A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this guy I work with I like and recently we've become closer as friends. He seems to really enjoy my company and has confide in me some very personal things. But now I have come to the conclusion that he has a live in girlfriend! I'm 99% sure, the only small doubt being that he's never come out and called her his girlfriend. But still, it seems pretty obvious. Anyway the thing I don't get is that he almost never mentions her! He's only ever brought her up by name a couple of times but most of the time he refers to her by saying "we" for example "We ran out of wheat bread so I had to use white." just little things like that. He doesn't talk about her when he tells me what he's been up to or in his plans. He only said once that she was spending a holiday with her mom. But it's never "we went to a party" it's always "I went to a party".So now that we've become closer he tells me a lot about himself. He always goes on and on about his family (his parents and sibs) and how they've always been there for him during his hard times, I can really tell how much he loves his family. You'd think he'd go on and on about his girlfriend this way, I mean to me it would be impossible to not mention my boyfriend if he lived with me.I don't think he's one of those "players" who's trying to lure me in and not ruin it by mentioning his girlfriend. He's always been very gentlemanly (part of the reason I like him so) towards me but he's never come on to me or anything like that. He doesn't seem to be trying to hide her from me, he doesn't blatantly avoid talking about her. He just never seems to have anything to say about her. I haven't even heard him mention her to other people and nobody I asked knew if he had a girlfriend.It's not like I ask him, I'm too nervous he might see right through it and scare him off. But I never asked him about his family either, yet he gushes about them all the time to me. I just don't understand how a guy who lives with his girlfriend almost never talks about her, only in passing. I'm really curious to hear what other might think the reason behind this is. You know besides he's a "player".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I am in a similar situation with someone that I have recently become closer to...I liked him for three years and felt that we had this extra-special way of interpreting the kind of work that we have to do - I can safely say that we love the way that each other thinks about things...but I was aware really early on that he has a wife or partner and they have a child. He is a really responsible man and so highly respected in his field that I am sure he must feel enormous pressure to always "come up with the goods". I have a grown up child of my own so he has sometimes told me that he feels "restricted" by the responsibility of parenting - I know he is very humble so I feel he is actually minimising how he really feels. He is in no way a "player", quite the opposite, in fact he is considered overly formal with most people - he is more an intellectual, shy type and a friend who knew him from years back said people were astonished when he found his girlfriend. Recently he has made, by his own standards, a real effort to spend time outside of work with me - calling me on what seems like the pretext of discussing a project but then spending hours talking with me about other things, buying me dinner, confiding in small ways about his fears about his work and also having a real laugh together and behaving like the perfect gentleman but also kissing me on the cheek to say hello and goodbye and little things like momentarily putting his arm around me to 'protect' me when crossing a busy street. Is there EVER a situation where a man has good reason to be genuinely unhappy in his relationship and has tried to sort it out and realises he can't? I was like this in my marriage, but I don't want to project onto him. People have told me they think he is not happy in his relationship but he just never, ever mentions his partner and I am not sure what to do.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Sooner or later he'll understand your goals and what you are after anyways, won't he? Or how did you think you'd proceed? The norm isn't that boys and girls become friends, the norm is they befriend each other to see if theres relationship material there, and if not then they might turn into friends. What Im saying is that unless he's stupid or naive he has already understood that you like him and are curious about whether he is single or not. Just find a non awkward moment to ask him about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, I really appreciate it. Maybe I am breaking my heart too soon by simply assuming things. I guess it is quite possible that this isn't a girlfriend, I do know people who live with their ex for financial reasons. It still seems pretty unlikely though since that kind of thing still isn't that common.
I guess it really is best to ask him but I'm nervous. Last time, before I thought he had a girlfriend, I wanted to casually ask him out to a bar after work, a bunch of us where going and I really wanted him to come. Well I guess I wasn't very subtle because all I asked him was when he got off work and he just looked at me like he knew I wanted something. He didn't end up coming though because he worked late. I'm just afraid he'll be able to see right through my motive if I do ask. I don't want to lose what we have right now though, it took me a long time to be able to get this close to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Well, it could all be perfectly innocent. He may not have a girlfriend but ovbviously if he does it is a bit odd that he hasn't mentioned her.
If it's really bugging you then just casually ask him in conversation. If you two are good friends by now then it shouldn't be weird to ask him.
If he does have a girlfriend then i suggest you be a bit catious, by all means stay friends but if he suddenly starts asking to meet up outside of work or something then i would back off a bit.
There's no harm in asking.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): He might not be happy with her.
Next time he talks about he's been to a party, etc, ask him, if he took his gf. From there he's gonna have to mention, he did, didn't, or doesn't have one. Either way, he's not gonna be able to get out of it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 December 2010):
He might not be a player, but I'd think he takes his girlfriend for granted, say that he has a girlfriend. Like you said, a normal person don't just NOT mention their live in girlfriend unless he had some hidden agenda. It's just odd.
What if the person he lives with is his sister? Or a friend, a female friend even? And thats why he doesn't mention it? Or, they could have split up and he's not been able to move out yet, and so they still live together but aren't together... or something weird like that.
Next time he mentions any "we", maybe you could sneak in a "who's we?". Until then assume nothing, it could be it's not a girlfriend.
However, if it IS his girlfriend... be cautious, you certainly don't want to be his next girlfriend that he forgets to tell anyone about... Thats just a bit disrespectful if you ask me, like he's ashamed of her, or really takes her for granted like she's a piece of furniture. You don't wanna be that person in his life that he doesn't even think high enough of to bother mentioning.
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