A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Before I begin I want to say that I absolutely love my girlfriend. I also know that she is the girl I am going to one day marry, and she knows this too. Deep down she is a great person and apparently I am the greatest boyfriend ever; I treat her like a queen and try to make her realize what a great person she is. Since we've been dating she has been dealing with a very stressful legal situation, on top of which an EXTREMELY stressful job. I have been there the whole time to support her through it, despite it not always being easy. My question is, is it normal for someone who is dealing with so much in her life to be irrational? For example, when we started dating, she went running a lot, worked out, took care of herself. Now, she has gained maybe about 10 pounds and still looks great, but no longer is as toned up as she used to be. I don't have an issue with it because I understand what she is going through, but she constantly complains about having gained weight. The thing is, she doesn't do anything about it. I am not an ass and will never tell her to start working out again, but shouldn't she realize the only reason for her gaining weight is that she has stopped all forms of exercise? It's common sense. This also goes with other things; she complains about other things where I could easily give her an honest answer, but I know my life would end if I did, so I stay quiet. Some are so obvious but she doesn't seem to get them. She's a very intelligent person, so do you think that deep down she knows all these reasons, but just is under too much stress to do anything about them? I know that motivation to exercise/quit smoking/take care of oneself has to come from within, but why do people complain about things happening when in fact they are doing nothing to prevent them from occuring, or are doing things that are the cause? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 jeez this sound so much like me LOL I do the same thing to my fiance I do it because I don't want to do it alone I want him to get active with me and cheer me on
I know I have to loose the weight even if he supports me or not
I have a wedding dress I need to fit back into darn it !!!
maybe that's her problem
just need you to motivate her or go do it with her even if you don't need to loose weight it would still be good to get fit
my fiane is extremely skinny but he loves me enough to go work out with me
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Obviously she knows what is good for her. She is acting irrational because she is under tremendous amounts of stress. To handle the stress she has resorted to abandon certain lifestyle habits (good ones unfortunately) and then vent about it. That has been her way of coping with her situation. Is this acceptable?? It depends. It could just be a phase, a completely temporary thing, perhaps that is how she handles stress. How well do you know your girl? If you have known her long enough then you would know if this is just a phase she will bounce back from in due time. But it sounds to me like you are not sure. If you are not sure if this is just a phase then that could be a problem. Certainly I don't mean the end of the relationship but I mean that she might need help from friends and lover to alleve her emotions and help her out of this.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions and certainly your appoach is very important you don't want to make things worse. But I would not like it either if my lover was stressed alot and not taking care of themselves. I mean the best part about love is that you feel alive and energetic. The love inspires you to be a better person. I think. You want to look good for that person, you are happy etc. And she is not happy right now. So you love her but don't let this slide. If I were you I would give her space let her figure out her issues. She is not feeling good about herself right now, it happens to the best of us, she needs to come around on her own terms. In the meantime, do nice things for her, things she likes. Encourage her to go out with her friends, or set up a meeting between them. When I am stressed out I love hanging out with my friends, they cheer me up. Friends are GOLDEN in times of stress, she might really need that right now. Send her flowers one day. Or buy her a day at the spa. Assure her she is beautiful and that you think she is doing a great job handling things.
I don't know, I can only speak from my own experience, but when I am stressed or not feeling good about myself the LAST thing I want is to be around my lover. NOT because I don't love him but because you want him to see you in a good light and we can't have good days all the time. So in my case I would probably want space. And that is my advice to you. Let her be. She is a big girl, she will figure things out. Give her time and SPACE. Go kick it with the boys. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 August 2010):
 It's the stress that's doing it, I'm pretty sure of that. If she's lived a life of working out and taking care of herself and then changes that when she starts dealing with high stress like her job and this legal situation, that can have an effect on the self esteem.
You can help her two ways on this one without hurting her:
1. Plan some getaways for her on a regular basis. Help her take herself away from the situation she's in. Take her travelling for a weekend, or camping, or to the casino, or something out of town. Give her breaks from the reality she's in, and be there for her to talk to without trying to solve her issues.
2. When she next complains about her weight, tell her "I love the way you look, but I want to help you in any way you'd like me to to feel better!" And then offer to go on walking dates or better yet, take up an active hobby together like tennis, skiing, bicycling, or something along those lines. She'll have fun, be with you, and get back to feeling good about herself. With issues like weight, there will always be that sensitivity factor. Support in whatever SHE says she needs, no more, no less.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I would see how things go once her situation gets better. She probably so much on her mind that she just can't find the motivation to keep on exercising. She obviously realises that she has gained weight and isn't happy with it but until this issue is resolved she won't find the motivation to carry on with her old ways.
I can understand why she would complain and not do anything about it because I'm in the same position. I have gained over 2 stone because I've had a lot going on and I always complain that I wanna lose the weight again but don't have the motivation for it. However, I know that soon things will be better and that from then on I will start loosing the weight.
So give her time, I'm sure that once she hasn't got so much going on she'll go back to her old routine.
If you want to help her get motivated, why not ask her if she wants to go for a run together? Maybe if you do it with her she'll be more motivated to do something about her weight. A lot of people find it easier to get motivated for this kind of thing if they have someone do it with them.
Hope this helps, I'm sorry if i rambled on a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonomys_anonomys +, writes (19 August 2010):
ok!!! I have been through this and in fact im still going through it. Her biggest problem is she knows she doesn't look the way she used to and she thinks you notice it more than anything. she complains about it to see your reaction. next time when she complains try asking her if you can go work out with her. when i was with my ex i wanted to work out but didnt have much support. i wanted help and i needed it from my boyfriend but I couldn't get that. My point is, it sounds like you'd be willing to help her in this situation if you could so maybe thats one thing you can do. Another thing you can do if your not already, make sure you tell her she's beautiful but make sure you mean it also. i wish you luck and hang in there, things will turn out better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Just sit her down and tell her what you think about her and tell her you could give a crap weather she gained weight or not that she will always look good in your eyes and say but if you feel uncomftorable i will help you go running WITH her help her out make things fun instead of jusst sitting back and not saying anything take action...
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