A
male
age
30-35,
*aptainh
writes:Over the years, I have found it difficult to see the good things about myself. This needs to change. So, firstly, would like to lay these out on the table: I am determined (when I want to be), I am friendly, I have a good sense of humour, I can get along with a wide range of people etc But, in saying this, I have been the the "nice guy," the guy trying to be a people pleaser, the guy who cares too much about what people think, the guy scared to do any wrong. This has dented my self esteem and self respect over the years, and has had a flow on affect to my ability to really nurture my relationships with my friends - and there ability to do the same with me - along with approaching girls. I admit I have been selfish in letting my own insecurities get in the way of my friendships and my ability to move forward. However, my relationships seem forced, as though we're trying too hard to make things work, therefore, making it terribly easy to just not talk to them for a little while. I feel like I am being taken for granted.I have thought about trying to make a whole new bunch of friends. But this is a daunting prospect and I am a loyal person, but all the same, I am sick of feeling, lonely, like a door mat and giving a shit. Maybe I just havent quite met the right people? I look forward to making a new start at Uni and meeting some new people, but any insights/advice/help would be very much appreciated x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from in terms of...well...most of this really! I also suffer from these the majority of the traits that you described, but I should mention to you that when I say I've had people take advantage of me and use me, I literally mean that. I went through a few different periods of my life where I was molested and, later, sexually assaulted, to be brutally honest with you and because of those things, I now completely DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. It's not the best sentiment to have about people, but if anything having that sort of attitude has forced me to grow a much thicker skin, and for that I'm proud of myself. Perhaps, you too were a victim of a particular incident, not necessarily sexual in nature, but something equally as harrowing, and you now have a very poor self-image. I get it; I understand. As cliche as this may sound, I believe the best thing you can do is to BE YOURSELF. Start with baby steps and do something that you feel like doing for yourself. I.e. if there's a certain hairstyle you'd like to try and have never tried it, because you were afraid that people would speak badly of you, then take a small step and try out that style, or at least a variation of it for a day and see what happens. I know in my experience, the more and more I do this, the easier it becomes for me to just by myself! I applaud the person above for being concerned enough to reply to you, but I don't believe he chose the best words. I'll just re-iterate my point: I sound like the female version of you, but I've taken my negative experiences and learned from them and started doing things for myself, as well as kind things for those I care about. At the end of the day, whose opinion is more important; some girl you barely know that walked by and might have made a rude comment about your appearance, or your mother's/sister's/other close female relative's rather kind and encouraging comment about your appearance?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): You should be attending university at this point, and there are a lot of people you can get to know.
You have to drop the cynical attitude first. Nobody's perfect. You have flaws, your friends have flaws, and we all screw up now and then.
How are you taken for granted? Give some examples.
People can only do what you let them do to you. If you're upset that a friend has down you poorly; you have a talk and work things out.
You don't just get angry, and go pout in a corner. If they are unwilling to apologize and make some sort of compromise to work things out, you drop them as friends. End of story. No need to go on a dramatic rampage.
As for girls. You must be nice to them. If they take advantage or become rude; be mature, and just leave them alone.
If you go back for more mistreatment; and go "overboard" trying to be "nice," that's once step from a fool. Your problem is you don't know how to be tactful. Maybe you are choosing the wrong kind of people to be friends.
You must forgive. Try to give people a chance to mend their ways. If they don't, you cut all ties. You should constantly making new friends. That way they always in good supply and you have a wide circle of personalities that will also help you to improve as a person.
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