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female
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*imme1reason
writes: My boyfriend and I moved in with each other a week after we began dating. We've been together for 4 months now and I can't imagine my life without him. I love him endlessly, but our relationship has very dramatic ups and downs. We are either fighting or completely in love, there is no in between. Right now I am struggling because I recently found sexual conversations he has had on the computer with other women. I am almost positive he's not cheating on me, but I still feel that my trust is broken. I have also found emails that make me question just who he is, exactly. He's seeming less and less like the person I fell in love with, and he's been more and more tesy lately. When we fight, instead of resolving it through respectful communication, he crosses the line and makes me feel awful about myself. It's like he resents me in some way that I can't figure out. When we're not fighting he reassures me that he loves me more than life itself, but I just don't see how that can be true given that actions speak louder than words. I'm just wondering if he still loves me or if he's looking for someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006): This issue comes up again and again. And there is always someone (usually a guy) who comes on here and tries to justify it all, by saying "shame on you for invading his privacy". That doesn't wash with me. I will repeat what I said to another person who posted a very similar situation as yours, awhile back. No matter how others write in and speak out indignantly about your invasion of privacy, you stand your ground, dear. His sexual text messages speak loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your love relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. For you to have done this..you must have clearly sensed he was up to no good...and he was! He shattered the 'trust' and he broke the boundries. In a nutshell, it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity. So make him own up to what he did. Good luck dear and stay strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2006): I feel impelled to clarify something in wake of your advisors who assure you you did nothing wrong by reading your boyfriend's email.
This time around, you did indeed find something that should concern you. But consider this: what if you hadn't found anything at all? What if there was nothing to be found? That should be your worry when you are tempted to glance through other people's private correspondance, because then you are bad guy. This case is blurrier because both parties are at fault, but finding out something doesn't excuse violating someone's privacy.
Everyone appears to be unanymous about this having been a hasty relationship. If you can't reconcile the thorny ethical dilemma here, at least take that last part to heart.
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (10 February 2006):
 Regardless of how you found the emails, the fact remains that you found them. You did nothing wrong. The only thing you may be guilty of, is loving someone undeserving of your time or effort.
This is not normal behavior in a trusting, committed relationship. You are right, the trust is broken, and things will never be the same. He makes you feel bad about yourself, because that is a trick to reverse the guilt on you, to take the focus off of him.
When things are going good, and he is saying he loves you, that is most likely because things are going the way he wants them to.
This relationship is off to a bad start and not a good sign of things to come. There is a good change it will only get worse. This guy lacks morals, honesty, and is deceitful. Do you really want to stay with someone like this? He is not going to give you the respect that you deserve.
It sounds like things happened too fast in the relationship as well. I feel you should take a good long look at this person, who you dont even feel you know, and realize he is not the one for you. Dont let him be your problem. Let him find someone else to cheat on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): it does not matter how you found out he was having an inpropriate relationship with another women, the fact of the matter is that he was doing the wrong thing and he should not be going off and doing that when is in a relationship already. this does not sound like a health relationship at all, i think the relationship needs to be taken back a level, you probably should not have moved in together so soon but i guess we all learn the hard way, i thinking moving out would help alot but its probably not going to put your mind as ease. i think you should give this guy the flick, like what a total asshole, he had no rite to be having sexual conversations with other people while in a relationship, and dont feel bad about looking at his internet usage or his emails or anything like that, if your instincts are telling you something they are probably rite, they have always worked wonders for me.id move out and go find yourself someone abit more intrested in committing to a relationship. get out of this relationship now before it gets to serious because you know deep down that he is just a liar and will probably continue on doing this, and why should you stay in this relationship and feel hurt and frustrated when is the one doing the wrong in the first place? i can understand that alot of the fighting going on may contribute to him going off and doing the wrong thing, but that just proves his gutles and cant face a problem up front or talk about it with anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2006): You were reading your boyfriend's email and you feel that YOUR trust has been broken?
What. The. Fuck.
In all honesty, it sounds like the both of you are an unstable combination. Moving in together after one week of dating is hands-down a bad idea. You're boyfriend isn't magically changing into some new, weird person, you're getting better acquainted with the person he has been all along, which you could have found out in a safer space had you not moved in together. It doesn't matter how perfect your true looooooove is when things are fine, if your relationship frequently descends into suspicion and verbal abuse, things are not OK. In this case, the good and the bad don't balance each other out - there is a certain threshold (snooping, belittleing each other) which once crossed can't really be compensated for by the positive.
There are some basic trust and privacy issues here. You guys should be living apart from each other, and maybe then think about working on commitment if you decide to stay together at all.
Good luck.
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