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anonymous
writes: I have been with my bf for 14 yrs. We have 3 children 10, 2, & 1. Over the yrs we have been through some rough times and always managed to come out of the other side. BBut this time i really dont know what to do. He tends to binge drink and i feel he puts the beer before me and the children. I've asked, told, begged, cried -everything to get him to stop, but he wont. He will go to work and not come home for hours after he has finished. He either turns his phone off or just ignores me while im worrying myself sick thinking something could have happened to him. 1 week ago we had a long chat and he promised not to do it any more but just 7 days later he did it again. Should i call it a day and ask him to leave or should i carry on? Reply to this Question
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reader, pops +, writes (23 June 2005):
People run to the bottle, or drugs, or other women because they can't face the real problems that knaw at their guts. With married men, its usually related to finances, and their job. They are not experiencing the success they had hoped for, and they feel trapped between a career they no longer enjoy, and the need to support a growing family. He needs counseling for his alcohol dependency. But he needs counseling for his underlying problems, and help in dealing with them. Once that is resolved, he will be able to walk away from the bottle. The second most common problem, behind finances, for married men, is problems with their wives. What has happened between you two since you became pregnant with that third child?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2005): He is an alcolholic. He can't choose you because he can't stop. His body needs the drink and he wants to live. I know it is hard to believe, but until you live it you could never know the shame and hell that he is living.After, 25 plus years my family finally gave up on my dad because he did what your bf did. There is nothing, I repeat NO thing, you can or even should do, nor do you have the right to do. That is, unless you want to prolong the hell you now live in. The only thing you can do is allow him to hit bottom and go to Alanon or Coda (Co dependants Anon.) He will have to hit his own bottom anywhay so make sure he is allowed to. Do not however, abuse him and cause problems or he will have an excuse to drink.You will know you are on your way to recovery for your family when you admit defeat and acknowledge that he, as an adult, has the right to ruin his life. You have the right to take it or leave it. But please don't think that leaving will necessarily do anything but give you a bit of time to find another addict/alcoholic/gambler.....If I were you, I would get my hands on some lit. from AA or Alanon etc.. Try one or more of the following:"One day at a time", "The Language of letting go", "Al_Anon works (for Families and friends of Alcoholics)"....This will give you a second by second life line. Next, learn what role many others in your place played in sustaining the disease and try to see how you enable him to drink- then stop doing those things. Also, do not take the bait and argue, plead, or give excuses for his behavior since these are examples of roles families take on to aid alcoholism. Do not allow him to make you the reason he drinks. Be compassionate! He is probably terrified and unable to stop. No one wants to do the things drunks do. They CANNOT stop. It is not a matter of what he puts first. If he asked that you stop breathing for a day, would you do it? Could you even if you wanted to?? No, because your body needs the air. His body is addicted to booze and he cannot at this time live without it. Take care of your kids and self and refuse to give him any excuse. If he is abusive in these states, try to leave. If you can't, go the the mall or for a drive till he passes out. Get your kids into Al-Atee so that they have the best chance of a sane childhood. Then they will see others have this problem too. Find friends in the meetings who will help you. Helping yourself via A 12 step program (for those sho love addictive people,) will hasten the day that he can see the problem is his alone and that the 12 steps can save your life. Only then MIGHT he go for help himself. Might is the key word. My dad after 18 mos sobriety and 1 year of rehab (for the fourth time now) is currently drunk. But the beauty is that I can finally feel so bad for him... for about 10 seconds, then I get back to my life.As the Bible says,- only after you remove the debris that blinds your own eyes, will you be able to see clear enough to be able to assist him in opening his eyes.Good luck to you . If you need to email and talk personally, please use my acct name and put an at msn and then .com after. I would be happy to recommend other resources for you. Or you can search on line and you will find a weath of info for ideas on what you feel comfortable doing next.If you can learn exactly how to get not only peace of mind, but also learn the tools you will need to live in general now that you know you attract a certain type, you have the greatest chance to make the greatest difference. (PS- my use of the word drunks is not meant to be an insult, it is just what they do so, naturally it becomes what they are. Alcoholism only gets worst or it kills you. Only hitting bottom will shock him into wanting recovery. Lets hope his bottom is somewhere above death.)
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