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female
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anonymous
writes: Short Version: If I am taking pride in my physical being-looking after my health and wellbeing as well as my sexual attractiveness for my husband then is it wrong to expect him to do the same? He disapproves of other women "letting themselves go" and has stated the same about me if I did the same. I feel he is being unfair as he has gained a lot of weight and lost all his muscular physique which I found very attractive. Should I have to accept this at 33 as surely it's enough that we will be out of shape when we are old in many years?I am a Fitness Professional and when I met my, now husband he was in excellent physical condition (save for him smoking). I am in the same condition I was in the day he met me, fit healthy and in his own words, sexy. He however has put on a lot of weight mostly on his abdomen and lost all his fantastic muscle tone. The most annoying thing is that he passes comment on other if they have gained weight like he is perfect. I asked him once if he thought I should put on the same amount of weight and he actually had the nerve to say that he would hate it if I did!??! Yet if I say to him anything about his weight gain he got all wingey and said theres just more of him to love and then came out with the usual "you are hurting my feelings" statement. How does he think I feel having to be with someone I not as sexually attracted to in the way I was!?!? Please understand that at first I asked him gently if he would consider going to the gym with me and I cook so I made healthier meals at home but he declined the offer and drank beer and bought junk food at lunch and ate snacks and said there was just more to love and that I shouldnt complain.He is only 35 and can change this if he put effort into drinking less and taking at least the martial arts classes he used to do. It is not fair to expect me to marry a slim fit sexy man and then a few years later be lying next to a man twice that size without the sexy muscular body I signed up for. There will be plently of time for flabbiness and sagging when we are old and sex is not as important as it is in our younger years. Surely it is everyones duty to do their best to maintain their physical being be that for health or attraction purposes for as long as they can?
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female
reader, klucas14  +, writes (15 September 2009):
I, too am in the same situation and find myself so frustrated. I am only 27 years old and have been married going on 3 years. We have been together almost 7 years total and in the last 5 years I have noticed his weight increase from about 185 to 230. I am a nurse practitioner and see the ill effects of obesity and how it kills first hand. I have communicated to my husband how concerned I am for his health and nothing seems to work! I am at my wit's end!! I find that this is a common problem, yet have not seen any solutions. I think it is because you cannot control others' behavior and can only set the example yourself. I feel like I have tried hard to maintain my weight and remain health-conscrious throughout our relationship. Some people say, "well maybe if you had more sex he would feel motivated to lose weight"....reality is that you don't feel sexually-attracted to someone who does not take care of themselves!!! I can't help it anymore!! I am tired of being "nice" about things. I have also noticed he wears the same shorts or pants to work everyday (he works at a home office and is self-employed) even though I offer to wash his clothes, etc. Will go days without shaving..Is it just a self-esteem issue?? or does the weight make him feel bad, so he doesn't fix himself up?? When we met he was borderline metrosexual getting his eyebrows waxed!! I feel like I've been cheated out of a strong, healthy and active marriage and lifestyle because I don't share any activities with him. Now that football season is here forget it..more couches, bars, sitting around eating and drinking...ugh..I could go on and on..
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female
reader, camilla +, writes (15 July 2009):
I'm in the sam situation... no use going into it all.. but it's the same.
Here's what I started doing and I think it's beginning to work.
Photography is a hobby of mine. For a while I've just been taking pictures of the kids because he looks so awful in all the photos. And then it dawned on me. He looks AWFUL in the photos, and so I took a BUNCH of pictures of him and put them all around the house next to the other pictures, including the pictures when he was in great shape. I saw him staring at them. Really, really staring at them, and then he gave up soda. A small start, but hey, that stuff is disgusting 12 teaspoons a sugar in a can.. And I made HUGE fuss about what a great thing he's doing....
I hope it works, because my other plan is to just take out a huge life insurance policy, and assume I'm going to be a widow sometime in the next 10 years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): I don't have an answer, but this was really comforting for me to see other women dealing with the same issue. I'm also a fitness professional, and I cringe to see my husband sitting in front of the computer game when it's such a beautiful day outside for him to walk (the dog at the least), ride bike, or SOMETHING! Besides getting fat and lazy, He doesn't seem to care about how he dresses. He wears the same thing to work every day, and NEEDS a haircut. When I met him, he had a sexy physique, was active, dressed nice, kept his hair cut... now he looks like a Hobbit with his hair, clothes, and obese physique. I hate how superficial and selfish it all sounds, but it really has made a difference (for the worst) in my attraction toward him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I know exactly where you're coming from. When I married my husband, he was working out regularly. Now he pretty much refuses to exercise - says he's tired and has no time - or do ANYTHING requiring more physical activity than going to the fridge or sitting on the couch. He's never been an Iron Man, but a healthy lifestyle is all I'm looking for. He has gained about 40-50 pounds since we got married. I have already had one baby, lost the weight, and am in the middle of another healthy pregnancy. I feel so angry and resentful sometimes, like he is definitely getting the best deal and I am getting the short end of the stick in terms of sexual attraction. I have worked out consistently my entire adult life and am pretty much in the same shape now as when we married (save for the preggo belly!)...and he has totally let himself go. The other thing that pisses me off is that, although he totally admits that he needs to lose the weight, he really doesn't take the initiative and is in total denial that he is setting an awful example for our children. I keep telling him he is going to have major health problems sooner than he thinks. Anyway, I just needed to vent a little. I don't have any solutions to this problem, although it's nice to know I'm not alone. You can't change people. The only thing you can control is your life and the way you lead it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): My husband too has totally let himself go over the last several years and I am mad as a wet cat! He looks like Jabba the Hut from Star Wars and it's disgusting. He always carried a little extra weight on his 6'1" frame so I never expected an Adonis (I'm not "hot", but I am attractive and my weight is healthy), but he was 217 when we were dating, 230 when we married, and now tells me he's in the 280's. LIE! He's at least 300 and it's GROSS. His back is fat, his belly is fat, his face is fat, in fact I just took him to the doctor 'cause he's developed an umbilical hernia...the fat has expanded his belly muscles so much that the muscles have separated down the midline (like pregnant women's sometimes do) and he got a stinking hernia because of it!! Now we're looking at surgery, and the last time he had a minor operation he nearly died from blood clots that lodged in his lungs! I am so scared. He keeps saying,"I gotta lose the weight", but then he buys jumbo bags of M&Ms and eats them in the dark of the night. Chows down on 1/2 a pie (that he bought on the sly) all in one sitting, buys sausage biscuits on the way to work, etc. It's disgusting. No matter how much healthy, nutritious and delicious food I buy, prepare, and present to him (and I'm a really good cook)he thwarts my efforts. I buy fresh cherries and keep them out for snacking, he gets out a can of peanuts I'd bought to use in some recipes and eats the whole darn can in one sitting. It's beyond gluttonous. As much I as want to, I don't nag him. I offer alternatives and he just keeps on CONSUMING, CONSUMING, CONSUMING VAST QUANTITIES OF HIGH SUGAR, HIGH FAT, LOW NUTRITION FOODS. He's 55 and on his way to the grave. It's just a matter of time. And he won't write a will either. I am so screwed. He says he loves me, in fact he really acts like he's captivated with me. He is a kind man, and great father to our four children (5, 12, 18, 22) but I can't even consider sex with him anymore. He squishes me so I can't breath, not to mention the actual bone-crushing pain, and he's so fat I can't straddle him. Besides that, it's just gross to think about. I'm 12 years younger and don't want to be a widow raising young children by myself. He is by far the better parent and they need him so much. I just needed to vent, thank heavens for the internet. I've got no one to talk to 'cause I don't want to criticize him to people who know him. But I'm so mad, and so scared.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008):
This guy sounds like a bum. YOU need to get motivated and throw his OUT of the house. Then find a replacement who is up to standard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I totally agree with the writer of this article. I am 49 years old and have maintained my youthful figure and mindset. My husband , on the other hand has gained nearly 100 pounds since we've been married!! He was the More athletic one of us and he would never accept it if I did the same. He is also constantly making comments about other people's weight issues. It makes me crazy to be attracted to him. I cook healthy and try to be positive about health and exercise. He has several other weight related health issues and I get so irritated to see him not take care of himself-it makes me really feel unloved! Being overweight is a form of self hate and I would love to hear what others have to say about it--thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): He's clearly a hypocrite. I suggest letting go a little and when he says something retort with "why is it ok for you and not me?"
You can get into shape together and it'll be a bonding experience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Hi there. I just want to say Ditto. I have the same problem. I was depressed and lazy after I lost a baby midterm and he began to work a little harder at things aroung the house and such (still minimal) but more. He seems to gravitate to the opposite of whatever I am. It is very annoying. In general, I am unimpressed with his work ethic and lack of motivation. I did not see this when we were dating. YOu see much more when you live with someone every day. I work hard to control the type of food and quantity I cook only to watch him take the kids plates and finish them. I am really disguisted with him. I find I must struggle each day to just accept his state and keep myself positive and working hard despite the role model I have in him. I have wondered about it and have concluded that I don't find things to thank him for and do so... or positive things to say. For this I am at fault. This I hope to change. It is difficult but a friend of mine has encouraged me that it will get easier the more I practice it. I have struggled with this for 9 1/2 years of marriage and hope it changes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2006): Hey thanks guys - to be honest I have tried to get him to come to the gym or walking with me but he's just not into excercise or activity. I assumed he was when we were dating as he went to his gym in work a lot and was very muscular. Now I think he was just bored and has now replaced the gym with drinking beer at home. Think you are onto something HarshButFair. The drinking started to get bad when he decided he wanted to move countries, then life changes happened that prevented this and I believe he got stressed out by all this - hence the drinking. I think if we move his mood will change. However - if I go to the effort of moving for him then I want to KNOW that the drinking will stop, weight will go down and he will start to take care of himself again. I do love him, he is the sweetest man I've ever met and I don't want to hurt his feelings; so I tell him it's because I want us to be healthy together well into our old age. However sometimes I ask where do my feelings come into this?
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (16 January 2006):
 Worst thing you can do is nag. So don't do that.
I agree with the other suggestion, that you find fun stuff that keeps you fit and that you can do together (hey, you at the back of class, STOP giggling).
Power-walk is a great idea. How about hiking? Squash? Tennis? Rollerblading?
Also, it sounds like maybe drinking is at the heart of this. Why does he drink? Is it boredom? Does he do it socially or mainly at home? If you can crack that you'll probably find he gets moticated and gets in better shape. Beer = gut.
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female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (15 January 2006):
I sense he feels worthless in all aspects of his life and knowing he has a comfortable life with an attractive vibrant woman hasmade him complacent.
Suggest that he start a daily power walk with you as you need the exercise and it would be nice to do it in company.
Its possible he just needs you to motivate him a little so give it a go.
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male
reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (15 January 2006):
I would let him know that you are more concerned about his health rather than his physical appearance. Men are extremely sensitive about their looks, although they will never admit it. Maybe he just doesn't care anymore? Make him know that it means a lot to you and that you will love him either way, but it's also important that he takes care of himself because you love him and want him to be healthy above all things.
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