A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupids,I need a bit of re-assurance with regards to my gf, for a while now she has been bugging me to move out, i feel that i am now ready properly ready, not just forced, but it seems to have shocked her after she got her hopes up a couple of times and then got let down by the agencies and took it out on me. iv told her i want her to help with the bills.however, now that i am properly going through with this she seems to be erring on the side of caution and backing out. when i ask her about bills or bring the subject up she says thaat i should be able to afford the place on my own first before anything, that includes bills but does not directly discuss hr situation or how much she can put forward. my beleif is that realistically it will be a huge wait before being on a decent enough salary for lone living in a rented flat. i am currently on apprentice wages under 14k with a car on finance. she makes sure she knows what my wages are, my income and outgoings, we recently had a spat about it because i felt she was taking too much control of *my money* and holding onto hers.she also seems to suggest cheaper properties, like rooms for rent which includes all bills, i dont mind, but i doubt the other tennants would be pleased if i bought her over to stay for a few nights in the week, i know some landlords can be a bit funny about it too. not to mention the lack of privacy in rented rooms. i am a private person ad would prefer a place that i can share with someone close, like my gf.her selfish traits are starting to show wich worries me because this tells me she is a girl that dosent exactly know what she wants, and is forcing me to make the headway and decide what i want before she follows....something dosent quite feel right and i think moving out together and paying agreed shares etc is going to be the stumbling block.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfemale anon, you have hit the nail on the head there, yes i drive quite some distance and spend an exorbanant amount on petrol.i am REALLY ready to move out in myself, i have soreted myself out a proper budget and starting to keep money aside.when she suggested a place to rent, it seemed really nice, enough space for me and her and it's a 5 min walking distance from work, £500pcm. i told her i can afford that if i dont expect to pay for petrol or going out, and that she would have to pay for the bills and food, which i thought was fair, she totally backed down saying "why are you looking at that place if all you can afford is £500 and bills arent included?" financially it seems like a better idea to move closer to work, ontop of the approx £400 i spend a month on petrol getting to and from work, and to see her (work and her are in the same area) i havent taken into account wear and tear on the car itself, with the large amount of mileage the car needs new tyres, brakes, oil, brake hoses, bulbs and other wear and tear items onthe car, not to mention road tax aswell. and yes you are right in saying she never contributes to anything. i know she can afford things as she buys alot of stuff for herself on the internet, it frustrates me because she always has an argument against her paying out. she tells me that she is my gf and as such is entitled to free rides because i go that way anyway. pathetic. i went out of my way for her last week and she actually offered to put forward petrol, its been a weekn and i have seen her 5x since and still waiting on the £10 she put forward. ideally i want a joint place with her, my mates wont move that far up to be flatmates with me, its too far for them. she seemed serious about moving out with me aswell.- another point i fergot to mention, shes saving up for a holiday too, she told me that she has more money that she tells me so that i dont take advantage of her. B/S meter is reading 10 atm . so instead of using my deposit on a flat for "myself" and taking all the risks for "myself" and making my social life dissapear because my disposable income would go on a flat, im going to give the depsit to mum for a new cooking hob, so she can carry on bringing me breakfast in bed on saturday mornings before i go out for a short run!
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 It sounds like a classic case of "whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours.
Its a huge red flag to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010): I remember your earlier post about the money issues.
I would ask you: are you REALLY ready to move out, or are you just doing it because she wants you to.
If you are moving out because you want to be with her, and she wants to be able to spend time with you, then you need to get a joint place. Sign a shared tenancy agreement, split the bills.
14k is not a massive amount of money to find our own accommodation with, although doing an apprenticeship is a really good thing to be doing. You have car payments too. Are you sure you want to move out? If you can stay at home at the moment, isn't that a better idea financially?
Sharing a house with others can be a bit hit or miss. It might work out well, or, like one of my best friends, it might be a disaster. Your concerns about having your gf over are not unfounded either, but you can always ask about this.
Does your gf work? I don't understand why she doesn't want to discuss her money with you but makes it her business to know about your finances. To be honest, I don't like the sound of the situation here. I think you need reassurances from her that she can contribute financially to a place, and then you can work out a budget. And, I think it is a REAL cheek for her to be looking for cheap properties for YOU to move into; you need to do it together or not at all, that's what it looks like to me.
I have a feeling that if you mind out you might find yourself stuck in a place you don't particularly want to be, saddled with a load of bills and your gf not contributing anything- she has already said you need to afford a place on your own. The question is, do you actually WANT a place on your own, or with her?
If you want your own place then you can find one and it's none of her business. If you want a place together then you need to work out combined finances. If you are not that bothered about moving out then stay put and save money. Rent plus food and bills is expensive. I have the feeling you are simply doing it for your gf but she doesn't want to have to contribute anything. I imagine it will make it easier for her to see you. And she will probably make out that it is good for you to move out, even if you are not all that keen.
If you get a place together you need a joint contract so she can't just back out. I don't understand this thing about you being able to afford a place on your own, except that it probably means she will be able to stay there for free, which isn't fair on you.
I think you should leave it and see what she does. After all, if she is that keen on you looking after your finances then staying at home is the best option. She wants you to take all risk here, and that's not right. Am I right in saying that you have to drive for ages to see her and she never contributes any money towards anything? To me she seems selfish and I think she could use you over this flat issue.
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