A
male
age
41-50,
*hought_I_KnewSomething
writes:My wife of 3 years is a beautiful person and a wonderful Mother to our 5 month old daughter. But we fight too much about too small of things. She often gets mad at me if I want to do some things for myself, and she's never satisfied with how much laundry I fold, dishes I wash, grass I mow or beds I make. I am never helping out enough. She knows I'm frustrated, but every time I express my frustration, it becomes a match of who's more frustrated, not how we can communicate better. And finally, if I ever bring up ideas or plans for the house or family, her reaction is usually less than charitable, mostly doubtful and sometimes hostile. After a thousand small insults over the years, I am nearing the end of my rope. I'm not sure if I love her anymore. But we have our gorgeous daughter.We've been to therapy off and on, but it never sticks and I don't feel it helps. I can't leave her because of my daughter. Even if we go to therapy and things improve, how can I learn to love her again, after she's betrayed my confidence and made our lives so prickly?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 July 2011):
sure it's possible to love your wife again. Anything's possible. but not everything is likely to happen. So loving your wife is possible, but that doesn't mean it's likely.
emotional intimacy comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to the other person, which requires trust. If you have your guard up, there's a wall between you. (which is why for her to behave towards you in ways that sends up a wall between you, is destructive to the relationship, it killed your feelings for her)
If the other person has hurt you greatly and for a long time, then even if she now mends her ways and treats you better, the memories of the past may prevent you from letting your guard down. Or you may be over sensitized to what she says or does so even if she is now for the most part treating you much better, it could be that all it takes is for a little slip on her part to send you back into your shell around her.
Even if she truly changes permanently, it could take you a long time to let your guard down....years maybe, or even the rest of your life. it just depends on you and her and the relationship and how it goes. And, if she's not happy with your lack of feelings toward her despite her huge efforts in mending her ways, will this add another layer of problems or not?
but that is not to say that you may not love her again because if she changes for the better and is consistent and if you have a strong desire to love her, you may be able to to slowly let your guard down enough to where your feelings can grow.
Maybe what you should be asking yourself isn't so much whether you can love her again (because it is possible, anything is possible), but how long are you willing to wait to see if your feelings for your wife improve? a year? a decade? the rest of your life? there is no right or wrong answer, it's individual. some people struggle for 20 or 30 or more years in their marriages before being satisfied and consider it a battle well fought and won. Others see this as a waste of a life because that's 20 or 30 years that could have been spent living a fuller life with someone else or conversely 20-30 fewer years of depression/therapy/unhappiness.
Also maybe you should consider, how important is it to you that you love her? Is it sufficient for her to become a nicer person and for life at home to be civil, even if you never love her again? what about her - how important is it to her that you love her?
A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (22 July 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.
To "Anonymous Female": I refer to "improvement" in our relationship as she being more appreciative, and less critical of, me and my input into the house, marriage and family. That's where I'm looking for improvement. I'm not asking to be Sainted here, but I bust my ass all day long every day for this family, and I do it because I want to. But she doesn't seem to notice what I do, only what I don't do.
The question is: even if/when our relationship smooths out (ostensibly from therapy and deep communication), will I be able to love her again? How do we get there? I feel like my feelings have changed forever, but I don't know for sure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): "I can't leave her because of my daughter. "
Why not? Seriously. Why not? You are living a fear-driven life right now. how long will you continue to live by fear? until your daughter grows up and leaves the house? how many more years is that - are you willing to waste the rest of your life for that long? does that benefit your daughter?
"Even if we go to therapy and things improve, how can I learn to love her again, after she's betrayed my confidence and made our lives so prickly?"
Having been through therapy myself (as an individual and with marriage counseling with my husband), your question sounds a bit strange to me. You're saying that let's say you go to therapy and things improve...so...what is your definition of things improving? wouldn't you start to feel better towards your wife if things improve? If you don't feel better, then by definition things have not improved whether with or without the therapy.
It sounds like you're afraid to continue with therapy because you're afraid that things will "improve" yet you wont' love your wife more and then what? But I think you're thinking about this the wrong way.
you need to clarify your goals for the therapy. No one can tell you what your goals for it should be, that's something you need to decide. is it just to feel a bit better in daily life? or is it to love your wife and trust her and have the kind of marriage you dream of? Those are two completely different goals. And realize that not all goals are achievable. But the first step is to clarify what they are so that you can know if what you want is achievable or not or to try to work towards it first and find out.
So what do you mean by what if therapy "works"? then do you consider that to mean that you now love your wife? if so, then your question as framed above makes no sense.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 July 2011):
It takes two people to have a good relationship, and just one person to destroy it. If you're willing and putting effort and your wife is not, then no amount of therapy will help. Therapy is not like surgery that cures regardless of your motivation and attitude. If either you or your wife (or both) are not sincerely wanting to save the marriage, then therapy is just a waste of everyone's time and of your money. If you sincerely want to save the marriage but your wife doesn't, then couples therapy is also a waste of time.
You could try a different therapist because not all therapists will be a good fit for you, and it is very important to be comfortable with your therapist in order to benefit from the sessions. If you're not comfortable with your therapist then you will tend to hide things from them or discount what they say. It's common practice for people to try different therapists before finding one that they feel comfortable with. Also you might do better with a different therapeutic approach than the one your current therapist is using. So, if you still want to try to save the marriage you could find a different therapist. But this is assuming that your wife is also willing to do this. If she is not, then it won't do any good and will just be a waste of time.
Realize too that there are people who have already decided that they want to leave their spouses but are too afraid to say so on their own, and only go to marriage counseling so they can use the therapist as a 'back up' to justify getting out of the marriage.
And then, there are other people who go into marriage counseling in a state of ambivalence, and the the therapy process helps them to sort out their feelings. And in the end they may conclude that they want to leave the marriage. This doesn't mean the therapy "failed" - you can't force someone to think differently or feel differently than they do. If in the end someone goes through marriage therapy and still decides to end the marriage, this is still better and a step forward (IMO) than continuing a distressed marriage in a state of ambivalence indefinitely.
Other times, couples in couples counseling also need individual counseling at the same time. Some times people need to sort themselves out first before they are ready for couples counseling.
So, you could try a different marriage counselor, or you can suggest to your wife that you both go for individual counseling in addition to or in place of couples counseling.
However, regardless of what your wife does or doesn't do, you could still benefit from individual therapy to help yourself cope with your unhappy marriage. if your wife is just not open to couples therapy or doing her part to improve the relationship, then you are on your own. It's entirely your responsibility now to take care of your own feelings and to diminish your angst, because you know your wife isn't going to do anything to help you feel better. Thus, you could benefit from individual counseling to help yourself find ways to make your life happier regardless of what your wife does or doesn't do or to develop the courage to seek out new paths even if it means facing the fear of divorce.
And to the male anon poster who wrote : "Therapy actually played a big part in destroying my marriage. Our therapist sided with my wife because I had an affair...totally unprofessional."
Actually it wasn't the therapy that destroyed your marriage, you and your wife did. We need to take responsibility for our own actions and the consequences, and not seek to put the blame on other misguidedly. Yes there are bad therapists - just as there are bad doctors and teachers too. But in the end it is your and your wife's marriage and your life and thus your responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (21 July 2011):
Thought_I_KnewSomething is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunts and Uncles,thank you for reading my question. I just ask that you refrain from flaming each other on this forum, as I am desperately seeking helpful advice.Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): "wife took these suggestions as gospel, and becuase I didn't do all of them in the exact order the therapist suggested, my wife took that as a sign I wasn't dedicated to therapy or the marriage and she closed off. I explained to my wife I had to do what felt natural and meaningful for US, not a step-by-step plan handed to us by a therapist...."
Dear Anon male- the therapist did not destroy your marriage - YOU DID. u were sooo conceited in not fully investing in your marriage and your wife after your affair. that step by step plan had a purpose and if properly followed you could have saved your marriage BUT YOU CHOSE NOT TO. Big difference!!! You are giving your therapist too much credit for destroying your marriage. if you did not care about it, why should another person try to salvage it. The therapist did not fail you. YOU FAILED YOUR WIFE AND MARRIAGE. you need to be accountable for your own failure to meet your wifes needs and you failed dismilly.
I just wanted to point out that sometimes the poor therapists are blamed for couples indifference and apathy. it is not fair on this profession. yes i will agree that sometimes you need to change therapists because the fit is not right but the therapists should not be unjustly accused of contributing to a persons divorce.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): Therapy actually played a big part in destroying my marriage. Our therapist sided with my wife because I had an affair...totally unprofessional. THe therapist suggested very specific thingsa that I should do to woo my wife and win her heart back. Of course, my emotionally distraught wife took these suggestions as gospel, and becuase I didn't do all of them in the exact order the therapist suggested, my wife took that as a sign I wasn't dedicated to therapy or the marriage and she closed off. I explained to my wife I had to do what felt natural and meaningful for US, not a step-by-step plan handed to us by a therapist. She didn't buy it, and we divorced because I couldn't convince her of my love.
We broke down for many of the same reasons you did...disconnect, lack of agreement or desire to communicate. It can be fixed, but it takes an inner awareness beyond comprehension. In my case, the only way we would have gotten it back was to fundamentally change the persons we both were. I dont think it is good to have to change who you are in principle or act to a large extent. A healthy marriage will not require a monumental amoutn of effort to keep afloat. If it does, it may just be that you are too different to adjust, and time to move on.
Don't stay in a failed marriage for children. I think that is th e#1 biggest mistake people make. Children do not gain from having 2 parents who are loveless and just roommates. They will grow up thinking that is what real love is, and they may grow to emulate the same loveless, soulless marriage. Life is too short.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2011): The statistics for the number of marriages saved by therapy is not on your side. It can help some, but certainly in most cases therapy turns out to be validation about why the marriage has failed for either or both partners, rather than being able to restore what you once had. The only people that benefit from therapy are the therapists because they get paid.
Save your money for the lawyer and get a divorce. But protect your daughter as well as you can. Make sure she is the focus and understands you still love her.
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