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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have been together with my partner for a little over 2 years now and most things in the relationship are great.. actually they are more than great. The problem is my man has gone off sex and I don’t know what to do about it. I have talked this through with him and he just says that its not important and he doesn’t feel like it at the moment. We are having sex but only when I initiate it and it does feel a bit awkward. I love him very much and fancy the pants off him, and he does me too, he has simply lost his sex drive. I would like to be able to have sex at least 2 times a week, at the moment its once a fortnight If that. There is nothing else wrong in the relationship as we have talked about it, I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be in a sexless or nearly sexless one sided relationship, but I don’t want to leave him because hes gone off sex, I'm in a bit of a quandary! He isn’t worried about it as he says that it's not that important and that he loves me and nothing can change that. It's really hard when we have always had a good sex life to suddenly let it totally cool off.. He does masturbate on his own and I know its not that, as he's always done this, he does fancy me and want to be with, he just simply doesn’t want sex. Could this be a phase that men go through.. he's 34. Do men lose their sex drives ? I want to know how to deal with this, as I feel that I'm now getting obsessed by him not wanting sex to the point where im getting upset that we are not having sex. It's almost like I'm letting that take over, getting the hump that we don’t have sex type thing and it's driving me nuts. Is this just how men are ? Is it just a phase and he will be wanted sex again soon ? I really want him to want me sexually and it is hard going! Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I'm 30 and have been dating a girl for 18 months. The first 8months we had sex all the time. Now I don't care to at all. I love her to death, I just don't want to "bang her" all the time anymore.
I wish I did, but now that I'm so close to her I can't see her in that "sexual way" anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I think she's beautiful, I just don't want to jump her and have hot sex anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): A psychologist friend of mine advised me today that us the wives/girlfriend should take control, ask for sex in creative ways; send erotic instant messages to our partners, buy all the sexy lingerie you can and "literally pass by him" do your regular things... and not say a word (he'll do the rest supposably). Men cannot look at you in the eyes if you take off your blouse (and stay with your bra on) and try to have a serious conversation...right? I hope these things are usefull to you, good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): My husband is 33 and I am 23 turning 24 soon. We have been married less than a year and I have seen a drastic decline in the past few months in his sex drive. It is driving me insane and I give him a hard time about it sometimes.
Actually just before reading these posts we had our latest argument over this topic, because he didn't want to get intimate, and he went to watch tv. We are both each other's first and I was looking forward to a great sex life with him. Sometimes do it a few times a week and sometimes a lot less but I am just amazed at how hungry he was before marriage and how uninterested he is now.
He finds me very attractive and desires me but he just says things like "my back hurts", or "we cant always be in the mood at the same time". He thinks I don't understand this, I have a very high sex drive and am willing to suffer a little but sometimes it's too much. We know that the other masturbates and I told him maybe thats why he is not as interested in having sex, that he doesn't feel a need for it.
We are practicing natural birth control by him not releasing inside because we want to wait a little before having kids. He says that this is one reason why he doesn't want to do it. I am not sure if this is an excuse or not.
We talk about his weight issue a lot and he knows I am very adamant about him loosing weight. Maybe this is the reason.
I just wish things weren't so complicated. And that we could enjoy each other in this intimate way.
We have a great life together and are very comforterable financially, he was between jobs for 7 months and this was bothering him because he was bored, for the most part we are happy but this is causing me to get depressed, frustrated, and frankly upset.
I wish I could understand and that this wasn't the case.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): I am a 26 yr female and engaged to my 34 yr man. We have known each other for 10yr but have been together for 5.He has recently been suffering from a very low sex drive compared to what it used to be. This decrease has made me look up this website today. However what I do not understand is his need to look at porn on the internet (which we used to have fun doing together) and hide it from me if he has lost his sex drive. I am by no means ugly and think that I am quite attractive. He aslo says that it is not me just him. How can I stop thinking about it all the time?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): hello
ive been with my wife 9 years now. for around 6 years our sex life was amazing but once we had kids her sex drive just went. i mena gone nothing. yes we have had sex many times ofver the years sence we had kids weve tryed every sort of kink toy drug you name it but nothing have got her her sex drive back. its driveing her mad and im not happy about it myself. the thing is she has no erge for sex but if we go to bed and i spend like 1hr of massage head rubbing foot rubbing on her then just without saying anything mount her (yes i know it sounds bad but this is the term she herself uses) and screw her she getts really into and we have gr8 sex for a hr or so. btu as soon as that over we go back to the same no sex drive from her no wont at all i just dont know what to do now. weve talked and both see theres a problem but shes at a loss of what to do so am i and the doctors arnt intrested. so where does that leave us. it leaves her feeling like crap because she upseting me and it leaves me feeling bad for even wonting sex.
does anyone have any idears ? id like to hear from you all
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): oh my god I have the same problem. we have been married for 11 years great marraige but no sex. it only gets worse.(I am 35 5 2" 110pds blonde hair, blue eyes and I can still get the hottest guy in the room.) at first it was only days then it went to a week then months and months. now its been so long i have no idea how long its really been. I know he nots cheeting we do everything together i mean everything! after you get turned down so much you say screw it and dont even try any more.I could go on and on about this but my hubby just walked in. all I can say is best of luck. all I we want is to well you know thats not alot to ask. p.s. I am starting to see why people have afairs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Hello,
I am 44 (female)and my partner is 41. We are still living together as we own a house. We've been together 8 years. The whole time, he has hardly ever had any desire for sex. For me, I have felt more and more into my prime and also, I think, my body is screaming to have a baby, so the whole thing is biological as well as hormonal and behavioural. It is reassuring to read your comments as I am sick of hearing about its the man who always wants sex. Despite all sorts of nightmares and problems that we have gone through my urges do not go away. We will try a sex therapist as 2 other therapists haven't helped.. Nothing happens during the week, pigs would fly, and there may be one slot on a Sunday morning if I'm lucky. One year it happened only 3 times... I can't stand it for much longer. I want to wake up and make love, go to bed and make love, in the night etc. Why is it so impossible? It starts to turn you insane.. His testerone is normal accrdg to GP, I think I have it all... He has some psychological probs I think from things he saw as a child and growing up. I pray we can get to the bottom of it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): i am male of 32. i have just this weekend had the same discusion with my girlfreind. i am not a sexaly active as i was when i was younger. but still enjoy it. when i am feeling horney i try it on with my girlfreing of 23 and sometimes get knoked back becase she is not in the mood. this is thrustrating and feel that i am getting knoked back. this affects my self a steam and makes me think i why do i bother then! so i have got in to the ruck of waiting for her to make the move. reacntly my girlfreind has lost her horneyness as she puts it. she used to be up for it all the time. but since she stared a new job she is so tired and stressed from it that i have noticed her sex drive going down. she even dosent even masterbate any more. we both work long hours. we have been to gether 2 years now and our sex life was flippin great. i just want that back now becase i dont want to lose her. she is a maising and i love her to bits.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): Its both discouraging and relieving to see that im not the only female in the world having this problem. Im not crying alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I think it depends on who your with,. I had a husband who was so useless at sex that I absolutely hated and dreaded it and went off it for years.Now Im engaged to a 50 year old man with an incredible sex drive and I cant get enough. He has more stamina than a man half his age, and is very experienced. His friends have all been married years and are bored with sex now, whereas we feel its all just starting again. Brilliant.
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (2 November 2007):
 WOW, I can't believe the number of people who seem to lose their sex drive in their 30s. My wife and I both got divorced from our first spouses in our 30s and we both had a really high sex drive. We've been together for 28 years and, although it has varied some over the years, it is still very high, like several times a week. However, there were times where we would slow down, like maybe 2 or 3 times a month. If I had to guess, I would guess that it averaged 2 or 3 times a week over the years. It was normally 2 or 3 times a day on the weekends when in our 30s.
I have read some discussion boards on Viagra and the other ED meds (just in case). There are men in their 70s that still have a high sex drive, but just need some help with the physical part. Most have wives of the same age that are just as interested.
Isn't low testosterone one of the main causes of low sex drive? Perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order to get tested for hormonal levels. I think that hormonal imbalance can be treated.
The sex drive can vary with stress and concerns over personal things. If a person is having a stressful period at work and loses their sex drive, it may cause them to worry that they are losing their sex drive and make the stress worse. A vicious circle. This happens with ED problems. A guy might have a problem getting an erection because he is stressed. He begins to worry that he has ED and that stresses him even more, making it even more difficult.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): i think that as men get older and they have been in a relationship for a few years that they lose the impetus to have sex. my husband says he loves me but sex is becoming less frequent. i dont worry about it any more just appreciate the sex when we have it. just be patient and dont have such high expectations.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I'm a 46 year old man with the opposite problem. I have been married 20 years and have two teenage children. My libido is just as strong as it was in my youth. My wife (age 45), however, has no interest in sex.
She says she is too tired or blames the kids being around, but when pressed she will acknowledge that she really has no interest and is quite content to be that way.This is very frustrating for me.
She tells me she loves me and I am sure that she does. We get on well. Before the kids were born we had a healthy sex life, but that soon ended when the kids came along. We have talked a little about the issue, but the bottom line seems to be that I am expected to accept the position, which I do because I love her and wouldn't leave.
I can relate very easily to the other posts as I question whether my wife is still attracted to me. I know she still wants to live with me but it's like I am a friend and companion, but not a lover. She never wants to kiss passionately, often turning her head away. As the song goes, maybe it is "in her kiss" - the tell tale sign as to whether there is still a spark.
For the guys who have lost libido, try supplements from a health store. There are loads of things for lost libido. I take Ginkgo Biloba every day to assist mental awareness, but I am convinced it also puts lead in my pencil, and some studies have shown it to have an effect on libido. Read horny novels or watch sexy movies to put you in the mood.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Hi, I'm a 26 year old male. I've been married for 4 years to a beautiful lady who's 30. Since I turned 26 I've completely lost my sex drive - even stopped masturbating. I used to like to have sex four or five times a week - now it's once a month. It's so strange. My wife really hates it, she thinks I dont think she's sexy. I'm really dissapointed in women - there must have been over 200 times in the last 7 years she's said no because she's not in the mood. I've literally done it 5 times and she over reacts.
I feel sorry for all women in this situation, but it's not you!!! For a guy to loose his sex drive there is something wrong, women should realise how rare it is and also how worrying it is for the guy too.
Personally I think it's work stress that's causing the problem. I recently swtiched to a high pressure sales job. I used to notice a surge in my sex drive at weekends when I'm most relaxed, but even this has gone now. I'm sure it will come back at some point, for my wife's sake more than mine.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007): I wish I could lose my sex drive but there is no info on how to do that. Its not doing me any good and what's the point.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): I'm 39 and my husband will be turning 37 in a few months. My husband is having those same "problems". It is also messing with my head thinking what didi I do or didn't do.. I have tried initiated sex and got told I was overbearing. I don't think I have ever had anything hurt my feelings any worse than that did. We have been maarried for 15 years and we havew never had problems in that area before. And the way things stand right now I don't think my husband will eever want it again. I feel so unattractive lately that all I want to do is cry..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I have a question, Im a 27 year old male and my question is why is it when Im with my wife and were making love, half ways through I lose my disire? Its odd cause she thinks she not pleasing me but I know it has to do something with me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Wow, I can't believe that in the year 2007 we haven't figured this out yet. I am a man of 31, married, and in my youth i had a ravenous sex drive to the point of almost being destructive. Now my sex drive is basically zero. I had a hard time admitting it at first, then after admitting it, I had an even harder time figuring out why. But i think after hours of reading and talking with other men and women, I think I have it. And its not news.
Here it is, although both men and women reach sexual maturity in thier teens physiologically, pyschologically Men reach sexual maturity in thier teens and women reach it in thier 30's. This massive difference of sex drive is even further insulted by the fact that most women find older men attractive and secure.
Perhaps it is just the greatest of ironys that men spend thier whole teens and 20's being told no, no, no...and then when they reach thier 30's and 40's they have to tell their wives or gfs no, no, no. But, i would like to point out that in both instances, the men feel at fault. Ashamed that our high sex drive will lead to rape, or our low sex drive will lead to our partner having an affair.
Its a lose/lose situation that I have yet to find an answer for. The only thing i can say for the wives is: Think of how many times in your life you denied sex because you weren't in the mood. Then ask yourself, now that I am on the recieving end, it doesn't feel so good does it? That's not a hit at women, its just the unfortunate truth of the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): i know how you feel, I wouldnt have found this article if i wasnt up looking for answers,my husband is 42 and im 31, we have been together for 10 years(with ups and downs) I have started graving sex more since I entered my thirties, and my husband has lost his sex drive. I does a real number on your head! when you see other men looking at you,but the one you long for doesnt desire sex. at first I thought he was cheating on me, but that wasnt it, then I thought maybe he just wasnt attracted to me any more, He has never had a problem getting erect, theres just no drive. tonight he came to me said that he just felt fat and not sexy, well there you go. maybe we are just putting to much presser on them to perform. Im in my prime and hes just primed out. I think its just a hormone thing. if you figure it out let me know!@ cafemom.com (filly)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): i have been with my husband for nine years, he has never had a very high sex drive but over the past year or so he has completely lost interest in sex. i can fully understand what you are going through as i know i have felt unwanted and unloved. i have tried everything including buying sexy underwear to get him in the mood i was unsucessful. i would suggest talking to someone such as the gp about the loss of libido as this is what i am encouraging my husband to do. it is so hurtful when your partner doesnt wat you sexually and i sympathise with you totally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): My partner and I are going through the same thing at the moment he is 35 and we have together for 2 and half years. its been going on for over a year now and i know how you feel as its doing my head in. It realy does make you feel awful that they dont want you that way. My partner has agreed to see a sex therapist as its doing his head in too. I think you should speak to your partner and tel him how its making you feel tel him its hurting you. Look on the BASRT website and there are loads of therapist that cover this some are expensive but the one we are seeing she is a lot cheaper. Some people have told me to egnore it its nice that he dont want it all the time and he wants to spend time with you, but im with you on this. Good luck and i hope it works out for you
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2005): Hi, I'm the same way. I'm 36. I have had sex numerous times in my life. It's nothing new to me and is by far the least important thing in my relationships. It gets old after a while. I think the mistake you're making is that you are not allowing him to get naturally horned out. You can't force sex on someone if they don't want it. Let him come to you when he gets the urge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2005): Being a man at 31 years old I can tell you that I am in the same position as your man. I can tell you that it most likely has nothing to do with you, nor is it anything that you're doing wrong. I too have lost my sex drive and don't need it as often as I have. My G/F had concerns as well and it began to place hardships on our relationship. The reason why I have lost my sex drive is for personal reasons. I don't feel as fit as I use to. I think of myself as overweight or unattractive. Perhaps he is feeling the same, Unattractive? Or maybe he feels as if you are not at all satisfied? Or too pressured to make you feel satisfied.
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reader, myteamum +, writes (30 April 2005):
This is going to sound like," yeah right" but not all men feel a great need for sex. To some men less often is perfectly normal. It could also be that since you have been together for 2 years he feels comfortable in the relationship and doesn`t need to try to impress you with how often he can do the deed. There is what's known as a honeymoon period in all relationships where to start it's all go, then things slowly seem to fizzle out a bit.I think that you just have a guy who doen`t believe that sex is everything in a relationship and if the relationship is good in all other areas then you have more than some. Try to relax and don`t feel awkward initiating sex. Sometimes women need to take the lead role.You could ask him (if it like once a month or longer)if you could maybe share the closeness and be intimate just a little more often but he may just be a very secure person who doesn`t feel he needs to perform and brag about it.If the quality is there then that is more important.I hope this can be of some help to you.
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