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Does no contact really work when trying to get someone back? I'd like to hear some experiences please!

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Question - (6 January 2007) 13 Answers - (Newest, 17 October 2010)
A male age 51-59, *aptop1955 writes:

my partner dumped me,and i want her back so im doing the no contact for 2 reasons,1 in the hope that with time to think she may feel differently,and 2 if that fails it will mean im on the way to recovery,my question is has anybody done the no contact and does it ever work,or has anyone dumped somebody and had the no contact doneto them and what effect did it have

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2010):

It's very risky. My first love dumped me 3 months ago and I'm praying he never breaks NC because I don't want to hurt him. I don't hate him. I still love him but only as a friend. NC worked to my advantage, because I am now seeing and head over heels for the type of man I want to spend the rest of my life with and in comparing the two I realized that my first love is not the type of man I would want to spend the rest of my life with so I'm so happy he did NC otherwise I know I would have ran back to the gross dysfunction and abuse he was putting me threough because I was blinded by my love for him. So to answer your question, if you're the good guy contact her now and if she still doesn't respond Don't Chase Just Replace. NC is so childish. Love isn't a game and doesn't bow or lead to NC.

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A male reader, lukers56 United Kingdom +, writes (17 October 2010):

this can work and i think is starting to work for me but it does take along time and alot of mental work so keep your hopes up and never give up :)

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A male reader, the don Jamaica +, writes (16 August 2009):

lemme tell u, No contact does not work all the time. It depends on how the relationship ended.

The best thing u can do, is agree with the breakup and be a nice kind friend towards the person WHILE MAKING THEM JEALOUS. Let them find out you are dating someone else and then u always appear busy... If they call say..

"Hi X, how r u doing? blah blah...i was just leaving for the movies, to go to the games...to do something that makes u happy..and u will call them another time, u have to go"

THAT WILL DRIVE THEM CRAZY

Also, UPGRADE URSELF...get the hottest clothes and always be smiling when ur in their vision. THis will remind them of when they first me you and the attraction they felt.

Remember, its all about scarcity/value/attraction That's what make them want u

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A male reader, Andy00 United Kingdom +, writes (22 September 2007):

Andy00 agony auntThe answer is; sometimes.

The no contact thing does not guarantee getting somebody you love back. It hasn't worked for me, I'm afraid.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007):

well interestingly enough the no-contact thing did work for me for getting my ex who dumped me to come running back.

he broke up with me very out of the blue a year ago. i was absolutely devastated and cried myself to sleep every night for the next 2 months. then i found out he was dating his bestfriend of 2 years who i had met once before. and i was even more hurt. i decided to delete his number off my phone and i didn't contact him again. even tho he had 1 of my university text books - i asked a mutual friend to collect it off him so i didn't have to see him.

fast forward 6 months down the track, and his new girlfriend dumps him and i bump into him at a mutual friends 21st. i'm looking gorgeous in sexy red dress (yes i had it all planned out)...and i just wave to him from afar. we didn't even speak this night. 1 month later i get a txt message from him apologising for having hurt me and asking to be friends again. i eventually caved in and started hanging out with him again. we ended up hooking up again and he wanted me back. tried to get me back for 2 months while i played the aloof and disinterested card.

so silence really does work for getting an ex back. however now...we are having some problems....my fault for trying to sort something out by txt message convos and he ended up ignoring my txts. so now i go back to ignoring him...hopefully it will work again :P

txt messaging is so friggin stupid!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2007):

Hi,

Yes the no contact definately works. I split with my boyfriend in June and I really wanted to get back with him but he played games at the end. SO I decided not to contact him in the hope that he would miss me and contact me. He never did and it was the best thing he ever did. I am totally happy without him and time has shown me that he wasn't right for me and now my life has taken a fantastic new direction.

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A female reader, ramseyer +, writes (10 January 2007):

Well when they ask for time alone or whatever you give them that. Dont keep nagging them on that you want to hangout or talk. Just let them be, if they come crawling back then you know they thought about you and relized that you respected them when they said they needed space and you gave it to them. But if they dont come back then you know it just wasnt ment to be. You cant make someone love you or stay with you when there not happy being with you. You need to make them happy and it may hurt so much to know there with other people but your doing it for yourself and the other person. First your making them feel happier. And it would be hard for you but you need to find that person where you both just love eachother very much!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007):

It depends on the situation. If someone stops contacting someone then that person will generally think one of two ways:

1) They will miss them so much that they will contact that person.

2) They will move on with their life.

If your partner dumped you, we have to assume it is because she does not want to go out with you any more. Fair assumption?

By ignoring her, she is more likely to react the second way. The only exception to this is that she feels she made a mistake in breaking up with you. This is where it is a little more complicated. If you had contacted her, she would know that you still wanted to be with her. Because though, you have not contacted her, you are effectively saying to her "I agree with your decision to break up and I don't want you in my life" so she might be regretting breaking up with you, but accepting that it is you that does not want to see her.

Is that what you are saying to this women? It's over and that you want to move on?

Or are you playing power games hoping she will see the error of her ways and contact you first?

If you really wanted to be with this women, I think you would have contacted her.

MRL I reckon, you should take your own advice about the texting ;)

... stubborness and love do not get on so well together :)

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A female reader, MRL +, writes (7 January 2007):

I'm currently doing the same thing. It's been a week since i spoke or text my ex and it's killing me. He left my place of work on thurs and we saw each other but didn't speak let alone say goodbye. A few people think it's because my ex still has strong feelings for me. I got very drunk last night and almost text to ask why he didn't saw goodbye but resisted. I do think you should text and ask how she is. She may even call for a catch up chat. My ex did that once after i didn't text him for two weeks.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007):

You cannot ever make someone want you by pleading, convincing and selling them on you, but you can create a bit of passion by having no contact for awhile and by dating other women and letting her know about it.

I think you can then try to stay in touch with an e-mail or a nice card better yet, and a very occasional phone call to see how she is doing...if you have the opportunity to see her now and again, always remain friendly, but short of telling her you want her back the only option you have is to do this and wait and date others....you can't do much else when someone has left you like this...it isn't nice or pleasant, but we all have been there.

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A female reader, Louise! x  +, writes (6 January 2007):

Hi im lousie! look i dont belevie that the no contact thing is the best. I understand it is hard for you but what if she feels like you dont care, or shes thinks well if your not going to make the efford to be friends then why shoud she.... on the other hand i wouldnt be the best idea to call her every 5mins, i think you sould act casual round her, give her a wee txt'd asking how shes doing now and put a wee xo but dont over do it, get what im saying?? x

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A female reader, Juliette United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2007):

Juliette agony auntI think there is no straight answer and it depends on what went wrong in the relationship, the personalities involved, the aspirations and hopes for the future of the individuals. There is the old saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and you hear many examples of it happening, especially at the end of the World War 2.

Separating does give a person a chance to reflect on how they are coping alone, what they miss in the person they have left and I suspect that is where it balances out one way or the other. Chasing someone you want back can only be destructive and make them pull away even further, on the other hand, showing no attempt to contact whatsoever could look uncaring and confirm to the person who left that they made the right choice.

if the split was amicable, then I would guess it would be agood idea to talk with that person and make an agreement where you are allowed to contact each other to update on how you both feel. That way the lifeline is there, but without the contraints or demands and feeling under the shadow still of the person you need a break from.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007):

hi

i'm really sorry to hear of your relationship split , it is a very hard time I know believe me .

i can't exactly answer your question , but can emphathise as im doing the same myself. it would be interesting to know , how long it has been since you had contact with your partner and her reasons for the split , or maybe it was just total confusion?

personally it has been 2 1/2 months since my split (his decision) and about i month since i was last in touch , i did attempt to be friends with him, but he messed that up by trying to be over firendly , and then became quite hostile , when i challenged his feelings , so i left him to it. I definately think you are doing the right thing , for both your sakes , and the age old advice is move along , go out and have some fun , which i hope you are. I guess some relationships just werent meant to be , and i do believe if you love someone , set them free , if they miss you enough they will return ?

hang on in there , i'm sure like anyone who has been hurt , you are consatantly thinking about her , but please do make sure you are available for other dates. It was your partner afterall who decided to leave the relatonship and you definately shouldnt suffer due to her insecurities.

very best of luck , would be interesting to hear any follow up

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