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He can't keep a job, he stays up all nights watching porn and he is avoiding talking about our problems. What can I do to improve this situation?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 December 2007) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 December 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *rchid writes:

My boyfriend of 2 years is a solitary, friendless, introverted person who has barely worked in the 2 years we have been together. He is teaching himself programming at home with the aim of getting a job he wants, although I am concerned about the amount of time this is taking. When he has found work, he is always late for work and has even said that he wants the employer to sack him. In the meantime I have been subsidising him although I can barely afford this. He does help around the house although not very proactively. He stays awake until 5 or 6 in the morning and I know that during this time he watches porn. I am concerned that he is looking at porn daily whereas we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. I feel like he prefers porn to me. I would say that our sex life is good and generally he is very loving and affectionate to me. He says he loves me although during sex he finds it impossible to tell me he loves me. He says he would rather say it afterwards which I find strange. When I confront him with issues, especially about work, he can get very defensive. He just didn't turn up for his last job one day, but instead of discussing it with me, he disappeared to his mother's and stayed overnight - I suspect to avoid me. Can someone offer some advice about improving this situation?

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A female reader, Orchid United Kingdom +, writes (10 December 2007):

Orchid is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the advice. You have all hit on a few things that I had been mulling over for a while but which I needed a second opinion on. I have not considered the avoidant personality type but this seems to fit the pattern as he does have a depressive outlook on life and often feels 'low'. I very much value your replies.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007):

If he is solitary and friendless then how did you meet him? I would give him a few ultimatums, Like, get a job and stop bumming around the house. Get off the porn stuff and get a hobby and stop being up half the night and get into bed. Dont be too soft on him, it is your life too that is being affected her so let him know that you are not tolerating it much longer. If this is all because of some sort of depression then he needs to get sorted at the doctors but something needs to be done now.

take care


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A female reader, jamiexox United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2007):

jamiexox agony auntyou need to be firm and put your foot down on this one... its not fair to be taken for a mug which you are by helpin him out with money etc... i know this must be winding you up because i know i sure would be a bit peed off..

explain to him how you feel.. if he gets his back up just say to him that you dont want to hear what he has to say until you have finished.. tell him everything!!! about the porn, work and that you feel that he prefers it to you.. then let him have the chance to speak explain y he cant hold a job down etc.

Im sure if one of your friends where in this position you would tell them not to stand for it so therefore dont!!!

the balls in his court on this one.. if he cant change his ways and it is getting to you so much then I personnaly would end things.. easier said than done i know!!! i guess that since he doesnt work alot you are paying the bills!!! get the internet cut off stop him from getting his hit of porn everyday.. that away the luxerys that he has while sitting in the house all day.. until he can prove to you that he can change

J xxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007):

hey, no offence but this guy sounds weird. If he's "friendless" there must be something wrong with him. It sounds like he's avoiding social situations at any cost. Are you happy in this relationship? If not, get rid of him.

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A male reader, jm81690 Canada +, writes (9 December 2007):

jm81690 agony auntWell you say he's solitary and friendless, and he obviously doesn't like going to work, or trying to go out and get work... He sounds pretty avoidant.

Avoidants have a hard time expressing feelings too, that could be why he doesn't like to discuss problems with you, or why he doesn't feel comfortable saying he loves you during sex.

Maybe you should look into that?

Hope I helped.

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