A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My father was raised by an abusive step-father and willfully blind mother who did nothing to stop the violence and probably participated in the emotional abuse. It was, by any account, a rotten way to grow up, and it scarred him deeply. He married my mom when they were both still in college, they immediately had more kids than they could afford, and he got in over his head. Although he and my mother are still married and profess to be more in love than ever, I have never had a relationship with my father.I can't say he was (or is) "abusive" outright. He never punched or bruised any of us, and he certainly never hit my mother (she would have left him on the spot). But he delivered harsh punishments that never fit the "crime," and I recall living in fear of the sound of his keys jangling as he walked down the hallway. My siblings and I were "spanked" well into our high school years, and even now, there are occasional screaming tirades that don't end until the recipient of the tirade is crying (my siblings and I are in our 20s and 30s).I understand why he is the way he is/ I also understand that he regrets much of what happened during my childhood, and I appreciate that he is trying to be a better person. He's not the man he used to be, but he's still not a model of a great father. Still, he is trying. My adult siblings have all built relationships with him, and I know this is something he desperately wants from me, but I can't seem to summon the interest. There is nothing he can offer me now, and there's nothing he can do to take back all the harm he caused in my past. It has taken me years to sort out the mess it created in my life, but I've done it, and I've vowed that my kids will grow up in a house without screaming and fear.I'm close to my mom, and she tells me she loves him, although I hate the way he still treats her and don't know why she tolerates it. Everyone in the family seems to think all these things are not such a big deal, and that I should be over it, but I don't know how to forgive him or want to be close to him. I feel nothing for him, even though I should, because he's my father.What can I do?
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I'm sorry you've had that experience. It sounds like you've come a long way in getting past it. I commend you for the understanding you show about why your father is the way he is.
Just because other people think you should get over it doesn't mean you can or necessarily should. I have no patience for people who expect a certain relationship based solely upon blood ties. As an adult you should associate with people of your choice, people who lift you up and make you feel good. Someone who made your childhood hell hardly fits that description.
Stick to your guns. You may choose to make peace with him before he dies, or you may not. Regardless, no one can tell you how you should feel about him.
|
