A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have an on again off again “relationship” with a man who is intent on not having a relationship and I am really confused. We get on great, the sex is great, we socialise together and have lots of mutual friends yet he does not want a boyfriend – girlfriend relationship with me. In fact he says he doesn’t want a relationship with any woman! He says he has been hurt in the past and isn’t willing to risk it again. I know that there isn’t anyone else in his life (it’s a small town I would know!) so I have to accept what he says. He ended a three-year relationship over a year ago but says he still isn’t ready to move on. I find this difficult to understand as I ended an 11 year relationship at the same time and despite the fact this ended badly as the relationship had soured over a long time this has not deterred me from wanting to try again with someone else.I know people react differently, but am I right to take him at face value? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want a relationship with someone he clearly likes!
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (21 March 2009):
In my experience, women usually stay in a relationship and try to work through it until they are totally exhausted and only then do they leave. For men, I feel like they don't even begin to deal with the pain and issues until after it's over. I think this is why it's easier for women to move on after a breakup than men.
As for commitment issues, in my experience yes - you definitely need to take him at face value. If he says he doesn't want a relationship then he means it. No amount of ultimatums or persuasion is going to get him there. In fact, likely it will just drive him away. Unfortunately men are different than women and don't have the emotional skills we do. They can be huge babies when they've been hurt. But you need to respect where he is right now.
Also, it's very hard to turn a non-committed sexual relationship into a committed one. The hard truth is you need to decide what you want for you. If you want a committed relationship then you need to tell this guy that as much as you enjoy him, you are ultimately looking for a commitment so while you are happy enough to be friends with him you need to move on now and find what you are looking for. Then do that. He will respect that.
Then you need to do that and move on. If at some point in the future he feels ready to try again he may look you up or he may not. But you need to understand that's beyond your control and you can only do what is right for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): why does he have to follow your rules? he obviously wants to wait, so why not wait?
sounds to me like you already have a relationship. Maybe withdraw the sex part of the deal- its probably confusing him....cake and eat it and all that.
give him a deadline of say 3 months and then say you need more after this point or you will turn the heat down to a simmer.
star.x.
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