A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27 and I've been with my girlfriend, 26, for almost 3 years. I love her, but there is a big lack of sex; averaging once a month or less ( we sleep together almost every night). In fact we never really had a lot. Every once in a while, we would have sex a couple times in a week or so, but after that, it was back to the same. We hold hands and cuddle and kiss, but that is about it.The sex isn't bad, and she's not cheating, but I'm not sure why her sex drive is so low. She does work a lot, and I know stress can affect libido, but this has been an issue our entire relationship, plus I believe couples should always find time for each other. I know I should probably say something, but I'm not sure how to word it or bring it up. I believe this lack of intimacy makes me feel less close to my gf, and I don't think I can make a long term commitment to her. I'm not sure what to do. I'd appreciate any advice, because I can't take this anymore. Thanks
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libido, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jujubelover +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Absolutely, have a good conversation with her about this; she really needs to know how you feel. I believe that everyone needs to be educated in how sex is perceived by men and by women. Men need sex to help them get close to and feel loved by their partner. Without it, they feel rejected and unloved. Women need to feel loved, treasured and appreciated OUT of bed, in order to feel like having sex. If women do not feel all of those things from her mate, she won’t want to have sex period. After your conversation she may need to go see a doctor and have her testosterone checked. I didn’t realize I had a low sex drive myself. “Can’t miss what you never had.” For years, I've been telling my gynecologists about my very low sex drive and they’ve never done anything about it. One did suggest applying testosterone cream; which didn’t do a thing and was expensive. Finally, I asked my regular doctor to check my testosterone levels and sure enough, I didn’t have any measurable testosterone in me! Since I’ve been on testosterone supplements, I realize what I’ve been missing out on all of these years! Oh and yes, my husband is a very happy guy too! Best of luck to you both.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): I'd ignore those people saying break up with her before even talking with her. That's just stupid.So talk with her. Pick a good time when both of you are not hurried. If you don't know how to say it then there's endless books describing the Rogers' communications techniques ("when this happens... I feel..."); Bolton's "People Skills" is popular.Be honest. The experience of sex is different for women, and they don't really understand how a lack of offering sex leads to a continual feeling of rejection and that corrodes a relationship. BTW, it's not the physical sex act, if she just "lay back and thinks of England" you'll be feeling no less rejected.Don't be afraid to choose a simple answer, such as putting aside a fixed evening each week. In one sense that is mechanical. In another sense it is making time for each other rather than letting the pressures of everyday life win. Don't make that evening just about sex, make it about the two of you, so go out and have a good time at a hassle-free local place, walk the beach or whatever.Women often feel that sex is yet another task, and one that usually happens at the end of a long tiring day just as they were looking forward to a few moments for themselves. There's a lot you should be doing to make that day less tiring, so I do hope you are pulling your share of the cooking and cleaning. It's important to your immediate problem because the last thing you need is your partner feeling resentful about participating in sex. It's more important in the long run because unless you have a high degree of equality in a modern relationship it's not going to make the distance.
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A
female
reader, the_hidden_key  +, writes (1 December 2010):
Ok i'm sorry but some of the answer above here are absolutely horrible, do not break up with her just becasue you don't get enough sex that is absolutely horrible!!!
sex isnt everything, but i know the feeling of feeling unfullfilled in that area,
maybe just talk to her about it, or try new things in the bedroom, it doesnt need to just be vanilla sex but i dont mean crazy stuff, variety is the spice of life and maybe she just isnt interested in sex because as you said it is the same
sex is not everything, sex is just the bonus to love, if you want to just have sex with no love then do the stupid thing that people do go out clubbing, get totally pissed and have a chain of one night stands, of meaningless clumsy drunk sex, if sex is all you want then that is what you should do and not be in a realtionsip
sorry but i think i needed to say that.
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A
female
reader, muffins124 +, writes (1 December 2010):
Ok, talk to her about it! Sex isn't everything but if you neeeeeeeed it, you can try those booster oil thingerrs... hope that helps
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Seek out medical help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is not on hormonal birth control.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (1 December 2010):
 If you can't take it anymore than you have subconsciously made up your mind. Break up with her and go find someone that will be in the same page.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Is your girlfriend on hormonal birth control?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Generally, I think low sex drive is a problem that can be fixed, but if you never had that honeymoon period of doing it like rabbits, she probably never will. Unless you believe you can live with this kind of sex life forever, I'd say it's time to move on.
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