A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What would you people say about dates at someone's house when you're only getting to know that person?I met a guy online and our first date went well. He called me two days later and asked me if I wanted to come over to his place that night as he was cooking and wanted to watch DVDs. I declined as it was too soon to be 'hanging out' at his, but we made plans to go out for coffee later in the week.I had a situation before where I did go to a guy's place on the second date and after I didn't sleep with him that night he dropped me. And we didn't meet online either.So, is this the exact same situation? I mean this guy right now and I are just getting to know each other, I don't know that much about him. Why the dinner and movie at his place so soon, unless he only wants to score?I hate this so much because I always end up getting hurt. Even though I stand my ground and don't sleep with them it's hurtful to know they only want you for one thing.Is the only way to tell to go out with him (public places only) and see if he bails when he realizes he won't be getting any?What do you tell him the reason is that you don't want to go back to his? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): You don't need any reasons to tell him. If you tell him that it is because you feel this is too fast, he might feel like you are judging him to be one of "those guys" that wants to do stuff when you get there. I think your bad experience with staying over caused you to be jaded. I think you are being smart though, with waiting to be at someone's house. You know I saw some statistic some years ago that said that women who were dating were more likely to be raped than women who weren't. Idk if that meant they were getting raped by other men or by their actual dates, but I think you are being smart. Some of us have no problems going to someone's house really fast. I knew this one guy for two weeks, then we started dating, and I remember sleeping in a bed with him, but not doing ne thing with him. Now that we have been together for 2 years, and have been married for one of those years, he says that I have been the only girl to hold his attention. So I think you should continue to perservere in your pursuance of chastity.
A
female
reader, Ravenxx91  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 i haven't read the other answer however.
my first date was at the house of my now fiance =] I met my fiance online too so we had gotten to know eachothers personalities before anything. so yeah on our 'first date' we got takeaway and watched some films and played games on his xbox and we did nothing serious or sexual. so i cant see nothing wrong with it
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Excuse me:
hw's gonna ditch if you "put out." =
he's gonna ditch if you don't "put out."
~Sy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Well i'd say you're better off knowing right out in the beginning that hw's gonna ditch if you "put out." What I would tell him, and it would be the truth if it were me, is that i don't feel comfortable with that without getting to know him in person a little better.
Think about it.. if you go into his house, he can lock the doors, turn the phones off, get completely alone; it's just not safe. I would not do it not only becaue i wasn't ready for sex, but because it carries more of a risk than i'd like to take! And I would tell him this straight out. If you want to know if all he wants is sex, tell him you're not ready to have it for a while. Be direct and you'll get the direct answer you're looking for..
Sure it hurts if that's all they care about, but wouldn't it hurt to really get attached and find that out much later in the relationship?
I think so... goodluck, and all my best
~Sy.
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (27 July 2009):
I think your right in some of what your saying, not every guy is the same and there are a few who are innocent when they invite you round for a dvd, hard to believe i know. Dont judge your past on the future, learn from the mistakes dont assume they repeat themselves. Not every guy is the same. I dont judge but i have taken into account you met this guy online so id be weary from the start, this type of situation could fall either way unless its handled right. Just for the record i too would of politely declined to his offer, second date is just a little too soon to somebody new someone you dont yet know yet.
He may of suggested his place as he could of felt it more comfortable and relaxing rather than being out in the open, its more personal too where you only have each other to focus on, its a good idea a few weeks into the relationship, not so good right from the start.
Its ok to keep your guard up but it dos need to fall at some point, once you see the trust is there and you feel you can believe in this man then let yourself.
If you do want to see then maybe you could suggest somewhere public and see where that goes.
I think you should be honest with him, if he questions it then simply tell him, im going to be honest im worried itll go wrong, i have an experiance in the past that went the wrong way all because of a date at his house, i dont want to make the same mistake twice... something along those lines, start with honesty and it should carry through the relationship.
You should be proud for sticking to what you believe in but at some point you do need to let go of the past.
Best of luck
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 I think you are right to stick to your guns here; it does seem a little too soon for dinner and a movie at his. I think you should just be honest with him and explain to him that you do not feel comfortable yet going round to his house because you have only just met and you would love to come round maybe in a couple of weeks time. Make sure you put a positive spin on it though - tell him it is a lovely idea and will look forwards to doing it in the future.
If he is a decent guy like you are hoping then he will totally understand, if he is a jerk who is after one thing then he will be annoyed. I'm sure oneday you will find a nice guy who wants a real relationship and not just sex, you just have to stay positive, give all men the benefit of the doubt and weed out the bad ones with little tests like this scenario.
There is no way that you can be sure this is the same situation as that other guy you dated - and you shouldnt tarnish all men with the same brush. The fact that you declined to go to his house and he still wanted to meet up later in the week is a good sign, it shows he didnt mind that you turned him down.
I think you need to forget about your bad experience with the other guy and give this guy a chance, you never know he might surprise you and actually be a good guy! Continue to see him out in public a few more times, enjoy each other's company and take it from there. If you feel comfortable in going back to his house then great, if not then I'm sure he wont mind waiting a little longer.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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male
reader, Rogerramjet  +, writes (27 July 2009):
I think you have every right to tell him that you don't want things to move too fast. You have to do what's comfortable for you, right? Just tell him you like him, and you like where this relationship is headed, but you'd like to do a few more things together to get to know each other a bit better.
Let's face it, i don't think a woman has ever invited me back to her place without the intentions of getting more intimate.
Do what you are most comfortable with. If he's not willing to be patient and insure you're comfortable, then he's not worth your time and is probably just hoping to score quick.
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