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Feel let down that my husband has gotten lazy, fat and less attractive since we married! I haven't so why has he?

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Question - (15 January 2006) 55 Answers - (Newest, 11 December 2013)
A female , anonymous writes:

Short Version: If I am taking pride in my physical being-looking after my health and wellbeing as well as my sexual attractiveness for my husband then is it wrong to expect him to do the same? He disapproves of other women "letting themselves go" and has stated the same about me if I did the same. I feel he is being unfair as he has gained a lot of weight and lost all his muscular physique which I found very attractive. Should I have to accept this at 33 as surely it's enough that we will be out of shape when we are old in many years?

I am a Fitness Professional and when I met my, now husband he was in excellent physical condition (save for him smoking). I am in the same condition I was in the day he met me, fit healthy and in his own words, sexy. He however has put on a lot of weight mostly on his abdomen and lost all his fantastic muscle tone. The most annoying thing is that he passes comment on other if they have gained weight like he is perfect. I asked him once if he thought I should put on the same amount of weight and he actually had the nerve to say that he would hate it if I did!??! Yet if I say to him anything about his weight gain he got all wingey and said theres just more of him to love and then came out with the usual "you are hurting my feelings" statement. How does he think I feel having to be with someone I not as sexually attracted to in the way I was!?!? Please understand that at first I asked him gently if he would consider going to the gym with me and I cook so I made healthier meals at home but he declined the offer and drank beer and bought junk food at lunch and ate snacks and said there was just more to love and that I shouldnt complain.

He is only 35 and can change this if he put effort into drinking less and taking at least the martial arts classes he used to do.

It is not fair to expect me to marry a slim fit sexy man and then a few years later be lying next to a man twice that size without the sexy muscular body I signed up for. There will be plently of time for flabbiness and sagging when we are old and sex is not as important as it is in our younger years. Surely it is everyones duty to do their best to maintain their physical being be that for health or attraction purposes for as long as they can?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013):

I am in the very same boat. I met my husband fit, healthy, looking pretty darn good. I am 33, I have had two children with him, and I am told I am in awesome shape by all I know, however, he appears like he is the one who gave birth to them. Sad huh? His stomach is big and folds over itself, which has physically made me gag a few times, he doesn't nair his body anymore or go to the gym, he doesn't care about what he eats either, he is 17 years my senior, so he should be at least "trying" to stay youthful and in shape, but he doesn't.

I feel like sex with him is a chore, he always wants it, he paces the room after asking me and I tell him to wait a few minutes, he paces until i give in. I don't mind if we stop having it for a while, I don't get off everytime, and I feel sometimes that I'm just his masterbation tool. If I turn him down he says his feelings are hurt, and all that. Truthfully, I am attracted to the person he is, that's why I am able to still get intimate, he makes me laugh, but physically, if it was back when I was single, I never would've given him a second look if he looked then like he does now. I feel bad about that, but I like men with hair, my husband has a toilet seat of hair, i don't like body hair, my husband reminds me of bigfoot, I love muscle and a flat stomach, my husband is now flab and a fat stomach, sometimes he smells too.

I went through two pregnancies and although I am not a go to the gym kind of gal, I am thin, at my ideal weight, and healthy. Sadly, I don't think he will ever change, so hopefully he will keep his sense of humor and keep being a great father, because on looks alone, he wouldn't last with me. I love him, just wish he looked like he cared about himself. I hope you two get it resolved, and I hope I do too. I get anxiety now about sex, my husband doesn't know this, i get tired of being pawed on by a wooly bear, I would love to see him in shape again... :(

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013):

I have been married for 12 years and when I married my husband he was in great shape and very attractive, always active and never wanting to sit in the house. He has gained over 75 lbs and as a result snores so loudly I can't even get sleep when he is in the other room. I have tried everything to get him to go on a diet and lose weight, he is eating constantly and won't exercise. We can't sleep in the same room together due to his snoring and have had sex maybe twice in the past 8 months, I am just not attracted to him anymore and I really miss the person I married. I don't think he will change which is sad because I still love him I am just sad that he does not value our marriage enough to make a change and get healthy. I have told him how I feel, he just says I am going to join a gym, or lose weight, however it never happens, the next day he is stuffing his face with doritos. When I gained weight after having our daughter I worked very hard to lose it and now weigh less then I did when we were first married, I take care of my health, just wish he would do the same. I am not sure where to go from here..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013):

I have been married for years. My husband has gained so much weight. I am not so concerned with appearance, although I think he is fat, and appears lazy to people.

I am so glad I can write this.

I am so mad at him.

We have two kids, and I think he will not live long enough to see them mature into adults and all they can be. His family is diabetic. He does not care. His stomach is huge, and he does not care. I still love him, but I am so mad because he does not care enough about this family to loose weight.

He eats and thinks he is not eating that much. I know his son is embarrassed how fat he his, but makes no difference to him. I pray every day that he will care about losing weight, but he does not. I am so mad! I am so mad cause he does not care a bit about his health, or us. If he really cared, he would get healthy to live longer than he will!

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A female reader, rach1234 United States +, writes (5 May 2013):

I have been married for 15 years. I work out everyday. I try to take care of myself. At 37 I am in better shape now than at 19. Being healthy makes me feel good. I just wish my husband felt the same way. I wish he would take better care of himself. He is getting fat...balding..and I am no longer finding him sexy. I am often embarrassed of him. It makes me feel bad to feel this way. It's hard on me. Why doesn't he care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2013):

Okay fat husbands....some have asked HOW to get started losing weight. I don't have a lot of time but here is what worked wonders for me.

1. Mark's Daily Apple website.....read it. He's right.

2. Cut our bread, pasta, chips, crackers, cookies, sweets, cereal. Cut out the carbs.

3. Replace with eggs, meat, chicken, veggies, fruit, cheese, nuts, seeds, seafood.

4. Run, walk, swim, cycle every day or every other day for at least 30 min

5. Do sit ups and push ups and/or some weights after the cardio.

6. Limit the alcohol to 1-2 times a week and moderate.

7. Live on salads.....spinach, hard boiled eggs, bacon, cheese, chicken or beef. Cobb or taco salads can be amazing.

If you cut out carbs you can eat the good fats...avocado, cheese, nuts, animal fats, oils etc. Your fat because you are eating carbs and the good fats.

You MUST cut carbs!!!!!! LIVE ON SALADS and you will learn to LOVE THEM if you make them right. So my taco salad has.....beef, sour cream, salsa, cheese, avocado, few beans, and few chips crunched on top on bed of spinach.

8. Cut out soft drinks...replace with water, tea, half water half juice, seltzer

water.

You'll go through a withdrawal from all the crap you've been eating but if you stick with it, you will find yourself addicted to the good feeling of losing weight, looking attractive, and feeling better. Skin and hair will start to look better too.

Good luck fat husbands!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013):

I so know how you all are feeling. I'm glad I stumbled across this site, now I don't feel so alone. My husband and I only got married 7 months ago and he had already by that time put the weight on. I think I just married him because we have a child together and I wanted to "make it right". But even before the wedding we have been having problems. When we met he was a little over weight and it bugged me but he promised me it would change, and sure enough it did. He lost over 60lbs and looked amazing, I was happy! Then I got pregnant and apparently he did too! It's been over a year and I'm only 5lbs to what I weighed before the pregnancy but he hasn't lost any if anything he keeps gaining. He's almost 300lbs and I always tell him I'm concerned about his health. He isn't making any effort and it's so disappointing. Our sex life is almost non existent we only have sex if drunk because I just don't care at that point. It's so unhealthy, we fight all the time and I don't have any desire to be intimate. I know things have to change or else I can't do this, I want to be happy and long for my partner. So if you're reading this and you're in the same boat, know you're not alone. The only thing I can do at this point is get in shape and maybe he will too. If not I think I might have to leave him. It's hard, but we all need to be happy!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2013):

Girls...thank you! I'm 35 in great shape and have all but given up on my wife. I feel guilty for the way I feel. She is such a cool girl. Is the grass greener? Would cheating fill the void or simply destroy my life? My God this hurts! I just want to relive the days when she felt sexy and acted sexy. How long do you hold on? It's been at least 10 years and I'm ready to give up.

I'm so sad!

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013):

Ya, my boyfriend and I have only been together for 11 months, and he has put on 40 lbs.

Now weighing in at 200lbs . It's gross! The sex is terrible now too, he is so lazy.

I am 110lb, and don't put on weight. He remarks how he likes that I can stay so slim, and that I look so young for my age. I want to be with him cause he is a nice guy, but sexually I'm not attracted to him anymore.

I find myself wanting to have someone on the side. It doesn't help that he whines like a woman about his weight, yet sits down all day, and eats 2 chocolate bars, 2 bags of chips, and a soda for a midnight snack!

I'd cook healthy food for him, but he is very picky, and won't eat 90% of the food I cook. And I'm a good cook!!

I try to get him out of the house to be physically active, but he makes every excuse in the book not to get out. To boot, he's extremely co-dependent. I know,, cause I used to be co-dependent also, in my late marriage. I don't want to cheat on my boyfriend, so I should probably break up with him right. I came into this relationship attracted to someone, I should at least get a few good years before it turns into this crap. I'm only 32, he is 27.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013):

I have the same exact problem. My husband was so handsome when I first met him, he was thin and had a rock hard body! He dressed amazing and had great hair and smelled so nice! We have been married 4 years and he is a completely different person. He is 35 pounds heavier, dresses like a homeless man, and his hair is always greasy and horrible. The thought of sex with him makes me sick to my stomach, and I was never that person. All he does is eat, drink beer, and play video games, literally no physical activity anymore. I am 100 pounds and I spend so much time on myself with my hair, makeup, clothes...it's so unfair. I finally started buying only organic food and trashed all his junk food, which he knows not to buy or it goes right in the trash. He is losing alot of weight now (10 pounds so far) and his cholesterol/blood pressure is no longer an issue and he is getting much healthier(his acne disappeared since his diet change thank God), he will eat whatever I put in front of him thankfully. I just wish I didn't have to baby him so much and that he had the sense to care for himself at 30.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013):

I'm 27. I was married for 7 years with someone that I stopped loving. I didn't care of how I looked, gained weight, wore unattractive clothes. When I was dating him I cared of how I looked for him. My point is I didn't feel the need to look good for him because he didn't make me feel motivated to do so. It's been 4 years after that divorce. Now I'm engaged and planning a wedding, to someone that I feel worth the extra time for me to take care of myself, because I love him and want the best for him.... If I'm alone at home I just wear t shirts and sweat pants, when he is home I wear booty shorts and tank tops.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013):

I'm a 29 year old male, 5' 7"-290LB married 6 years, living together 10 years and our baby is 14 months old.

My wife gained weight over the years but still looks great! just some baby weight she is working off and she will have. NO problem with that. As for me, I totally understand all the messages here.

When I met my wife I was only 200LBs and was in shape for the most part. Far from lazy and our sex life was amazing. Fast forward 10 years and I know my wife feels exactly how all you women feel in this thread.

So I'm sure the husbands of the women here also know how you guys feel.

The difference is, I searched google for ( fat, lazy, and broke, wife is unhappy) and I ended up here after getting lost in the world of google.

I can really appreciate this thread as it gave me a whole diff perspective on the topic. There is no reason for me to eat so much, no extersize, unmotivated, hate how I feel and hate how my clothing doesn't fit.

I've always been a big guy, broad shoulders, Hanson, decent guy, but weight gain contributes to being lazy and down on yourself.

It's always a big surprise to me my wife doesn't feel like having sex, really I get it, tables turned, I would fatter self pleasure than have sex with a a women my size.

So I want to change, I'm well educated in health and fitness and dietary.

Check out "the liver diet" I had. Fatty liver years ago and went on that diet and got down to 250LB but over time it piled right back on.

I love tennis, basketball, football, love the feeling of working out when at the gym. So why why why am I so heavy and it doing what it takes.

I know it hurts my wife. Because she always says things like I'm concerned for your health, don't eat so much, don't snack we're eati g dinner soon, "we should go walking" etc. it's her way of trying to motivate me.

It's not fair to her, some times I feel like just going away on my own for a month and working out loose weight and get my crap together and come back the man she married.

I love her and I know she loves me, but I also know she is no longer attracted to me and she doesn't deserve that.

Any real suggestions from the posters in here?

What should I do to save my marriage and really. And her happy again.

We have had financial difficulties due to my falts and so recovering from that slowly. She is supportive but it's really added the stress..

She deserves better than this!

Forgive typos, doing this from an iphone, if you think typing with long nails are hard, try typing on a touch device with fatty fingers:)

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A male reader, blue_85 Norway +, writes (27 September 2012):

Strange to see that there are so many men that don't want to work out or be healthy. I don't think it's wrong to ask your husband to improve his health and to look better for you. Especially if he used to be fitter, I don't think it's ok to suddenly change appearance. After all, that's the person you fell in love with. A man should always aim to look good for his wife or girlfriend.

I myself has always been somewhat fit, and my wife commented when I've put up a few pounds. Some say that's not nice, but it's part of our agreement, and she's always been clear about needing a guy to keep fit in order to keep her attraction. I knew that and chose that, so I'm happy to keep my part of the bargain.

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A female reader, super woman United States +, writes (12 September 2012):

This is incredible how fully disappointed so many wives are.

I have gone through this. One poignant thing to remember: the husbands women choose line up with their development.

If we marry someone who is lost and meandering in personal accountability, there is a good chance you NEEDED that dynamic.

Possibly the adult role you took on too early in childhood put you in a situation where the most comfy place was to be telling people what to do. There is so much here, but I guess this is the thing I've learned since my situation is very similar in my marriage: getting out of codependent roles is very rewarding.

When we interfere with our spouse's personal decisions, we are standing between them and their problem. Food addiction is based in powerful roots of love and comfort and there are hormones released more strongly fom some than for others.

As soon as I learned to release the need to fill a parent role instead of a spouse role, my marriage, my life, my love for my partner got stronger.

I have my crap. Weight issues aren't one of them, but I'm sure all of us here have our imperfections that, if visible, would be just as unsightly and possibly more intolerable than a weight problem. It is very painful to be overweight. It is incredible that on top of that pain, the sex has to go. Why do we "make love" anyway, if it's not really love, but a purely selfish ambition?

Perhaps the thought occurs that "if I give him sex (which is most men's primary love language--see Michelle Weiner Davis on YouTube), he'll never GET IT and he'll never change."

We are perfectly happy to love unconditionally if they'll be exactly what we want them to be. And, uh, that's not unconditional. And consider this question: do your faults merit disconnecting the most important relationship that you'll ever have?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012):

i have been struggling for 11 years with this problem.

He was very fit and active, taught football. We had great sex, were attracted to each other. Then he started putting on weight and it just has never stopped. I am a fitness instructor and work my but off to look good.

I feel so embarassed when I am out with him, because we just look like laurel and hardy. I have tried threats, crying, encouraging, but he just plain does not care or get it. I too am thinking about taking out a large insurance policy on him.

The sad thing is that he will probably have a stroke or diabetis and start losing body parts. He is already type 2 diabetic. The sex has just gotten non existent as I just have no desire to be with him that way.

He takes off his clothes and I want to throw up. I am not perfect, I realize, but i don't have a 8 month pregnant belly hanging so low over his d---k that you can barely see it. Sometimes I just think I cannot take this anymore as I have to nag him to not eat so much.

He is just a pig. But he just never gets it. Isn't there someone out there who can motivate these men?

Where are they? What does it take. Why do we have to feel like we have to divorce them, before they will do something. And then they will do it for someone else, but not us.

It sure doesn't make it any easier to stay faithful.

Carol

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012):

Last night at a very nice dinner. I dressed to the nines. My husband can not, he is Fat. Suits make him look like mr Penguin. And quite frankly I'm embarrassed.

My husband used to be a dish. He looks like the actor Chris Pine. if he ate himself. The waiter didn't know our relationship as if he didn't think we could possibly be married! It was actually kind of painful. I'm writing from the guest bedroom because he is snoring so loudly in the other room. The worst part is he will only be 30 at the end of the year. I love him but I am SO ANGRY about this. We only have sex in one position because it hurts his knees!

My husband is wonderful he is prince charming but I can't get over the weight. tonight we are going to a friends birthday party. And I was hoping he wouldn't want to go just so I could try o flirt with someone attractive. I just want someone attractive to notice me. (I would not cheat) but I don't care if my husband thinks I'm beautiful because I don't feel the same about him.

I'm also worried about the example it sets for our son that my husband is not active. their nightly routine consist of tv and the iPad. and we do nothing active on the weekends, usually hubby sleeps. I want to scream. This is not the person married. And while I still hold some of my baby weight. I still generally look good. and am working at losing the rest. but its discouraging and sometimes I think why should I try? why should he get to have a "hot wife" when I am stuck with THIS?!

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A female reader, Goldie1128 United States +, writes (24 April 2012):

I know exactly what these women are talking about. From 165 to over 300 and I hate it Has no clue why I don't want sex. He doesn't even look the same. Who is this person? Did he eat my husband? I feel bad and stay but I am so depressed I want to leave and never ever have another relationship. He is snoring at the moment from the weight gain, I cannot even sleep!! I married for better or worse but who the hell is this sleeping next to me? I know it isn't who I married.

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A female reader, skye727 United States +, writes (12 July 2011):

I have been with my husband for 9 years. We got married 3 years ago. When I met him, he was a little overweight which was ok with me. I came out of a marriage to a super skinny a-hole, so I wanted the opposite. He has gained probably 30-40 lbs. and has gotten so lazy! I have had 4 kids and I am the same size I was in high school! I am 5'10" and 150 lbs. I often wonder if I can do better. I love him...he is a great guy, but I am not attracted to him anymore. The thought of sex with him makes me sick. All I can think of is that fat belly on top of me. It makes me gag! We have sex probably once every 6 months. I have told him I'm worried about his health and he doesn't seem to care. He piles on the cheese and the mayo. He doesn't understand that he can't eat like I do. Not that I pile on the cheese and mayo, but I don't diet either. I am at my whit's end with this crap! I have thought about leaving him, but we have two kids together and one is severely disabled. So, I couldn't do it on my own. I guess I wouldn't be happy without him deep down inside. But, I'm not happy with him. I don't know what to do! We live in a 1977 mobile home. It needs a lot of work and he is great at fixing things. He can fix absolutely anything, it's just getting him to do it! He does something every six months! He practically wants a medal when he does dishes! I can't take much more!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011):

Oh I wish I had some answers as my husband does not care at all about his excess weight or the implications that all this excess will have on his overall health. Now that being said I still have about 20 lbs to lose but at least I am trying.

This morning he ate 4 eggs, 2 pieces of sausage, 3 pieces of cheese, and 2 hash browns. Now I hate to be the food police but my goodness that is just too much. He looks like he is nine months pregnant and has the audacity to say things about other heavy people. Really, I just shot him that look like I can not believe you. How does he see himself through such rose colored glasses? I know I have excess weight on my stomach...of course I can see it.

I have tried to motivate him. I go walking and ask him if he wants to go. We bought a home gym a few years ago for him for his birthday and guess what. I am the one who uses it. It is so sad that he really just does not care. Don't you think that a dad/father has an obligation to his family to care about his health. I am not even talking about attraction....somehow I have learned to accept that as a part of life and my marriage. I am soooo frustrated as anything positive or negative that I try to do does nothing. Now some people will say this is a control issue ....yeah maybe on his end. He is freaking addicted to food and it will eventually take his life. Sad...so darn sad.

I wish that he cared about his health and his body!!!!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011):

I am really disappointed in my husband in the looks department too. we literally met at the gym and early on he was the one giving me advice on how to get into better shape. He was a good looking guy with a nice build back then. I've stayed in shape religiously and am told I look at least 5 or 10 years younger than I am. He now literally looks like he could be my out of shape dad...gigantic love handles, fat belly, cellulite on his thighs, and a very very unattractive fatty blobbish neck. Ughhhhh....this sucks. He shaved his goatee off and I had to lovingly tell him he needs to grow it back because of his very fatty neck. He gains in his belly, face/neck, and love handles....not attractive!! I mentioned to him he may need liposuction one day in the neck because it is very distracting and noticeable especially in business where so many men are fit and trim. If someone said that to me my arse would be running, no sprinting, to the nearest gym to fix the situation. But noooooo, he just kind of shrugs it off. I just don't get how he doesn't look in the mirror and see how unattractive he looks and then do something about it. It's too bad. I still love him but that physical spark has seriously dampened because he is just plain sore on the eyes these days. He really looks like crap and it's a damn shame he can't be like those sexy men of all ages at the gym who arrive looking so handsome in their suits after work. He could be but he is just too lazy. No other excuse as he has the time to do it. I think my waning attraction to him is mostly from disgust that he could be so lazy and apathetic.....selfish too. Plenty of other men have kids, jobs, yard work, mortgage, bills, and they manage to keep themselves looking fit. Yeah, it totally sucks being married to someone who is slovenly when you are not. I'm hoping the neck lipo discussion will have some effect. Pleassssee God!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011):

I am a fat husband. I hate to exercise and I don't eat well, although I try. My job has me sitting for hours and hours each day. I do take long walks before work, but overall my activity level is low. I didn't gain weight quickly. Just 3 pounds per year, but over the years that adds up. I am 6 feet tall and I was (probably too skinny) 160 pounds when my wife met me and now I am 210 pounds. Most of the weight is in my stomach. I would feel good at maybe 175 pounds. I feel terrible about it and go through periods of dieting where I get down to maybe 190 before gaining the weight back. My health is still okay, but I am getting older and taking my chances. I hate the way my clothes fit and that when people I haven't seen in a long time meet me they don't recognize me. Seriously. One old acquaitance said: "I can see the resemblance." Another said: "My God. Have you gained weight?" Such tact. I can only imagine what my wife thinks after reading some of the comments here.

The difference between me and some of these other husbands is that my wife has gained a lot of weight, too. She was 100 pounds when I met her and she is 135 pounds now. Most of that weight is in her stomach, too. She calls me fat and won't share the bed with me anymore because I snore now (always did, but it is worse now) but she is no goddess herself. She does exercise a lot more than I do and used to be amazingly fit (I can still see her big muscles under the flab) but I feel that doesn't give her the right to criticize. I wish her tummy was smaller, but I love how she looks. I would never, ever get down on her for her appearance and maybe that's a problem with some of the women on this thread: you are vain.

My dad is a fitness freak (4 hours of cardio or weight training six days per week) and very vain, too. He tells everyone he meets how fat they are getting and used to tell my (slender) mom how fat she was getting because she went from a size 2 to a size 6. It doesn't really bother me all that much that my wife is fatter than she used to be, because I feel beauty is only skin deep. If she was on my case about my weight all of the time I could see myself shutting down and tuning her out - maybe even wondering if she really loved me. What if I was maimed or disfigured in an accident or something? Would she stand by me or go find another man?

I agree with the first poster that your partner's health is most important. Stress that you love him and want to spend as many years as possible with him. There will be certain things that happen over life - weight gain, gray hair, hair loss, wrinkles, etc. - that will make your partner less attractive than he used to be. I think it is unfair to think "I am all that and a bag of chips while my husband/wife is now less attractive." How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

As for me, I started working with a personal trainer because I want to look good for my wife, regain some self-confidence and I want to be healthy. I don't feel any different, but my wife has been wanting to cuddle more often and tells me she loves my sexy muscles even though we both know it's still mostly a lie at this stage. That's the sort of positive reinforcement people like me need to hear. When I hear she gets turned on by what I am doing instead of acting disgusted with me it makes me want to go to the gym. Encourage him and if he makes an effort then reward him with compliments, praise, and - yes - sex with a more visibly turned on and less disgusted you, even if you have to act a little at first.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011):

I am with everyone who struggles with the ups and downs

of a husband who loves to overeat. We have been married

30 years and he just keeps getting bigger. I have tried

everything mentioned above to get him to loose. Exercise

with him, buy only healthy food, cook healthy. Talk about

nutrition, healthy portion sizes, tell him diet tips. Tell him ways I use to stay motivated to keep my size 6 shape.

He does not care!! He likes to overeat! His worst habit is eating way too much (peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) and then he goes right to bed after eating. This is of course not healthy. He has high blood pressure and high cholesterol for years but does nothing to try to get it under control. He ignores his problem and each year it gets worse. He really does not think he has a problem. Sometimes he says he wants to loose a little maybe 10 lbs. This lasts about a day. Once he lost 10 lbs after many months of trying to loose but he gains it all right back and much more in a month. One time I said I will not buy him the next size up in pants. Didn't work. I keep buying him new

clothes in the next size so he does not look so fat. I do not like to think about the non existent sex life we have but he complains about it. It never occurs to him that he is unattractive this way but he sure has a lot to say about how ugly fat over weight women are! This thinking makes no sense to me. Why doesn't he see how his giant stomach is gross not at all sexy! UGH he looked pregnant for a long time and now it looks like triplets. I really don't think he can change his eating habits because when ever he tries to he ends up over eating even more. He likes every light vegetarian meal I cook to try to help him. It is just that he eats fattening foods at restaurants everyday in addition to the healthy food I make.

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A female reader, rrogers13 United States +, writes (2 June 2011):

It's very nice to know that I am not alone in this situation. When my husband and I first got together he was muscular, fit, and very active. A little over a year ago, he took a job with longer hours where he just sits all day. Since then, he has gained a great deal of weight and is in complete denial and I am at my wit's end about what to do! I am so afraid that he will just keep gaining more and more. I am very serious about staying fit. I have a gym membership and go regularly, but he hasn't joined the gym or bothered to work out since we got married. I understand that he is tired, but I work all day too, and although my hours aren't as long, I am on my feet all day. I have tried everything I could think of to motivate him, from being nice and saying exercising will be a bonding experience, to flat out telling him that he is getting fat!! He always says he is too tired or makes up some lame excuse, but he is never too tired to stuff his increasingly fat face! I cook healthy dinners and have even packed him healthy lunches to take to work only to find out he still goes to McDonald's on his lunch break and gets a double quarter pounder w/cheese combo (biggie size of course), leaving my healthy lunch untouched. Although I can help him eat healthier at dinner by cooking healthy, he ALWAYS gets fast food for lunch and he eats so much snack food it's unreal. While I buy only healthy food, he will go to the store and buy coca-colas, chips, cookies, etc. and pig out while watching tv from the moment he gets home until he goes to bed. I am so unattracted to him and find him disgusting, but then feel so guilty for looking at my own husband with disgust :( He just simply does not care about his appearance at all anymore and I cannot understand how someone can get to that point. His buddha belly hangs over his pants and his once defined pecs now look like breasts, so much so that you can see his gigantic belly and man boobs under the baggiest t-shirt and if you only see his mid-section, you would think he is a pregnant woman! I watch him at night sitting in his recliner wearing nothing but his boxers with his bag of chips propped up on his ginormous belly and I want to throw up or punch him, sometimes I can't decide which. Overall, I am very sad by the condition which he's let himself get to, the condition of our marriage because of his poor health, and even more disheartened by the fact that he adamantly refuses to do anything about it. Our sex life is practically nonexistent, if he does get on top, I can't breathe even if he pushing up on his palms his belly is still hanging down on me and I just have to close my eyes and hope it will be over soon (and it always is because he soon runs out of breath), so then I get on top, but I can't look down or I'm totally turned off, so lately we just don't have sex. I just feel so cheated because when I said "for better or worse" I didn't know worse meant a fat lazy bum who's arm gets the biggest workout as it's lifting the cheetos to his mouth! Does anybody have any advice about how to motivate him? I've tried saying it will be a bonding experience to work out, more time together, etc that doesn't work. I've tried fixing healthy meals, he still eats bad when I'm not looking. I even showed him a picture of his former self when he said he's "always had a little belly" of us in our bathing suits years ago, that didn't work. He works long hours, but he likes his work and says it's not stressful, so I don't understand what's going on. I even bought workout equipment and games since he doesn't want to go to the gym anymore. When the Wii fit game said that he was overweight, it didn't motivate him, nothing seems to. This is the same man who used to ride his bike regularly, go to the gym at all hours, and jog up and down the street. Ever since we got married he's done less and less. I'm honestly embarrassed to be seen in public with his lard butt. Why won't he work out or eat better, why is he in denial about it, and what can I do to change it????

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011):

My problem is similar, but different. I've been married for 20 years. My husband has severe asthma and periodically has to take prednisone, which makes him gain weight even though he continues to eat normally. He eats right and exercises as much as he can, but still I, too, sometimes miss the way he was. I especially wish he could go running or biking with me, but I have to accept him as he is. We go for a walk, afterwards I join a friend and go running while he goes home. This has worked.

If your husband is not trying, then I would definitely give him an ultimatum. If he's making an effort, or has a medical condition, then you have to learn to accept it if you love him.

As for sex, for me there's always been a point beyond which the body type doesn't matter so much -- the hormones kick in and it's all good :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011):

I have no idea what to do, but it is nice to hear that there are other women in the same boat. I have had 3 kids and am about 25 pounds heavier than when he met me. I actively work to reduce that by trying to eat right and working out. He sabotages me by buying junk food, going out to eat, etc. He says he'll work out with me but after 5 minutes on the treadmill he's done. He has gained over 100 pounds and the sex life is not the only thing hurting. It's funny.... he complains that we don't have sex like we used too. I tell him it's because we can't - we literally can't! I don't know what to do! Mentally, I love him the same but his body.... not so much! I have even told him that I am going to padlock the fridge.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011):

He's selfish. And you're a pushover. He needs a bomb under him so put it there. Say "I don't want to be in relationship where my husband doesn't care about himself, because if he disrespects himself, he's disrespecting me too."

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A male reader, redball United States +, writes (2 February 2011):

Cupid2 (from 6 January 2011):

YOU ARE HILARIOUS! "Fatty husbands." Oh my goodness, you had me in stitches, trying to stifle my laughter so that my fiance nearby wouldn't be alerted and come read my computer screen out of sheer curiousity.

He has had love handles ever since we met but they have ebbed and flowed in size over our four years together. He has sworn up and down that he wants to get rid of them but the amount of work he puts into it is inconsistent. PLUS his lack of exercise and fitness results in erectile dysfunction, to boot!!!

Meanwhile I keeps it TIGHT and I am really hoping he can start to do the same with his own body!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011):

I am in the same boat :(

When I married my husband 4 years ago he was slim and muscular. Since, then he has gained about 50 lbs., granted he is 6'5" so its dispursed, but it's still not fair.

I also keep a cap on my weight, and I still 10 years later weight the same as I did in high school. I work hard and eat right.

Its really hurting our sex life, I just don't find him attractive anymore and never want sex! I don't even want to kiss him, out of anger? I dunno. He has the nerve to say, "I don't need a fat wife, more than you don't need a fat husband." He'll even play with his fat belly in front of the neighbors and say "I don't even care, I'm passed that."

Its like they get married then don't care anymore?! I don't get it! I'm 27! My husband should still be atleast attempting to stay fit! He eats like a pig, so much that I loose my appetite, then in turn loose more weight!

What I am really worried about is that his step-father (who raised him most of his life) is about 400 lbs. and my husband has the same eating habits. So 1. he loves to overeat, 2. doesn't workout, 3. doesn't care!

I see that we are all bitching. What can we do?!

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A female reader, Cupid2 United States +, writes (6 January 2011):

" I saw him staring at them. Really, really staring at them, and then he gave up soda. A small start, but hey, that stuff is disgusting 12 teaspoons a sugar in a can.. And I made HUGE fuss about what a great thing he's doing...."

Oh, that sounds like puppy training!!!! making a big fuss when they go pee pee outside!!

We woman with fatty husbands need to do something more grand than that to wake up our husbands from their cheese doodle induced comas.

I say we leave their ass's and tell them we are NOT coming back until they show a major serious weight loss effort.

My fatty husband lost 30 pounds due to his scheduled PT test for his Air Guard and as soon as he passed the test he gained it all back when what he needed was to lose another 30.

He was deployed for 6 months and managed to gained weight although he said HE HATED THE FOOD. Now that he home from his tour of duty in the Middle East... he is packing on even more weight like crazy!!

Tonight as he was standing he literally looked like he was 9 months pregnant. His t-shirt went all tent like. I am fed up!!!!

We are married 10 years, I have a 3 pound ceiling on my own weight and when I see the scales go up, I CUT BACK UNTIL THE 3 POUNDS ARE GONE....

What is so freaking hard for other people is a simple task for me.

I have had 2 kids I am 47 years old. I am a size 4.

I don't get these fatty husbands that do this and NOT CARE... if he cared a bit.. but he doesn't care at all. He feels it is NOT my business to make mention of his weight.

Yet, when we got married he warned me to NEVER GET FAT as HE WOULD NEVER BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE OBSESE.

Jerk.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010):

Ugh, I'm in the same boat. My husband was attractive when we married 12 years ago. We were both in the military and in great shape. When we got out of the military, I continued being fit, he did not. He drinks beer, eats too much, and does not exercise. He is overweight, and I can tell it will be getting worse with the years. He doesn't bother with grooming, really. He does not get haircuts, but either attempts cutting it himself or simply shaves it all off. He smokes so bad breath, despite tooth brushing, is a chronic problem. He hardly even cuts his nails (hands or feet). He is brilliant though and a professor, and we are still best friends, but I do not like sex with him. He is very sensitive though, and I don't feel like I can bring this up. When he sits down, his belly is just fat soft jelly. No muscle tone anymore, anywhere. Soft arms. He is so out of shape, that last year, while going down the beer aisle at a supermarket, he actually tore a ligament in his knee. Just walking in the store! I try to not dwell on it, but I have ZERO desire to have sex with him. And here is part of my irritation: he is intelligent and sees me working hard to maintain my appearance. How could he think that what he looks like does not matter to me? He never said this, but clearly he thinks that. I don't think I'll cheat, but I feel so trapped by this. What can you do, really? I've tried the gentle nudges to get healthy with me, take walks, exercise, all that stuff, he says he is just too tired after work to bother. I'm tired after work too, but I still keep up with myself. What a disappointment.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010):

You are not being unreasonable. I am in the same boat, albeit with the opposite spouse. My wife and I are in our late 30s. I exercise regularly, eat well, groom (pluck ear hairs, trim nose hairs, take care of fingernails, etc.), dress attractively, etc. She, on the other hand, has gained a lot of weight, wears unattractive cloths, never wears make-up, generally doesn't seem to worry much about her appearance.

The frustrating thing is that she is capable of being beautiful, I have seen it. She has very attractive natural features and when she was in shape and put effort into her appearance she was, well, hot!

I don't know what to do, I've tried all sorts of things - suggesting we work-out together, buying the groceries myself (she just stashes junk food that she buys on her own), being subtle, being direct, whatever.

I'm giving up. I haven't divorced yet but I'm going to. I'm tired of looking at her and completely don't want to have sex with her. The way she has let herself go has caused me to fall out of love with her. Yes, I know, I should love her for who she is and all that crap, but the truth is that I loved her for who she was and then she changed.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010):

More of the same. I just turned 30, and I gained about 30 pounds due to a medication I was on and my BMI was in the middle of "overweight." When I realized how out of control this was, I switched off it, and worked hard to change my eating habits again. Now, I've lost 15 of those pounds and am almost back to the "normal" BMI. My husband however, has either gone up or stayed the same. He says he "tries" but I don't think he understand that trying means putting a real effort into something, and not just skipping desert or breakfast one day out of the week, and then eating twice as much when he gets stressed later to make up for that.

We've tried rollerblading, but that hurts his feet because two different sets of rollerblades were the wrong size and he has a weird toe bone. We tried dancing, and he sprained his ankle. I've paid nearly a grand in ER bills because of his various foot problems.

Worst part is, I'm a physician. I know all about obese men at 50 and I don't want to be married to one! Yet I took the vows and I want to honor them. And my husband expects us to "love each other no matter what." In an ideal world, this would be EXCELLENT! But the truth is, I can't help the fact that I find it difficult to be intimate with a man when his gut is flopping on me. I try to ignore it and see the man I fell in love with (and right now, am still in love with), but I'm so scared that this will change if something doesn't happen soon.

I've wanted us to get counseling for awhile, because he also has anger and stress management issues (and I have trouble dealing with both our stress), but he refuses this also.

I've tried being nice, I've tried being mean, I've tried different methods I've learned to motivate my own patients, and I have more success with them than my own husband. I just don't get it. My patients tell me that I'm a wonderful doctor and that they want to keep me because I really listen to them and help them. So why can't I help my own husband? Am I a good doctor but a terrible wife?

Its breaking my heart.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010):

It's heartwarming to read other women’s frustrations and dissapointments as well. I thought it was just me. I'm pregnant and my husband has gained more weight than me at 7 months in 7 months. He has high cholesterol but it still isn't enough to give him a wake up call. He doesn't exercise since he is too busy and stuffs his face with anything, almost anything. It's heartbreaking to see the man you love remove expired chocolate from the trashbag and so wanting to eat it.

I do love my husband but his huge gut is unattractive and makes sex unpleasant and sleeping difficult since he can't breath.

I know my husband cares and loves me dearly. Besides beign fat, he's very sloppy around the house and I have to take care of him like a 5 year-old. He has told me before I am not his mother, but where has tings gone wrong? Is being messy and disorganized part of DNA or just not a high enough priority?

In my younger days I was overweight and hated every single moment of it. I vowed never to marry an overweight man, and yet, this is where I am now. We constantly fight over his weight/eating issue and the messy house, but it doesn't resolve anything. I am at that point where I try to be out of the house as much possible.

My dream marriage, is being turned into a nightmare...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

I know exactly how you feel!!! When I first met my husband he was about 100 pounds lighter and took ALOT better care of himself. Now he can't even please me because it hurts him too much. If...and it's a BIG IF...we are sexually active I'm always the one doing all the "work". I haven't enjoyed sex in months and am becoming extremely depressed about it. It's hard to decide what to do because I did make a promise to stay with him through sickness and health, but his hygiene is HORRIBLE. I don't even sleep in our bed anymore because it stinks so bad. I sleep in a recliner. It's pretty sad. I wish the best to you but you both should work on this issue before it reaches the point that my relationship has reached....if it hasn't already.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):

I have been married 30 years. When we married my husband was into weight training and staying fit and healthy. In the 30 years we've been married he has gained over 150 pounds. I am the same weight as the day we married (120lbs)and we have 3 children. He is a glutton and will eat everything in sight. He also prefers to take a 2 hour nap in the evening so he can stay up after I go to bed and "secretly" eat. He eats and entire carton of ice cream, whole can of nuts, entire jar of peanut butter; you get the picture. He buys most of the junk food. I'm human--I like an ice cream cone or a piece of cake every one in a while. But he can't stop eating once he starts.

Do I still love him? Yes and no. Yes, I love him the way you love any relative in your family. But no, I don't love him the way a husband and wife should love each other.

And, of course, the only way we can have "sex" is by manual or oral stimulation. Do I really want to be satisfied by a plastic vibrating dildo my husband is holding? How disgusting. But so is the sight of my naked husband. This is my life? Is this what is meant by "in sickness and health"? I thought that statement referred to things that are out of our control?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

What ever happened to better or worse, sickness and health? Maybe thier depresses because of THE relationship as a whole? I am in great shape but my husband has gained weight. He is not lazy, but I still love him and want him as much as I did the day I met him. I love him, no matter what.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010):

i will not even try to make up an excuse for why men are like that.i feel exactly the you do.my husband is so lazy and he's got this dont care attitude when it comes to his appearances.he seldom shaves,overeats himself&dne even try to make himself look good.i guess we jus have t

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2010):

Your post was written in 2006 so I'm wondering how things are with you now? I, too, have a very similar problem. My husband has gained 100 lbs. since we got married and I no longer find myself attracted to him. I have put on weight in the past when I was pregnant. I am not perfect, but my weight is currently in the healthy range. Whenever I bring up the subject of his weight he gets very defensive and then finally angry to the point of walking off and ending the conversation. I see his morbid obesity as a psychological sickness having to do with some kind of self hate. I even wonder if I make him so unhappy that I've driven him to this point? He's always saying that he's going to join the gym, eat better, etc., but then he's back to his old habits within a week. If my own interest in self-preservation doesn't motivate him and setting a good example for our child doesn't motivate him, then I imagine that maybe a health problem is the only thing that might make him interested in getting healthy again. He usually conveys a lot of self-loathing and motivation whenever he sees a picture of himself, so maybe I should start taking more pictures of him and displaying them? Anyway, you are not alone. I am feeling depressed about this issue and very cheated. I have also considered making myself as attractive as possible as to invite other men to notice in the hopes that maybe he will feel jealous and want to look good, too. I'm running out of options.

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters United States +, writes (25 March 2010):

IHateWomanBeaters agony auntMarch 4, 2010 poster with the fat 40 year old husband that is rich...

He does not love you, and you should not fool yourself into thinking that.

The ONLY thing that is good about dating that guy is his money, and you wouldn't get any of it!

End it and support your kid yourself.

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters United States +, writes (25 March 2010):

IHateWomanBeaters agony auntIf you do not love or like someone anymore and feel like they are a changed person, in the bad way, then tal to him.

If he does not want to change, divorce him.

Weight is not just about weight and looks. If you are attracted to healthy people, and then your husband gets fat to the point where he is unhealthy, due to alcohol and laziness, it says a lot more.

It says that he does not care that he will have a low quality of life. It says that he does not mind being unhealthy, and ultimately dying at 60 instead of 80.

You say he is double his weight, or around that, and he is only 35?

This is not a good thing.

If you love him even though he is going to die early, is going to be unhealthy and unable to do basic things, and he drinks, then stay.

If you want someone who thinks living well is important, thinks being able to do basic things in life is important, etc. Divorce him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010):

When we started dating he was not thin but in decent shape, kept well groomed, liked to do things, was generous. We were both on a tight budget but working etc. We were discussing marriage. He had a change in income later, which was exciting. He took me on a surprise trip to Hawaii for my birthday, nice gifts, etc. Wanted me to spend my time on him instead of work, so he started paying my bills and I quit my job and 2 hour commute. He said I'm his trophy wife to be, and bragged to his friends about me going shopping every day. The plan was to find a place together and marry later. Over the months he got busier at work, needed more help with his laundry, housework, etc. which I was doing since he was supporting me and I wasn't working. We still live in 2 places. As he got busier he quit going out or wanting to do anything, and spends all his free time on the couch watching tv. He has become very obese and still wants sex but his size makes it difficult so he just wants me to help him orally. He doesn't return the favor. Gradually in the last 3 months he cut back on the financial help and as his work is more and more successful he is limiting his support to barely cover my rent and utilities. I can't even buy my Rx anymore until I get another job, which in this economy is hard. He has also backed off of discussing moving in or marriage, but gets upset if I feel insecure about his commitment to me. I know from being in therapy that I am a beautiful woman in very good shape, I have some self esteem issues, but I know I am worth an effort. He is the 3rd serious boyfriend I have had as an adult. Weirdly, making me wonder if it's my fault somehow, the other 2 longterm relationships had a similar pattern, handsome and fit Prince Charming wanting to woo me and wow me, romantic and generous, that gradually became fat, slobby and stingy after the relationship got serious. Men never want to break up with me because I overdo the niceness and putting up with everything, I tend to fall into a servant role and do everything I can for them. Maybe that's why they all got fat and slobby. I wouldn't mind working my tail off if he stayed excited to have me. I wish my boyfriend still felt thrilled to have me like in the beginning. He is still proud to show me off to his business partners but has been limiting how much of his free time he'll spend on just me. He feels guilty if he knows I know how much he just lays around, or how much junk he eats, but I'm careful not to say anything. He talks about wanting to lose weight and get healthy, but every day eats things like chili cheese french fries and lasagna, and will not touch a veg. Always gets extra pumps of sugar sauce in his drink at starbux. I am frustrated because I love him, but it makes me worry he is already on heart meds at 40. I am also feeling mixed up because he encouraged me to quit my job and move far from home, wanting to support me, but now makes me specifically ask every time another bill needs paying, and doesn't give me any spending money. His income is 6 figures per month so it isn't the budget. His entertainment and toy purchases alone are triple what he gives for my support. He told me about the trust fund he made for his college age ex step child and said my school age child will hopefully get some help for college from somewhere, which hurt my feelings that he wants to marry me but not help my child. He also told me that his life insurance policy if he died will go to his adult brother, not to me, so if anything happens to him I am on my own. Now that I lay it out he is not looking like a good catch after all, is he. Everything makes me wonder if he really loves me and wants me after all. What do you think?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

It's comforting to hear that it's not just me feeling shallow, I love my husband. I think of him and I still get that pitter patter in my heart. But as soon as he steps in the door and I watch him shove down anytype of junk food I get angry and discusted! Sexually, I'm not attracted, I avoid it by complaining of any kind of pains. I'm normal 115lbs, 5'3, but since we're expecting our first child he's gained the weight. I've even cut back on lots of food I enjoy just to prevent bring in unhealthy foods from him. But on the same note, I have cravings, and I'm constantly hungry. I just don't know what's the clear answer in telling him how I feel.

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A female reader, Storm Sky United States +, writes (20 February 2010):

This issue is difficult for me too. Honestly I could handle him being a little heavy, but the problem is he is a lot heavy and the reason he is heavy is because all he wants to do is lay around the house while I do most of the work. He just seems to take it for granted that I'll always be there. Like I want to watch him eat himself into oblivion while our house falls down around us. I have tried expressing my concern for his health, but it has not helped.

After I had our daughter he told me that if I didn't lose all the weight I gained during pregnancy no one would ever want me. I lost all that weight and went to the gym regularly and got extremely thin and muscular. Then he tells me he doesn't like muscular women. I told him I thought he was just jealous of my abs.

I have ignored these issues too long and am on the verge of just leaving. It makes no sense for the world to be so set on a fat women being completely unacceptable, but being a fat man is okay.

I'm tired of being bounced on by Jabba the Hut.

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A female reader, klucas14 United States +, writes (15 September 2009):

I, too am in the same situation and find myself so frustrated. I am only 27 years old and have been married going on 3 years. We have been together almost 7 years total and in the last 5 years I have noticed his weight increase from about 185 to 230. I am a nurse practitioner and see the ill effects of obesity and how it kills first hand. I have communicated to my husband how concerned I am for his health and nothing seems to work! I am at my wit's end!! I find that this is a common problem, yet have not seen any solutions. I think it is because you cannot control others' behavior and can only set the example yourself. I feel like I have tried hard to maintain my weight and remain health-conscrious throughout our relationship. Some people say, "well maybe if you had more sex he would feel motivated to lose weight"....reality is that you don't feel sexually-attracted to someone who does not take care of themselves!!! I can't help it anymore!! I am tired of being "nice" about things. I have also noticed he wears the same shorts or pants to work everyday (he works at a home office and is self-employed) even though I offer to wash his clothes, etc. Will go days without shaving..Is it just a self-esteem issue?? or does the weight make him feel bad, so he doesn't fix himself up?? When we met he was borderline metrosexual getting his eyebrows waxed!! I feel like I've been cheated out of a strong, healthy and active marriage and lifestyle because I don't share any activities with him. Now that football season is here forget it..more couches, bars, sitting around eating and drinking...ugh..I could go on and on..

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A female reader, camilla United States +, writes (15 July 2009):

I'm in the sam situation... no use going into it all.. but it's the same.

Here's what I started doing and I think it's beginning to work.

Photography is a hobby of mine. For a while I've just been taking pictures of the kids because he looks so awful in all the photos. And then it dawned on me. He looks AWFUL in the photos, and so I took a BUNCH of pictures of him and put them all around the house next to the other pictures, including the pictures when he was in great shape. I saw him staring at them. Really, really staring at them, and then he gave up soda. A small start, but hey, that stuff is disgusting 12 teaspoons a sugar in a can.. And I made HUGE fuss about what a great thing he's doing....

I hope it works, because my other plan is to just take out a huge life insurance policy, and assume I'm going to be a widow sometime in the next 10 years.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009):

I don't have an answer, but this was really comforting for me to see other women dealing with the same issue. I'm also a fitness professional, and I cringe to see my husband sitting in front of the computer game when it's such a beautiful day outside for him to walk (the dog at the least), ride bike, or SOMETHING! Besides getting fat and lazy, He doesn't seem to care about how he dresses. He wears the same thing to work every day, and NEEDS a haircut. When I met him, he had a sexy physique, was active, dressed nice, kept his hair cut... now he looks like a Hobbit with his hair, clothes, and obese physique. I hate how superficial and selfish it all sounds, but it really has made a difference (for the worst) in my attraction toward him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009):

I know exactly where you're coming from. When I married my husband, he was working out regularly. Now he pretty much refuses to exercise - says he's tired and has no time - or do ANYTHING requiring more physical activity than going to the fridge or sitting on the couch. He's never been an Iron Man, but a healthy lifestyle is all I'm looking for. He has gained about 40-50 pounds since we got married. I have already had one baby, lost the weight, and am in the middle of another healthy pregnancy. I feel so angry and resentful sometimes, like he is definitely getting the best deal and I am getting the short end of the stick in terms of sexual attraction. I have worked out consistently my entire adult life and am pretty much in the same shape now as when we married (save for the preggo belly!)...and he has totally let himself go. The other thing that pisses me off is that, although he totally admits that he needs to lose the weight, he really doesn't take the initiative and is in total denial that he is setting an awful example for our children. I keep telling him he is going to have major health problems sooner than he thinks. Anyway, I just needed to vent a little. I don't have any solutions to this problem, although it's nice to know I'm not alone. You can't change people. The only thing you can control is your life and the way you lead it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

My husband too has totally let himself go over the last several years and I am mad as a wet cat! He looks like Jabba the Hut from Star Wars and it's disgusting. He always carried a little extra weight on his 6'1" frame so I never expected an Adonis (I'm not "hot", but I am attractive and my weight is healthy), but he was 217 when we were dating, 230 when we married, and now tells me he's in the 280's. LIE! He's at least 300 and it's GROSS. His back is fat, his belly is fat, his face is fat, in fact I just took him to the doctor 'cause he's developed an umbilical hernia...the fat has expanded his belly muscles so much that the muscles have separated down the midline (like pregnant women's sometimes do) and he got a stinking hernia because of it!! Now we're looking at surgery, and the last time he had a minor operation he nearly died from blood clots that lodged in his lungs! I am so scared. He keeps saying,"I gotta lose the weight", but then he buys jumbo bags of M&Ms and eats them in the dark of the night. Chows down on 1/2 a pie (that he bought on the sly) all in one sitting, buys sausage biscuits on the way to work, etc. It's disgusting. No matter how much healthy, nutritious and delicious food I buy, prepare, and present to him (and I'm a really good cook)he thwarts my efforts. I buy fresh cherries and keep them out for snacking, he gets out a can of peanuts I'd bought to use in some recipes and eats the whole darn can in one sitting. It's beyond gluttonous. As much I as want to, I don't nag him. I offer alternatives and he just keeps on CONSUMING, CONSUMING, CONSUMING VAST QUANTITIES OF HIGH SUGAR, HIGH FAT, LOW NUTRITION FOODS. He's 55 and on his way to the grave. It's just a matter of time. And he won't write a will either. I am so screwed. He says he loves me, in fact he really acts like he's captivated with me. He is a kind man, and great father to our four children (5, 12, 18, 22) but I can't even consider sex with him anymore. He squishes me so I can't breath, not to mention the actual bone-crushing pain, and he's so fat I can't straddle him. Besides that, it's just gross to think about. I'm 12 years younger and don't want to be a widow raising young children by myself. He is by far the better parent and they need him so much. I just needed to vent, thank heavens for the internet. I've got no one to talk to 'cause I don't want to criticize him to people who know him. But I'm so mad, and so scared.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):

This guy sounds like a bum. YOU need to get motivated and throw his OUT of the house. Then find a replacement who is up to standard.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008):

I totally agree with the writer of this article. I am 49 years old and have maintained my youthful figure and mindset. My husband , on the other hand has gained nearly 100 pounds since we've been married!! He was the More athletic one of us and he would never accept it if I did the same. He is also constantly making comments about other people's weight issues. It makes me crazy to be attracted to him. I cook healthy and try to be positive about health and exercise. He has several other weight related health issues and I get so irritated to see him not take care of himself-it makes me really feel unloved! Being overweight is a form of self hate and I would love to hear what others have to say about it--thanks!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007):

He's clearly a hypocrite. I suggest letting go a little and when he says something retort with "why is it ok for you and not me?"

You can get into shape together and it'll be a bonding experience.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006):

Hi there. I just want to say Ditto. I have the same problem. I was depressed and lazy after I lost a baby midterm and he began to work a little harder at things aroung the house and such (still minimal) but more. He seems to gravitate to the opposite of whatever I am. It is very annoying. In general, I am unimpressed with his work ethic and lack of motivation. I did not see this when we were dating. YOu see much more when you live with someone every day. I work hard to control the type of food and quantity I cook only to watch him take the kids plates and finish them. I am really disguisted with him. I find I must struggle each day to just accept his state and keep myself positive and working hard despite the role model I have in him. I have wondered about it and have concluded that I don't find things to thank him for and do so... or positive things to say. For this I am at fault. This I hope to change. It is difficult but a friend of mine has encouraged me that it will get easier the more I practice it. I have struggled with this for 9 1/2 years of marriage and hope it changes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006):

Hey thanks guys - to be honest I have tried to get him to come to the gym or walking with me but he's just not into excercise or activity. I assumed he was when we were dating as he went to his gym in work a lot and was very muscular. Now I think he was just bored and has now replaced the gym with drinking beer at home. Think you are onto something HarshButFair. The drinking started to get bad when he decided he wanted to move countries, then life changes happened that prevented this and I believe he got stressed out by all this - hence the drinking. I think if we move his mood will change. However - if I go to the effort of moving for him then I want to KNOW that the drinking will stop, weight will go down and he will start to take care of himself again. I do love him, he is the sweetest man I've ever met and I don't want to hurt his feelings; so I tell him it's because I want us to be healthy together well into our old age. However sometimes I ask where do my feelings come into this?

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A male reader, harshbutfair United Kingdom +, writes (16 January 2006):

harshbutfair agony auntWorst thing you can do is nag. So don't do that.

I agree with the other suggestion, that you find fun stuff that keeps you fit and that you can do together (hey, you at the back of class, STOP giggling).

Power-walk is a great idea. How about hiking? Squash? Tennis? Rollerblading?

Also, it sounds like maybe drinking is at the heart of this. Why does he drink? Is it boredom? Does he do it socially or mainly at home? If you can crack that you'll probably find he gets moticated and gets in better shape. Beer = gut.

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A female reader, Dawnest +, writes (15 January 2006):

I sense he feels worthless in all aspects of his life and knowing he has a comfortable life with an attractive vibrant woman hasmade him complacent.

Suggest that he start a daily power walk with you as you need the exercise and it would be nice to do it in company.

Its possible he just needs you to motivate him a little so give it a go.

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A male reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (15 January 2006):

I would let him know that you are more concerned about his health rather than his physical appearance. Men are extremely sensitive about their looks, although they will never admit it. Maybe he just doesn't care anymore? Make him know that it means a lot to you and that you will love him either way, but it's also important that he takes care of himself because you love him and want him to be healthy above all things.

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