A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 21 and have been seeing a guy a few years older than me for almost 3 months now. He's the most amazing man, so sweet, considerate, intelligent, funny, handsome etc. We really enjoy each other's company, and see each other at least once a week. It's been quite a stressful time lately what with me having exams and him being busy with his family business and stuff, but we've still made time for each other and he calls me every day.I know he likes me - we can spend hours just curled up together cuddling and talking about anything and everything, he talks about things we should do in the coming months etc, he got me flowers when I was ill and has supported me whilst I've been stressed, and has started saying 'lots of love' at the end of phone calls. We're even trying to plan a holiday for a week or so soon.My only question is that we haven't had any conversation about what we actually 'are'. We were playing around having a joke about getting out of bed when he didn't want to, he said something like 'our first couple argument' and sometimes says stuff like 'this relationship' - but he tends to keep saying things referencing the fact we're dating; he's never actually called me his girlfriend. He's told his family + friends about me but I don't know what he's referred to me as.I obviously love what we have and the way things are going, and I'm not questioning whether he likes me, but I would like to know whether everyone needs that talk about defining what you are, or whether sometimes it's just implied that you're in a relationship? I hope I don't sound crazy or anything, I just like to know where I stand!
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 May 2013):
 I feel that the things you have said that he has said to you sounds like his trying to get the same answer what your wanting to know, is this a BF/GF relationship? I don't think 3 months is rushing it ( or pushing it)to find out if your an item. If you don't want to delcare your love for him right now thats cool, but to ask if your an item is not pushing it at all. It don't make you weak or vunerable to know where you stand, I actually think it's pretty sweet that he said " our first couple argument" and "this relationship", he obviously wanted your reaction to that then, and as you haven't said anything to him yet he may wait longer now because you left him hanging. Now if you said you have been seeing eachother 3 weeks then yes thats too soon, but come on 3 months and you don't know if your an item :/ it's not like your both asking to jump into marriage is it, THAT needs to be taken slowly, but if you feel comfortable the way you are now then stick to what you know, only you know whats right for you at the end of the day.
Mandy x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): I'm happy for you. I always try to add the male's point of view; because sometimes we are scorned for inaction or moving too slow in a relationship. I believe haste makes waste. I don't have any doubt he will seal the deal and call you his girlfriend.
However; what you've said below is the wisest decision. Be happy with the way things are now. You will receive your affirmation in due time.
Show your own strength. It's as much your decision as it is his, to be his girl. He wants to be sure that when he calls you his girlfriend, that you agree. The more time he has to show you love, the harder for you to say no. Actions speak louder than words.
Love is like a flower. It starts from a seed. A sprout comes up. You give it love, time and attention, water, sunlight, nutrients, and it blossoms.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :) I've heard mixed things about it being 3 months - some say you should be 'together' by then, and some say it's still early on. I'm perfectly happy with how things are right now - I certainly don't want to pressure the situation and am happy to let it develop naturally as it seems to be doing, I just wanted to see if it was unusual for that to happen or if it's a good way of doing things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): It has only been three months, and he is still in the process of deciding. Women like defining the relationship immediately. This impatience can appear to be insecurity to a guy; or you may be rushing it a bit. If you push too hard, he will pull away. I give this advice often, and many don't listen.
Men do not think like women. The minute he feels smothered, he will back off. He has been good to you. So go with the flow. Continue nurturing your feelings for each other. It will grow stronger over time, and he will have no choice but to tell you. He will let you know when the time is right.
Many relationships fail, because endorphins overwhelm people and they presume that to be love. Love takes time to develop. You feel a certain bliss; because he satisfy many of the things you need from a guy. Never place a guy on a pedestal. You become very disillusioned when you discover he isn't "perfect." Nor are you. Make sure he is what you really want. That he is worthy.
That goes two ways. You are caught up in young love.
He is the older, and the wiser. Trust must be earned and it must grow between the two of you. He has faults and flaws. You are blinded to his weaknesses by the bliss you feel at the moment. They become apparent when you quarrel or have a fight. You have to learn to work through disagreements and overcome obstacles together. Many men and women lose good prospects due to impatience. They need to brand the calf and prove ownership.
There is a trial stage at the onset of a relationship. A test of compatibility. You get to know a person's level of patience and tolerance. You learn something about their outlook and opinions to see how they meld and compare with yours. You study and adjust to each others likenesses and differences. Then you allow your relationship to gradually rise to the next level. You need to know how a man handles his anger. If he is supportive and respectful of your feelings. That he is not capable of violence against you.
That is very important for a woman to know.
He is slowly defining your "relationship" and acknowledging you as a "couple." He used the term relationship. So you have to give it time. There is much for you both to learn about each other. I frequently read posts from women asking why he suddenly wanted a "break" when things were going so well? Don't be afraid. You are allowed to coax him when he's dragging his feet. Just don't get pushy. You are going through the courtship phase. He is very attracted to you too.
It does not mean that he's not that into you. It does not necessarily mean he is afraid of commitment. It means it takes time to define a relationship and process it in his head as well as his heart. You are young, and you could change your mind in the blink of an eye; if you get angry enough. He has to trust your judgment and weigh your level of experience. If he makes a mistake, it could do you great damage.
Please get to know each other better. Rushing things will not do either of you any good. You are young and have limited experienced in relationships. You have much to learn. He may have rushed before, and regretted it.
So, slow down! Don't let your heart get ahead of things.
You can push and you can pressure, but it will only chase him away. If you doubt what I say is true.
Ignore me. Learn the hard way. It's important that you do.
There may be those who will say men fear commitment. Many do. What they really fear most; is being with an impatient and clingy woman. Insecurity wears you down. Constantly reassuring people becomes a chore. The relationship begins to suffer under the weight of it.
The same goes for strong women who prefer a time of adjustment. They have standards and don't just settle for the first guy who "seems" perfect. They make sure it isn't just an act. These guys do everything in their power to wear them down. They don't like being controlled or intimidated by men. They move at their own pace, and he'd better be prepared to handle her strength and independence.
First and foremost; they know they don't need a man.
They are strong enough to make their own decisions, take care of themselves, and realize they are responsible for their own happiness. These traits come with time and experience. Trial and error. Learning from their mistakes.
They make no man the center of their universe. Good men are attracted to those qualities. Unfortunately; so are the bad guys! But these women don't jump feet first into anything. They have to be wooed and you have to prove yourself worthy of their feelings and trust.
That's how you should be too. When he sees that in you, he will know better than to let you slip through his fingers.
There's always a smarter guy out there looking for a good woman. Competition can be brutal. Believe me, he knows it.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (12 May 2013):
HI
Sounds like you are in a relationship to him, so I would ( the next time you are together) ask him straight, Tell him you love what you have together and just need to know are you an item :D I think I know the answer to that already myself lol
Mandy x
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