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Dreaming of my past love.

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 May 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2009)
A age 41-50, * writes:

Ok, I'm feeling alittle guilty about this as I've been married for 20 years and have two teenage childreen.

I've been daydreaming ALOT about my ex lover! I haven't seen him for 25 years and I find myself so curious on what he looks like now and how his live turned out. When I dated him I was a teenager, he was much older, it was a long distance relationship where he would drive to my house every weekend to pick me up and bring me his home for visits. "He was my first experience with sex." He was patiently waiting until I was old enough to marry him.

During the week I would go to school in my home town, and try to dodge all the boys that would ask me out on dates...but there was this one boy that would never leave me alone! Every day he asked me out, I would say "NO I have a boyfriend", and he would just following me around everywhere anyway, so much so that it came down to him turning in to my best friend, someone I told all my secrets to. Eventully school was soon to end and I was never going to see my new best friend ever again, out of this fear he finally convenced me to go out on a date with him and dump my now ex lover. I broke my ex lovers heart sooo bad, I feel so guilty for doing that to him! I eventually married my highschool best friend and have been with him ever since, spending the most of my years raising my children. It's only been recently that my kids are old enough to take care of themselves that I've started thinking about me again, which is why I think my ex lover has entered my thoughts. I keep dreaming that I run into him somewhere (always different places) and that I'm so eristitable to him, that he cannot resist but to pasionitly kiss me, and beg me to come back to him! It feels great...but as much as I give myself to him physically, even in my dreams I cannot give my whole life to him as it would hurt my now husband just as much if not more then what I did to him. Did I do the right thing all those years ago? Did I give up the man I loved for the fear of losing my best friend? Or was the best friend the man I love? If I'm in love with my husband why am I dreaming about a past love now?

Thank you for letting me get this very large story off my chest! Sounds like a novel to me...hmmm maybe I should become a writer (maybe after I learn how to spell properly first though eh? LOL)

View related questions: best friend, long distance, my ex

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (31 May 2009):

GrimmReality agony auntWell hopefully you will have the will power to stay away. Being that you have already driven by this guys house, you are setting yourself up for failure, but only time, and your common sense will tell.

Best of luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009):

I'm really, really glad for the dicision you've made. I think it's very wise.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow, guys! Thanks for all the "insight" more then I expected really...

icelordess & armywife- I guess I know deep down that its a mistake to dwell on the past and to make contact with my ex would upset the balance of the live I've now made. All evidence points to "big mistake!"

Old Guy - your right, I suppose it is just a fantesy. Boy I miss the hopes and dreams of being a teenager..all the possibilitys for the future to dream about!

GrimmReality - no I can't walk away from this marrage, I do love my best friend and he has been nothing but the best partner I could have ever asked for (not that he doen't have his faults though) that's why I've been feeling sooo guilty for thinking about me ex, sort of like I've already cheated on him. Theres NO WAY I would tell him my new feelings, he would never go to counseling ("it's gay" he would say). Knowing him he would track down my ex and who knows what just for being the topic of my obession without even telling the poor unexpected guy why! (understand that my husband is very much "the bad guy" a "BIKER" in every sense of the word, eat,sleep,beer and the ride are what he lives for, total opposite from me!)

Ask oldersister - You say I'm now looking for something exciting, well I think your on the right track... Having these daydreams have definetly re-sparked my interest in the bedroom! I have become a bit of a "Nifo" about the topic and definetly WANT sex more, have even started researching on how to make it more exciting. Don't think my husband minds that part, but he's having a hard time keeping up. I wonder if he suspects why the sudden interest though(?)

The tempting part of this all is I know where my ex is, I've even drove by his home/business just out of curiosity once. I'm fairly sure he would not be attached now, but that may just be my stupid ego talking. I remember a letter he sent me once after we were appart... He mentioned that he assumed I was going through a childish fase and when when I snapped out of it and grew up to come back, he still wanted me! (though I'm pretty sure he didn't mean 25years later) Reading that letter at the age I was at made me upset that he concidered me such a child, but thinking back now about it I think he was kind of right, it did have alot to do with pear pressure, fitting in with the "in" crowd stupid teenager problems. Maybe deep down I just want to think that I'm still wanted and desired, and he's my outlet to think it's still possible.

I WILL stay away as you have all suggested, it's the right thing to do. I guess I will just have to enjoy the fantasy in my head and let my husband reap the rewards of those!

Thank you for all your help, it really does help to get it off my chest telling someone rather then keep it all bottled up in my head to fester.

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A male reader, GrimmReality United States +, writes (30 May 2009):

GrimmReality agony auntWell all I can say is that you need to be honest with yourself? It is nostalgic to look back on your first love, but if you are asking the question that only You can answer "If I am in Love With My Husband, why am I dreaming about a past love"?, then you have reached a point where you need to decide two things.

1) can you see yourself in reality walking away from a 20 year marriage for no better reason than you may have a bout of nostalgia? Is it truly worth it. Do you even know where this man is?

2) have you considered that there may be something unfullfilled in your marriage that maybe you and your husband can work on, perhaps even in Marriage Counseling, or individual counseling, if need be.

Its just hard to give you the best advice possible because there are so many variables here

There is nothing wrong for having those feelings by any means, by the way... it is part of being human.

But letting them get the best of you and dictate your feelings and acting upon them can be needlessly harmful for yourself and others.

I would suggest you give your husband the benefit of the doubt and communicate your feelings about this,and maybe this can ultimately strengthen your marriage. As nice as it is to have these memories and pinings, you know as well as I do that you cant find love in your relationship if you seek love outside of it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009):

Did I do the right thing all those years ago? Did I give up the man I loved for the fear of losing my best friend? Or was the best friend the man I love?

Those questions have to stop. You can ask yourself all you want, but the past is the past, and they will only overwhelm you. It is very natural to feel curiosity about people who were part of your life in the past. Especially if they played a role as important as his.

But going back and trying to reach contact with him would be a mistake.. woudl only do harm, so i hope you're not thinking of that. You are with this man now and married and have kids, and he is probably just as unavailable as you are.

try to move passed your phase of curiosity and accept the past as gone. Be proactive against yourself and don't do anything that will hurt your husband.. and your kids!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009):

You've been doing the hard work of living and raising kids for 25 years. Real adult life doesn't often measure up to the dreams and fantasies of the teenage years. And long-term marriage loses the thrill of first love.

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