A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been with this man for just over a year. Everytime we fight he goes back onto the adult site where we met and sends a few messages to different girls. We dont have sex very often (not my choice) I have recently discovered that he has now paid for membership on a bondage site. (he didnt tell me he was into that lol). Do you think he is really looking elsewhere for sex or is he just doing it for my benefit. I love him to bits and would do anything for him. Tried talking to him but he just gets angry with me. He talks about our future all the time. I am so confused I have no idea what to think Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): He may be trying to make you jealous or trying to control you by doing that, but it could also be because the fighting makes him feel like a failure and he talks to those other women to make him feel better and raise his confidence.
A lot of times women go out and are promiscuous after a failed marriage. It is normally not in their nature to do something like that and they later regret it. It just makes them feel better and they do it to feel attractive and regain their confidence in themselves. Some men do the same thing for the same reason. Men and women cheat in a marriage for that reason too. Perhaps talking to those other women makes him feel better about himself. He probably thinks that you don't care for him after a fight and needs what he is afraid you are not giving him. He tries to get it by talking to other women.
I'm not saying that any of those things that I mentioned are the right thing to do at all. They are most always the wrong way to handle feelings of low confidence or esteem, but people do it anyway. You 2 need to talk rationally about this behavior, if you can get him to settle down and talk rationally. The worst time for that is after a fight. Try to do it when everything is running smoothly. If he refuses then perhaps he is not ready for a committed relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): He is playing games and is being very childish. Trying to control you by this constant threat of other women. Ask him whether he wants to work things out with you, and have a future together, or whether he would rather spend time on a computer. You are a real woman. Tell him you need to work things out together without him playing these silly games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): You love someone that effectively 'threatens' you by going to flirt with other women when you have an argument? Even to make you jealous is at best immature and at worst abusive behaviour. When you try and talk about things he gets angry? Then he clearly does not care how you actually feel. You say you would do 'anything' for him - I wonder how far you would go or what else you would put up with in the name of 'love'? His mood swings appear difficult to live with surely and your sex life is not what you hope it would be. Personally I think he is using you, probably cheating and talks about the future just to keep you happy and in place. I am not surprised you are confused. What is lacking is your self esteem - to know when something is very wrong.
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