A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am feeling pretty fragile at the moment and in a state of shock and am hoping someone will offer me some advice. Have been in a relationship for the last 6 years and without warning and without any clues I have been dumped a few days ago. My partner invited me out to my favourite restaurant to celebrate my birthday and promptly dumped me on my special birthday during the first course. I sat there open mouthed and silent as I heard "I need to be alone", "I need to find myself", "You've done nothing wrong","There's no-one else","You're very important to me", "You're a beautiful person, both physically and mentally", "I want to stay friends", "We'll see each other once a week" and "I want the best for you". I've just pretty much cried for the last few days. Our lives have been so entwined so closely for all these years I don't know how I can manage alone. We have keys to each others apartments, with clothes at both. Holidays booked. Friends who know us as a couple. My family will be equally devastated. How can I tell anyone? How did I not see this coming. I swear there were no clues. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I don't know how to move forward. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (1 September 2012):
It's only been 3-months! I don't think I've EVER been over someone in 3-months that I really loved and had a LTR with. It's normal and it sucks, in another 3-months you'll probably be a little better.
BUT I do want to applaud you for losing weight, getting yourself out there to meet new people, and getting rid of memories of your past with him. It's a great start but healing from a broken heart takes time and when you're still not over someone, it's really hard to give someone new a chance. Just have fun meeting people and when you're ready, then you can be more open to start a relationship with someone new. It's hard to not compare them to your ex in this phase.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm the original writer of this problem and would like to thank the people who have already replied. Thank you all so much.The truth is I don't really have a friend I can talk to this about. I have plenty of friends, but I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone face to face.To update the situation. I didn't really make it clear (probably deliberately), but both people involved are guys. Both straight acting, straight looking, both never-guess-in-a-million-years-they're-gay guys.Keys to each other’s apartments have been given back to each other. Had a message from him the other day, that he is in a relationship with another guy and they have just returned from a holiday together. Although he denies it, he probably met him, while we were still together. Not that it matters. Either way I feel that he has got over me incredibly quick, which is killing me. I am finding it incredibly difficult to move on at all. There is not a day that passes without tears streaming down my face. I was (secretly) hoping that we would get back together. But, of course, I realise this will never happen now. I have been going to the gym and eating extremely healthily the last three months and am now for the first time in years, my perfect weight. Everyone can see the difference. I have dropped three sizes. Lots and lots of new clothes. They all say "Wow you look great!" But the truth is I don't feel great. I did it to win him back, but now he has a new man in his life and I don't stand a chance. I have tried dating a couple of guys (who appear really keen to meet up again), but I can't let go. I have done everything I should, deleted all memories of him in the apartment, deleted all photos, deleted all emails and texts, told him not to call me, kept myself busy 24/7. But I just can't stop loving him. Pathetic I know. I know there's plenty more fish in the sea. But I thought after 3 months some of the pain may have gone away, but it hasn't. Not even a little bit. I want to move on. Well I'd really like him to come back and say "I'm sorry I made a mistake. I love you. Please take me back". But that won't happen. So I'd like to be able to move on. Please offer me advice on how to do this. It would help if I could hate him, after the terrible way I have been treated, but I can’t hate him. I know I deserve better. I am “faithful, honest, loving and a great guy” (his words). I don’t know why this has happened. Perhaps he just fell out of love. I wish I could…
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female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (21 May 2012):
I believe she's seeing another guy, maybe someone at her job and didn't want to tell you and want to keep you on the back burner by seeing you once a week until she sees how her other $h.. works out, if she dumped you on your b-day she'll do just about anything, she's a cold hearted person. If you're important and all that to her like she said she would have never done this to you, some women knows how to play a good game.
I would move on from her because you'll never know what to expect over dinner. I would break the news to my family and friends because they will be there for you, family and friends are good medicine.
I wouldn't want to be her friend right now because being her friend will take longer to heal, if you cut all ties with her then that will give you the upper hand and make you feel better knowing she's trying to contact you and you're not responding and she wont know what you're thinking.
I would take her all of her stuff from my apartment and get all of my stuff from her apartment, get my key, give her her key and that would be the last time she would see me, if I see her on the streets I would speak like nothing is wrong and keep going. You can move on by getting yourself a hobbie, walking the mall, you're young, do some things you're always dreamed of.
When you first learned how to ride a bike... you fell off...so did you throw the bike away or did you get up and back on it? After getting up and getting back on it now you move on to bigger and better things like a motor bike or car. We fall down... We get up...We all have down time at some point in life. I was at a fith grader basket ball game today, some of players kept getting knocked down, they didn't get out of the game, they found a way to get the ball and run with it. There're plenty of fish in the sea. I wouldn't let her know she getting me down.
Don't expect to get over a six yr relationship over night, the time will come and you'll be yourself again.
Hope things work out 4 U.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (20 May 2012):
Dumping you on your birthday does seem rather mean. Are you sure there was nothing wrong in the relationship and you kept avoiding it? It seems like when someone does that it's almost out of retaliation.
Anyway, six years is a long time to be with someone. Did she want to get married and you didn't want to? It seems like a long time to be with someone and not even be engaged or even living together. Maybe she felt that it was time to get married or move on and you didn't seem too keen on the idea? Can't be sure because we don't have any of that info.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): Hiya,I hope this helps you.Firstly, I just want to say although there is absolutely no easy way at all to break up with someone, to do it on their birthday the way it was done, to me, is one of the most tasteless things you could do to someone.I would like to think that if she had been feeling the need to break up with you, she could have chosen a better day, even waited a week later rather than spoil your birthday. I dont want to hurt your feelings but if you dont mind me saying, this woman doesn't love you.A woman who loves you, truly, would NEVER ever do something this cruel on your birthday and throw in the 'its not you its me, i need to find myself' speech, which lets face it, has been done as a way for people who want out of a r-ship and dont want to hurt the persons feelings with a reason so they kind of detour around the real reason and come out with all these other possible reasons why their leaving.6 years is an unbelievably long time to be with someone, they do become your right arm and a huge part of your life. Everything happens for a reason, and although you do not know the reason for this yet, you will.You do and should grieve the r-ship ending, you are only human, but you will be fine. Sometimes, when people leave us, they are actually doing us a really big favor, without us even knowing it. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (20 May 2012):
Either you ex is a perfect actress who hid everything that was bothering her -the real reason of the break up- from you and then sadistically decided to dump it on you on your birthday {in which case, you're better off without her, even if you won't believe it now}, or you did miss some clues, here and there, which is entirely human and normal, as we tend not to see what we don't want to be there in the first place.
Think back about the last few months, has anything changed? What was the last argument you had about? Did you start fighting more frequently? Has she been a bit colder, 'busier', more indifferent than usual? What about your sex lives? Did you two talk about getting married, by any chance? Maybe she felt you two had different priorities in that direction?
If you really can't think of anything along these lines, it could be that, you know, she simply fell out of love after six years, and could not bring herself to tell you something so harsh...
I'd suggest trying to figure things out before you contact her again, which you clearly will have to do, if you have keys to each other's flats and other practical issues to take care of. You can't move forward unless you understand what happened with her.
In the meantime, hang in there. Know that all the pain you're experiencing now is better let out with tears rather than buried and rotten inside yourself. Also, remember you had a life before her, you will have one afterwards as well. It's going to be hard, no doubt about it, but you will get through it, even if it seems unlikely to you now.
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