A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 7 years has just decided she wants to separate. Our relationship has been a tricky one because I had to work away a lot (she had no work, but stayed at home raising our 3 year old). A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, she announced on the phone that she wasn't happy or fulfilled in the relationship and that it would be better for everyone if we parted. She claims that her life with me has been something or a fantasy, because I had many qualities she wanted, but that she simply doesn't feel "the chemistry", whatever that means. If she means our sex life isn't good, I disagree because I have always thought we had great sex, although she is undoubtedly moody in this department. She also feels the need, she says, to make something of her own career, though why this necessitates leaving me I don't know. I have given this woman EVERYTHING over the last 7 years and now I feel like an old dishrag that has been discarded. I was very much in love and very happy to support her, but in my darker moments I wonder if she really was living a fantasy or whether in some sense I have been (and I hate to say it) used. It's particularly galling because she expects me to pay the rent and our sons school fees again next month, even though we are not together. She seems to expect me to simply take on board what she has decided and "toe the line". It's a bizarre way of handling someone's broken heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far. There's a lot of good advice here. The 3rd may reply is particularly forthright - let me just add that my partner was itching to get back to work very soon after our son was born, and she tried a number of occupations, all of which she failed to see through. This necessitated a hefty expense in childcare fees, and at the end of it she still doesn't have a job. In the meantime, she got through the lions share of my wages, leaving me with very little personal funds. Now, she does indeed have the right to change her feelings, but all I can say is that for years she gave every indication that I was the man for her. Before anyone seeks to paint me as a chauvinistic, please note that I am far from it, but I am hurt and bewildered and I feel I have been treated coldly by a woman I loved and supported unquestioningly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): "If she means our sex life isn't good, I disagree because I have always thought "Excuse me, but if your partner is saying that she felt the sex wasn't good, who are you to disagree? who are you to deny that she did not feel what she felt? if you felt it was great and she felt it sucked...obviously there was a huge disconnect in your relationship where only one of you was getting benefit and the other wasn't (wonder who it was?).If she just doesn't "like" you anymore, or want to be with you, it's pointless to argue that things are good and therefore she should want to stay with you. Her feelings are there for a reason. To tell her that her feelings are not there, is pointless.It may not have anything to do with you doing something wrong. It could be entirely within herself. maybe her goals changed. Maybe she underwent a major shift in philosophy or outlook. Maybe she met someone new whom she was a lot more compatible with. You can't argue with someone who wants to leave you, that they shouldn't leave you even though that's what they want. Would you rather she stay with you grudgingly just because it's what you want but she really didn't want to be doing it?it's understandable that you feel used and discarded. but that may not be what it is. You and her had an arrangement worked out: you provide her money and roof over her head, and she provides the childcare and domestic duties. now she wants to opt out of this arrangement, for whatever personal reasons. Does that mean she "used" you and "discarded" you? I dont' think so unless it was her devious master plan from the very beginning 7 years ago to be doing all this. Otherwise, fact of life is that feelings change, goals change, and she now wants out as a result. but i can see why you would feel that way. as for whether you should continue to financially support her after you've broken up. I say NO WAY. She wants to be on her own and answer to no one? then she should take on the responsibility of supporting herself like any other autonomous adult. if this were a marriage, you would be legally required to pay her alimony for some time until she can find a job and to some extent I think that's only fair considering how your relationship was set up. If both of you were equal breadwinners and childraisers then no way should you pay her anything other than half of the child's expenses. But since your relationship was a traditional gender-role relationship and thus very unequal in its structure, you should pay her something temporarily because she gave up 7 years of wage-earning for you which makes it harder for her to now get a job than if you decided you wanted a new job.All those years when she was not working, it's not because she's the only one benefitting from you having a job. You were also benefitting from not having to spend as much time raising your child and domestic chores compared to men whose partners don't stay home full time. You actually had it pretty good too because she did your share of the domestic and childraising work. Therefore it's only fair that upon dissolution of the relationship when she's at a financial disadvantage from having forfeited her wage-earning abilities to provide domestic support to you for 7 years, that you should compensate her some. but it has to be a reasonable amount of money and only short term. What is a reasonable amount of money? Well, seeing as how your single paycheck that used to support one household now has to support 2 households, she should expect and accept a lesser standard of living than when you are living together. And she has to be actively getting job to support herself.FWIW, this is why I think that traditional gender-role marriages/relationships where the man is the sole breadwinner and the woman is the homemaker, are flawed. It's just such an unequal relationship from the very set up that it's no surprise it contributes to discord. Then if and when such a relationship dissolves there's just no way to ensure a transition that is truly fair to everyone. You feel that she's been mooching off your paycheck for 7 years. she feels she sacrificed her career for YOU so that you don't have to spend time doing boring housework and child raising. Both people in these types of traditional gender-role-divided relationships feel they are the ones who make more sacrifices because their lives are totally different from their own partner's life they can't empathize with their partner if there are disagreements. my experience and my observations are that relationships/marriages where both partners earn the money and share the childraising and housechores, are more equal. Both partners understand (and with understanding comes respect) the sacrifices made by the other because they're in it too doing the same. This leads to a more harmonious relationship less likely to head for break up over squabbles of who has the upper hand or is the martyr in the relationship, who made more sacrifices for whom, who took advantage of whom. And if such a relationship dissolves, it's far easier for both parties to transition back into single life without causing continued antagonism for having been "wronged." (at least not due to these issues!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): Unfortunately you can't force love and if she doesn't love you then it's pretty much over.
As far as the way she broke up, on the phone, that was cruel.
As far as you paying rent if the place is in your name you have no choice, you're not going to kick her out onto the street. If it's in your name she has you by the balls legally. I would go about switching that to her if you're not living there anymore.
OP you need to sit her down and arrange some kind of financial agreement, if she wants to be free and single then there is no way in hell you can allow her to have you pay for her lifestyle, if you can't agree then it's time to set things down on paper legally, there is no way in hell she'll get even close to what she thinks you should be paying, maintenance is actually quite stingy but then she wants to pursue her career so she'll be able to cover the costs.
OP by all means pay half of your kids fees but rent isn't in your name, then only pay a reasonable amount if you're not living there. Don't let her pull any "you don't care about your kid" crap either. If she's primary carer then she has the primary financial responsibility too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 May 2012):
 I think the breakup has a lot less to do with you then you are assuming and more to do with her. Many women when they have a child they lose themselves. They are no longer Ann (example) but mom, SO (significant other) but Ann is put on a back burner for the child and partner. All of a sudden she realize that she misses Ann and wants that person back.
It's not just about a mental state, it's physiological too. Our bodies alter after children. Whether we like it or not.
She might expect you to "be on board" as you call it, doesn't mean you have to be. I would honestly find a lawyer/solicitor and and set up child support/ child maintenance. And if she wants more money then that.. well, she better get a job won't she? Since you two weren't married she might not legally expect more then just that. Not sure how the British system works.
You have supported her for 7 years, she wants out but still expects you to pay? Ridiculous. And your son goes to school how many hours a day? She will have PLENTY of time to go find a job.
You said she expects you to pay rent, did she move out? If not, did you two co-sign on the place? She wants to leave, that would mean SHE moves out and find a place SHE can afford.
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