A
male
age
41-50,
*lexinter2003
writes:I wanted to expose the events that happen in the last 5 months or so with my 4 years girldfriend who has a 9 y.o. kid.We meet up +4 years ago. She moved from her country to look for a better future for her and her son who was in her country. When we meet up and started being a couple I helped her a lot in improving her language and encouraging her to leave her waitress job to evolve to an office job (nothing bad with being a waiter but she wanted something different).Took a really big effort and after few months she landed a perm admin job. She got fired and we started all over again. She got another admin temp job and few months down the road the whole dept was outsourced so no job again.Few weeks later she found another temp job in a nice company that looked promising.That was for around 2 years of our relationship and after 1 year she was able to accomplish her dream of bringing her son back with us. Mainly as we had the financial stability to take care of him. All this time I had a permanent job which was the backbone of our finances.After 2 years she got a nice offer back to her country. Really promising. We decided to move back there as I was planning to work as a freelance.Things did not work out as planned and she ended up quitting her job. My case was not better as the crisis hit hard and found myself without projects.Those where hard times. She stayed without a job for almost 1,5 years. We decided to move to my country despite she not speaking the language.Was hard for all. We brought the kid. Few months later I found a job. Was away from 7 to 8. She was at home alone studying the language.She worked in recruiting ad we were/are in the middle of a big crisis so I encouraged her to study some IT, as my logic was telling me “who would hire a recruiter in times of crisis?”.Was really hard. We lived with my mum and they got really bad.One day my mum asked me to leave the flat. That same week and after working for 5 months I was made redundant.Not nice.We took a flat. We got some savings but future looked dark in my country. I started thinking to move again to a more promising economies. I was tired as my girlfriend but I had to start considering some options.I decided to go abroad to do an IT course. Was supposed to last 2 months. Took 3. Was cheaper than doing it in my city.I had the responsibility of taking care of the finances in the house for my partner and her son (who is like my son too). So I decided to do the course despite being a sacrifice.I left my partner with her son at the flat and I knew she would got to her home country to visit her parents in few weeks when the kid finished school. Was supposed to stay there so I thought she could handle it.She started learning the language and even doing some language exchange. I always encouraged to do that as I had no time when working. Was a way of doing friends too and we did not have many so I though would help her.Now here is where it happened as how she told me.June - I was focused in my IT studies as where quite hard. She complained I did not contact her while she missed me a lot being alone in a city without knowing anyone.She had a stroke or something that she fainted.She went to her home country with her kid to visit her parents. Stayed few weeks.July –She came for 2 weeks abroad with me. She did not want to stay more than 1 –which shocked me, as she was telling me she was missing me so much- but managed to “convince” her to stay 2 weeks.By the end of July she flew back home. She stayed there until end of August where I came back.During all this time she was home alone she started seeing 2 guys through the language exchange. I knew one and had no worries about him, the second one I did not know. And she started hanging a lot with him. Even with the kid first –in June- and by her own later. At first I told her to enjoy… he took her to nice places, the beach, lakes… all seemed fine.Then when she came in July she showed me some pictures that guy took of her in the beach… and I started getting suspicious. While these 2 weeks she was with me I joked to her that she was chatting more with that guy than spending time with me… she told me she was leaving me time to study…By August amazingly she got an offer. She had to start in 2 weeks and she asked me permission to go with that guy and some friends to a farm house for a week. I told her that of course, after being unemployed for 1,5 years she should enjoy.That guy was lending her his car, her house on the beach and an endless list of big favours…and though.. who does that to someone who just barely know from few months?Then one day before I had to come back by the end of August I started connecting some dots…I called her and asked her about which was her relationship with him. She answered defensively saying was like a big brother as she is 30 and he is 42.When I came home she did not pick me up as she used to. She said could not drive as did not know the roads….I got pissed and got a discussion. She promised me she never did anything with him.One week after my arrival was my bday. That week she was at this guy’s house in the beach with her mum and kid…She came back 3 days latter and told me she needed time to find her feelings. That I was really cold to her and that that hurt her a lot. That she needed time to find out her feelings again?I was in shock.“If you love someone you know it” I though!Blamed the guy but she kept swearing had nothing to do as they were just friends.At one point she admitted he had feelings towards her but that she had not towards him.I wanted to believe her so I decided to move from the house.Her mum left so she was working and with the kid by her own.She told me she wanted to stay alone but as I had keys I found out she was not living in our flat but that she moved to this guy’s flat where he lived with his mum and sister.That was a low hit.If that was not enough she told me she was planning to move close to that guy’s flat as she knew her mum and had lots of friends from this guy.Was double shocked.Even though I decided to accept it and help her out as she was still telling me she loved me but could not stay with me.Then at some point I found out something from her laptop. She had written a couple of tales while being with me abroad. Was about a girl coming back to her home. She was saying that she felt in love suddenly with this new guy despite she having a boyfriend. The guy was waiting for her at the airport and she could not wait to see him. She was looking forward to make love with him.Was triple shocking to read these two tales.Thought were tales only…love is blind… you know. Knew she felt something for this guy too but not sure anything happened.We started going –by her request- to a psychologist to try to amend our couple issues… but after 1 session we started going separately as we were not a couple anymore.She blamed on me for several thing for these last years and specially for not being caring for her when I was abroad…I felt guilty so tried to amend my mistakes..(did not know the 2 tales mentioned above by then)After one week living in this guy’s house she left and 2 days later she asked me to live with her but not as a couple yet. I though would give me the opportunity of being more caring to her and the kid.I was still seeing it as a couple crisis…. Naïve…We lived together for 3 or 4 weeks…Every week she mate some progress and by the 3rd week she was already kissing me…But not all was good. She knew when meeting this guy was pissing me off a lot and she did not stop using one excuse or another…Every weekend was the same… Friday’s with this guy and mates… I was crazy… Saturday’s with me. Sunday’s with him (without saying it, she used to say was going to the park… or bullshit like that…One Friday I came back late as she was with him and she promised me she would cut off with him. 2 days latter I found out several mails during June, July and August….She cheated on me badly…and seems she was everything but alone during all this time. She even planned –by August- to move to a flat with him. She introduced her mum to him and his family and the mum was really positive about that… well I could write and write more details but I think you get the picture…I also found a document were she was saying she had made love with him.I went to her and asked her she had 2 weeks to cut off with this guy if she wanted us to have a chance. As she told me 2 days ago. She said she had to think about it…All the way until now she still denies she has nothing with him…Now she asked her mum to come and help her with the kid. The mum does not talk to me as she is really into the other guy and his family. She told me she feels good with this guy and his friend but that they are sometimes a bit to plain. She is an ambitious person and these people are not. She had a complex work and they do not. Now we are having a break. The second one. Though she is meeting regularly the other guy who supposedly still only a “friend”… Her mum is here and got really along with the guy’s mum despite not talking a word. Obvious to think how things are going to develop.I just try to get over all and compose myself. I started a no contact at all and no favors at all as I used to. No willing to play the “friend” role with her….Despite all I still love her and when I came back was hoping to marry her… and finally become a family.Ironic I guess.Something we lost (at least me) is trusting in this person anymore. Though I still think if she confessed and had willing to make it up (and she should do a really big effort) we could still be a stronger couple.Maybe I am just tricking myself…Questions:How do you see it?Think a come back is possible?If she cheated once and not only once but had a parallel relationship with this guy and never admits it… what to expect from this person?Thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): For the record, I think that you are wonderful guy. You just got used and played. As a woman, we need more guys like you that is willing to go that extra mile for the women they love. Don't feel badly for what you've done, you worked hard to try to make a life for you and your girlfriend. I also have much respect for you taking care of her son. That speaks volumes as well.
I think that she saw room and board and ran with it. You don't need that type of aggravation especially in this economy. Obviously, this girl doesn't want to settle down with you. She may or may not have been physical with this man, but she most definitely has an emotional connection. You don't need that in your life either.
My best advice to give you is that you are better off without her. The next relationship you have, don't go for the "damsel in distress". Look for a woman that has her life in order and the two of you can work together to have something. She doesn't have to be rich or have a top level position, but as long as the bill collectors not calling, it's safe to say she is doing something right. There are plenty of women out there that is working just as hard as you to make a life and a decent living for themselves that would love to have man like you.
The best thing to do at this point is to drop that dead weight of a girlfriend. Let her be with that other guy. Think of it this way, she is his headache now. Once you feel that you are ready to start dating again, get out there. You only live once. Don't waste precious time on somebody that don't deserve you. Best of luck. You'll find that special person.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): "Though I still think if she confessed and had willing to make it up (and she should do a really big effort) we could still be a stronger couple."No, I dont think so. You are better off moving on. This whole relationship seems to have been built on you doing stuff for her and her taking it. You groomed her like Pygmalion and prevented her from taking the consequences of her mistakes. You even raised someone elses kid! She has just found someone with more goodies to dole out- that's just the way these things work. My advice is to give up the idea of "exposing" her. That kind of thing is a useless energy wasting emotional battle that you can never really win. Be the man and walk away from this clean, let her keep whatever illusions she needs to keep things together.You start over fresh with a woman who is more of an equal partner, and less of a charity case.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 In a relationship, there is a fine line between being trusting, and making it waay too easy for someone to move right into your arena. Because jealousy gets such a bad rap by most people they are so afraid of showing any signs of it; so they often go to the opposite extreme, which leaves too much room for someone else to become close to your mate. Your girlfriend was lonely, and women typically don't do that well when they are left alone for too long. All it takes is one cute guy, paying them attention, compliments and basically "being there" when you are not able to be, and chemistry can occur. I also think your relationship was on rocky ground to begin with, the out of town work thing was just the ingredient needed to things to unfold. At this point, there's not much you can do. Your g/f needs to decide whom she really wants to be with -- you or the other guy. Give her a time line and make her stick to it. Don't let her ping pong back and forth for months on end, while seeing the both of you. I personally think she's already made up her mind, and she just feels bad (and guilty) about hurting you. If I am wrong, and she picks you, then she must sever all ties to this other guy and for awhile you will need to keep in closer contact with her if you want to make this work. You don't want to be paranoid and have her every move clocked, but she sounds flighty to me, which means she may do it again when she's tempted.
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