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female
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anonymous
writes:I need some reassurance that the breakup of my relationship with my bf was a good thing because I feel so sad about it. I really did like him a lot and generally he treated me very well, was like such a gentleman- he would always open doors for me, pull my chair out, was always 'ladies first' type of thing. We always had alot of fun together and he could make me laugh so much. But then in a way i feel as though he didnt respect me because i felt pressure to have sex and do other sexual type activities with him. He always kept trying to force his hands down my pants. I kept telling him no to sex and he would just say 'how about tomorrow?' then id tell him no i wnt be ready by then and he would go 'how about next week then?'. Does that sound like pressure to you? Im not sure if it was. Then hed say things like 'why dont u trust me, if u trusted me u would have no reason not to do it', then id feel guilty. I then told him how i had only ever slept with one person before and how it took me a while (7 months) to be ready with him and i regret it now and dont want to make anymore regrets. Then for 3 weeks he stoped pressuring me, didnt mention sex at all...then he suddenly broke it off with me. So so so confused! I asked him if it had anything to do with sex and he defensivly yelled back "noway! you know im not like that."Despite all this I still want him back. Why???I know I deserve better and what he did was wrong, on an intellectual level, but in my heart, it feels different, so different and i dont feel the same way as I think. why is this? *confused* me and my ex bf are 19 by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): You say "I'm not ready is just not good enough?", well no. If your trying to form mental intimacy with a possible mate/spouse, then feelings need to be explored and expressed. You presented the conditions but not the feelings. I placed my self in his shoes; I connected with the words you mentioned that he spoke to you. What was missing, was the why you felt that way; what need you have that wasn't fulfilled. Whether men realize it or not, and the same for women, they recognize patterns and tendencies in anothers words and form an opinion as to whether or not they can connect, in what some would consider "spirtual".
The lack of this connection, I think, is why many relationships, courting and marriages fail.
I recall I had a few dates between 16 and 19. One date, the girl initiated the sex because her girlfriend had sex the day before: We didn't have sex, her reasons were not good enough, it wasn't about me, but her girlfriend.
Another date, I initiated putting my hands down her pants and lightly squeezing her buttocks. This was because I felt close, my heart warm for the feelings I was beginning to have for her. Later, she did the same with me. If we had stayed together, and our relationship had stayed on this nurturing, acceptance in each other, we may have had sex.
Another date, I think I was 20. We were suppose to sleep together in our bathing suit, we agreed no sex. As we were watching TV, I did place my hand on her shoulders (I was behind her, she in my lap), and I began to caress her. Eventually, I touched her breast. Not realizing it then, she paniced and thought this meant sex. That basically was the last time we spent together, it freaked her out. I had admired her for quite some time, and we had dated for a few months when this happened. I was hurt, I didn't feel trusted, I was just trying to show her affection, and to make her feel good and relaxed. If she had spoke up and shared her feelings, I would have apologized and explained what I was doing. I really saw her as my future wife.
For your original question: I need some reassurance that the breakup of my relationship with my bf was a good thing because I feel so sad about it.
It wasn't a good thing. If you could have told him how you felt, and because of something in the past, how the thought made you feel, and what you needed before that was an option, I think he would have accepted it. I think what he heard, was he got it, and you won't. Kind of a cold response. Now this may not sound nice to you, but I'm only trying to express the male side of this, how we take things and what our intentions may be. I cannot speak for all men, but the words he spoke, sounds like I had been in his shoes before.
Communication is critical in a relatioship. Discovering and sharing each others feelings bonds us together. Men need to be trusted and wanted, women need to feel charished and secure. Again, I can't say this enough: this I speak does not apply to all men at any specific or particular time of the day, etc., for some have issues that they to cannot express their feelings or accept and understand the feelings of others.
His intentions, from the way you wrote it, was not pressuring you, but being playful, the playfulness of one showing his respect and love for another. Both men and women misinterpret the others signals, and we need to communicate to varify what we interpreted to make sure we don't assume the wrong thing. His last response is testimony that he was hurt, and like a dog, running with his tail between his legs. This is what I read from what you posted, these are my feelings of the event.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question LonelyTwo- my explanation wasnt very good? so the fact that im not ready is just not a good enough reason?
We had been dating for 2 motnhs.
I have learnt from my first experience, and it was to not give into pressure. So by not sleeping with my last bf, i wasnt making sure i didnt sleep with someone who only cared about sex and didnt respect my wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Sex and men is a form of connection with their mate. When men are turned down or rejected without an explanation (your explanation wasn't very good), they will stop, then they will consider whether the women is an overly emotional challenge, such as what you stated ... and you regreted it. Which probably translated that you will regret him being in your life.
Wating 1 month for sex is usual, waiting 7 months is unusual for someone in their twenties. But when I factor in your ages "19", then maybe 7 months isn't that long, but your response to him was negitive, your don't trust him.
How long have you been dating? Dating is a period to get to know each other, to build a bond, to build on mental intimacy and then physical intimacy. Men need the quick fix, physical intimacy. This I think is because of our busy and sometimes hectic and stressfull day, we need a burst of love from our partner. If we don't have a partner, and we are happy, are busy socially, then the physical part isn't required, and men can live without it.
Just as men in marriage, but if they don't get sex, and there mate can't or won't express honest feelings why they can't, then the marriage will go down the tubes, because men will take it personal, that they are no longer trusted and loved.
I hope this gives you some insight for the future with men.
You need to look inside and answer why you feel the way you do. If it is a pledge not to have sex before marriage, then that is acceptable, but doesn't mean your a prude in exploring other ways to satisfy your partner. Same applies if it is a religious thing. If your first time of sex with your first partner caused this grief, then you need to learn from it, what caused it and how to avoid it in the future. Sharing of these feelings allows to people to connect at the hip, become one. If this doesn't happen, then the relationship will probably fail.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Look...You sound like a sweet girl; So I'll tell what kind of selfish dirty dogs we are at 19. Even if your bf realy likes you... His hormones are rageing and he wants what you got! The nice things he does are a way to woo you over; And even if they were well intended, he fells he should be rewarded... He may be a good dude for not cheating on you. But at 19 we are week to our desires. He dumped you to find a slut. If he really cared about you, then he would try to talk to you more openly about what was goen-on; and show a-lil respect...However; you shouldnt degrade yourself to sleep with any-one unless your ready too...If this kid realy wants you, he'll be calling you back with a deferent attitude. Good luck!
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