. This kind of lets him of the hook, or so he thinks, because if and when he draws this to a close, when may be you are getting (and quite rightly so, more attached and emotionally involved ) Poof!! he's gone, moving on to the next female repeating the whole cycle.

I understand you are keen on this guy, but IF a guy tells a female he's not into a relationship right now, and she ends up having sex with him, this does not secure her position with him at all. In his mind, he's told you straight, so if you do ( or in your case, have ) end up in bed with him, he's presuming that you go along with his mind set.

Not sure if you are both the same age, or he's older, some how I think older..Why not try to talk to him, but whatever you do, try not to corner him, make any demands, or give ultimatums. Just tell him how YOU feel, and if you still get the same answers, you will have to make up your mind whether to remain dating him, knowing the status quo, or WALK!

So difficult when you really like someone..I know I've been there in the past. Lots of luck!

Jilly x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2010):

Well it's simple but not good, he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend but he wants to have some sexuall fun with you. If you ask him how he feels about you and it's what your hoping then that's great but if he isn't I'd suggest stopping sleeping with him etc because you'll just all for him more.

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