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anonymous
writes: Can a relationship work even though nearly everyone you know believes you're not compatible? We come from very different backgrounds and consequently I'm very aware of our families' disapproval of the other person. Even our friends have made comments on how we're really unsuited. I'm finding its taking an extreme toll on our relationship as my family's opinion is very important to me. He, on the other hand, thinks I'm overreacting and being "too sensitive" as men always do, and hasn't contacted me for the past three days since an incident with my sister going off on one at me about him coming round for dinner. No one understands how much this is affecting me and won't accept the fact that I love him and want to be with him, plus I've got to deal with the fact he's annoyed with me for being too emotional and wanting to discuss my feelings with him. What should I do to ease the atmosphere in both our homes, or should I just end it with him as that's what everyone seems to believe is best?Caz Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (12 February 2005):
 Hi Caz,Let me suggest an analogous situation: If all your friends and family saw a piano dropping out of the sky onto your head and were screaming warnings to you to get out of the way, would you believe them? Or would you insist that there was no piano, and everything would just be fine if only they'd just be less predjudiced?When one person gives you a warning, you're free to ignore it, but when every person you care about gives you the same warning, it's probably a good idea to open your eyes a fraction and see what all the screaming is about.Your family may not be simply closed-minded, but may be seeing things about you and your boyfriend that you simply refuse to see, because you're so "in love with the idea of being in love". It might be worth considering that they could have a point.What exactly are they telling you about him, and him about you? Is it simply ignorant religious zealotry that they're preaching? Or are they giving warnings about matters that they may actually have more experience in, like a huge disparity in your ages, or a potential power imbalance (if you're an MP and he scrubs toilets at the train station, for example), or do they notice that he has the hallmarks of an abusive personality?Put down your dukes for a minute and unplug your ears. Your friends and family aren't running this guy down just for the sheer hell of it! They care about you and they want you to be happy. Give them a chance to explain exactly what their concerns about him are.If what they say resonates, then feel free to step back and reassess your relationship (never hurts!) with him. On the other hand, if they're just discriminating against him for minor reasons, you can at least say that you listened, you considered their opinion and you chose to carry on.-B
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