A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:He says he doesn't love me anymore because of something sexual I've done before I even knew him! How can he blame me for this and break my heart like that? How is that fair? He didn't even know me by then. How can he judge me? The sad thing is, I can't leave him and keep lying about it. The truth is too far away now :( What can I do? Thought I could tell him everything because he said, no matter what, he would love me.
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male
reader, shoccs  +, writes (13 November 2010):
Well thats life, ever heard of consequences of your actions? Whether you didnt know him then, your past is affecting him now cant say hes wrong or jealous hes human. Move on lady and find some one who will accept your past. Its not like he didnt love you, hes hurt and what ever he decides its his choice.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Having absolutely no feelings about your partner's past is just as extreme as not accepting anyone but a virgin. Neither of these positions is a very reasonable expectation for the majority of the population.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Everyone has a different level of tolerance for their romantic interest's past sex life. Some people get upset if their lover isn't a virgin; others only get upset over one-night stands or the use of prostitutes. He may be expressing it unproductively, but he cannot help the way he feels about it.More important is the context in which he learned your past. If it was something you said to hurt him during a fight, well, then I understand his reaction. If it was just something you brought up randomly, then that was a bad move on your part. If he asked - well, he should learn to be prepared for answers to the questions he asks.Either way, leaving him now would be tough. The dating scene is brutal to women over 30, and you already have a great history with this guy. I'll assume this fight happened in the past week or so - give him some time to get over it, but try to re-start your intimacy with him. Convince him through actions, not words, that you're all his now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): I dont know your situation miss but I was prob in your boyfriends shoes. Ive always been a one man one woman guy. I was very infatuated with a woman when she offered me her sexual past. All of her past encounters were random and each one involed alcohol and she was drunk. Before the encounters she was in a 2 year relationship. The previous relationship didnt bother me at all...AND only one specific encounter, her most recent last encounter, before she met me had me completely irate. She did not go into every detail but I was mainly upset at the other guy (whom I didnt know). I was upset at him because he had a good time with her on her "vacation", played games, but most of all had sex with her while both were intoxicated. Im rare, an idiot, and probably americans would laugh at me...my morals and values (and not religion) have me thinking never to be with a woman when she's intoxicated, or even has any booze in her system (cause I believe sex is a beautiful act and not casual and should be a pure experience and is prob a reason why im a virgin at 25 as most Americans do not think like me Im convinced) The fact the guy did her and didnt take the condom of her(as it got lost in her for three days), had me very upset because I got the feeling he took advantage of her and in a way raped her as she had to take a pill to ensure she wasnt pregnant. I got so out of hand, I sent the man death threat emails and messages. Yet she didnt have remorse for this encounter or any previous encounters which had me thinking she was a flat out...i wont say it, promiscuous unconscienable woman. In the end, this was part of the reason why we ended our relationship. If he's jealous, and you think the relationship is worth it, I do highly suggest counseling even if it costs some good money. My mental health outweighs my pocket as my mind is part of what keeps me alive and to be thankful for. all the best :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): One simple answer "He does not love you". The truth is, he's upset or jealous (Like everyone else said) about the fact that he wasn't the one who had this sexual experience with you. It's kind of like some men want to be the first to pop the cherry? Well some just want to be the first to explore certain sexual experiences with their partner. And when they realize they were not the first or will not be the first, the feeling of anger, jealousy, betrayal, etc comes to play. This is all part of the so called "Hurting Man Pride". Honestly, I think he was in it for the sex not for love. He's a jerk, forget about him and move on. Find somebody else who's better and who will accept you and your past mistakes and love you for you. A man who loves you won't care about your past and will accept you just the way you are. With your flaws and everything. Nobody is perfect and if there's one thing we humans have in common is that we all commit mistakes we later regret yet learn from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): I'm sorry he says he does not love you. That's a shitty thing to say and I doubt he really just stopped loving you over it. People don't have these kinds of bad reactions to the past when it's a casual partner they don't care about. The painful emotions over the past come when they DO start loving the person. Fair has nothing to do with it. Our actions are in our control but not our feelings. He handled this like an asshole but try to understand that it's coming from a place of emotional hurt that he is in. retro jealousy problem rarely fade away with time. If it hurts him like this now then it will probably keep hurting him years from now. A break up may be for the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Your past is an integral part of who you are, and how you came to be who you are. This is why I insist that before a couple becomes too serious, they need to know about one another's histories.Depending on what it is in your past your partner finds objectionable, I'm not entirely sure I blame him. It may sound judgemental and shallow, but think about it in reverse - let's say for a moment you were falling for this man, and after a year or so of wonderful companionship, partnership, and amazing sex, you found out that he has a conviction for having raped several young children when he was in his early 20's. Wouldn't that sort of thing bring the relationship to a screeching halt?Now I'm not accusing you of any such sort of thing, and I'm sure whatever it is in your past this guy has a problem with, most more secure men would be ok getting over. However, that doesn't mean that this guy shouldn't have the right to apply his own judgement and say whether or not he's ok being with someone who has engaged in behaviors that he finds to be objectionable.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 September 2010):
He has retroactive jealousy. That's not your fault. That's just who he is. I don't have much time for people with retroactive jealously, because it means that they has issues they're not dealing with, and are blaming other people. You shouldn't sit there thinking about this guy. He's just not good enough. You can do better than someone who judges you on things you've done before you've met them. Don't ever bother with someone like this. He should be dealing with his own issues, rather than blaming other people. Focus on your own life and find a better guy.
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