A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have been friends with this guy for a couple of year, he was in 3rd year at uni when I started. I've always had feeling for him and just adore him. He left uni and moved back home last year, but this summer agreed to home back to have a relationship with me. I was so happy. I had just split with a bf who although very clever and I had a lot in common with just didn't feel right.The problem is, my bf has massive issues. His dad was abusive towards his mum, and he is terrified he'll end up like him. It doesn't help that he knows I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. His issues mean that he can't be intimate with me. It took a lot but now he's ok with us having sex. However, we still have no intimacy, he can't be romantic and I feel he's pushing me away. I love him so much but this is killing me. I don't want to stop fighting for this but I'm so tired.Please help me. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): He has massive issues and you are tired and getting more tired. Rehabilitation should be the answer, right away, and by himself. Therapy can take years and he may just need to be out of a relationship in this time also to start seeing himself as more independent. Assure him he will continue to have all your support, and agree that you can and will maintain contact to check on each other and possibly return to where you were once he deals with these issues. Quick exercise: would you regret it if you spent two more years in this relationship in case nothing changes? There would be four in the aggregate then!Now he is neglectful towards you, unloving, and this after a couple of years of patience. The situation may worsen. A positive change must occur from his rationalising his issues, his hesitance to intimacy, to understand the impact of his behaviours to the well being of a relationship. It's even possible he may be 'protecting' you by estranging you from what he thinks are incorrectable issues that he has. But at the same time, he does not break up due to a nonunitary will and general confusion. He should educate himself to think in case people he interacts with feel subjected to abuse, they will simply object, as they can take care of their own protection. My guess is that a talk wouldn't solve much if you haven't managed to convince him in two years, which is, by the way, unreasonable to expect of you, as you don't have the expertise; he has to manage to see himself as an individual apart from his family because it seems the only reality that he knows is the one he grew in and doesn't see himself as capable to create another. He is reacting without realising to his childhood memories of an abusive background, thus keeps mirroring those patterns. Maybe he sees his parents' mistakes as his own because he was taught that he was an extension of them and not a separate entity, and this is why he is ashamed to let you close to him, in his intimacy, because you will 'see' those presumed mistakes that he assumes, that he takes upon himself. It's a very intricate field, that of thoughts swarming in his head due to a painful past. The best you can do for him is assist him as a friend and encourage him to address these issues in the rightest way, by talking to a counsellor that will help him gain more insight in his world and systemise his thoughts and fears, explain them and understand their logic and how to deal with them...
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