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Do men lose their sex drive? He's 34 and he's just 'not in the mood' any more...

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Question - (29 April 2005) 53 Answers - (Newest, 1 May 2013)
A , anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

I have been together with my partner for a little over 2 years now and most things in the relationship are great.. actually they are more than great.

The problem is my man has gone off sex and I don’t know what to do about it. I have talked this through with him and he just says that its not important and he doesn’t feel like it at the moment. We are having sex but only when I initiate it and it does feel a bit awkward.

I love him very much and fancy the pants off him, and he does me too, he has simply lost his sex drive. I would like to be able to have sex at least 2 times a week, at the moment its once a fortnight If that.

There is nothing else wrong in the relationship as we have talked about it, I just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be in a sexless or nearly sexless one sided relationship, but I don’t want to leave him because hes gone off sex, I'm in a bit of a quandary!

He isn’t worried about it as he says that it's not that important and that he loves me and nothing can change that. It's really hard when we have always had a good sex life to suddenly let it totally cool off.. He does masturbate on his own and I know its not that, as he's always done this, he does fancy me and want to be with, he just simply doesn’t want sex.

Could this be a phase that men go through.. he's 34. Do men lose their sex drives ? I want to know how to deal with this, as I feel that I'm now getting obsessed by him not wanting sex to the point where im getting upset that we are not having sex. It's almost like I'm letting that take over, getting the hump that we don’t have sex type thing and it's driving me nuts.

Is this just how men are ? Is it just a phase and he will be wanted sex again soon ? I really want him to want me sexually and it is hard going! Please help!

View related questions: in the mood, sex drive, sex life

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A male reader, Solly Canada +, writes (1 May 2013):

30 April 2013.

Dear Anon:

Yes men lose their sex drive as they age.

I do research. This is what research shows.

1)Kinsey: Greatest Male Biological Orgasmic Response Capability and Frequency possibleis before 18 years of age.

2)Male Sexual Response begins to lessen as of maturity at 18 years of age.

3)The angle of erection changes by 25 years of age. Angle of erection relates to blood flow to the penis. When angle changes this means blood flow is diminishing.

4)Refractory Period as compared to 18 years of age, lengthens by 25 years of age.

5)Number of male orgasms possible, in a set time period, diminishes by age 25.

6)Nocturnal Emissions is usually greatly diminished or over by late 20s.

7)Testosterone diminishes by 1-2% per year by 30 years.

8)Male Multiple Orgasms (in a set time period) are usually over by early 30s.

9)Amount of blood flow to penis and penile head is reduced by early 30s. (Check the colour of the penile head during erection.).

10)Involuntary penile contractions during erection are diminishing/diminished in early/mid 30s.

11)Amount of penil lubrication in erection is diminished by late 30s.

12)Amount of semen emitted is diminished by late 30s.

13)Firmness of erection diminishes and is first noticeable in mid 20s.

14)Number of erections possible/needed for sexual satiety greatly reduced by 40 years.

15)At 40, 52% of males have some issue with erectile dysfunction.


16) They do not allow men and women to know the reality of early male sexual aging. It is often hidden by the consciously used/misused phrases like "may" "could" or say that sex is still enjoyable.

17)Medical Authorites simply do not inform all persons of this sexual truth.

18) There should be standards researched so that Males and Females could know the truth about Male Sexual Aging and Male Sexual Response.

19)If females knew that they should not expect males sexual response patterns to remain stable as per 18 years of age by 28 years of age, and men knew that they simply have to accept males sexual response patterns to change dramatically as compared to 16 years of age, things may be better.


This is closer to the real truth as to Male Sexual Decline. Each male is different. But it happens to all. Men hide this from themselves and their lovers because it is truly depressing.

Ask men and women you know about how they feel when they realize this difficult truth. It would be interesting how they, both men and women, do actually feel and experience this truth.



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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012):

I have been with my partner for 4 yrs now , we live apart see each other 3 nights out of the week mainly weekends . He has a low sex drive and mine is high would have sex every night , sometimes a month even more passes with no sex , it's very upsetting and frustrating and have to masturbate to satisfy my sex drive . I am 45 he is 44 . He had been married before for 20 yrs . He said that his wife had a low sex drive snd he always had to make the first move , and after 20 yrs of marrige and 2 kids she left him for another man . I have had many partners he's only ever had his wife and slept with another woman twice then we met . Sex has never been a strong with him . We have had some great sex together and he says sex with me is the best he has ever experienced . He does have a problem with how many men I have slept with in my past , but that's my past and I love him after being engaged separated and married and divorced , I have never known real love till I met him . I would never cheat on him love him to much no other man will ever make me feel like he does . I just wish his sex drive would get stronger , I have talked to him about his sex drive we have not discussed it to where we talking about seeing doctors, I don't want to hurt his feelings and push him , is it rite for me to let him think I don't mind when I do , I know he knows it bothers me but we just carry on as normal .

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011):

I always find this type of thing interesting, simply because I don't understand it. I'm a 46 year old male, married (2nd time), with kids. The 2nd marriage is now 8 years old, and indeed I'm no doubt "starting to get up there" age wise. Here's the thing though: while not a constant, my wife and I have sex (on average) at least once a day. It can vary from multiple times during a day to occasionally a few days without. There are times when I feel very close to her and things get very intense... and the times when we're not. But there's always a reason for those "dry" periods.

Perhaps she is stressed due to some issue, or perhaps we've had an argument, or a bit of unspoken resentment has crept in due to a poorly worded comment, a misunderstanding, etc.

But the fact is that I'm typically ready, every day, even at my age. When we're going at it daily, I never have time (nor the need) to masterbate - there's simply nothing left so there's no point! But if I'm choosing to masterbate instead of seeking her out, its because I have an unspoken issue with her and I'm childishly being passive-aggressive about it.

Can physical issues cause a problem? I've never experienced it - but I know such conditions exists. I've known women for which sex is simply painful... and it sucks. I don't smoke, don't drink, and try to stay in shape, hence perhaps I just haven't hit the wall yet. But if these 30-ish gentlemen are masterbating (as their partners appear to indicate) then obviously it's not a physical limitation. For whatever reason they are harboring unspoken issues about their relationship and partners, and have chosen to either punish their partners or be evasive.

Perhaps they no longer find their partners attractive? Walking in the door as the wife is sitting down, watching Oprah, with a tub of ice cream? Do they feel their doing the majority of the housework? Do their partners belittle them in front of their friends?

Who knows, but withholding intimacy is a BS thing to do, and they really need to stop wasting both their time and their partner's time and either man-up and discuss their issues in the open, or leave. It's not easy... I know it, I've been there, I had to walk away from my first marriage. But it's better than spending your years unhappy, living life as room-mates instead of a married couple. Everyone deserves better than that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011):

I must say, I know that when someone says "my mans sex drive is gone all-of-a-sudden!", the first thing that comes into a lot of peoples minds (whom are inexperienced with this actual issue) is, What is SHE doing wrong to deserve this result? Some of the men who have replied to this post have even come off sounding a bit sexist and shamelessly self serving. I don't doubt that there are cases where lack of sex from a man can be the result of underlying relationship problems or unattractive habits in their mate, ect., but low sex drive is a Real Problem for some men, and this is not a threat to anyones masculinity, k? It is something that some men just have no control of due to things like low testosterone or estrogen levels, which are both sex hormones which are present in males and can be measured with a blood test. Stress and lack of excersize and poor diet and even smoking and drinking can have this effect, and yes it's true that once a man gets to be around 30 his testosterone levels start to decrease causing him to gain weight more easily and want sex less. (also gaining weight around the stomach more so than on other parts of the body is a tell tale sign of stress). I think it's also a sexual deterrent for men to have a lot of uncertainty in their lives, money problems and ongoing stresses or depression. I think that, even if he says he "doesn't need it", if a doctors visit yields no clues, a visit to a Good therapist definitely could not hurt. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and if it's not working, if you give a crap about your relationship, you must work on it, however you can. Also ladies, this is a very emasculating and embarrassing problem for a male to have and even if they say it doesn't matter, that's a lie, it does matter and it most likely really bothers them too, so tread lightly, don't blame them (unless they are a fake, weak, immature and selfish liar and are just cheating on you--been there) and be empathetic to their feelings. You don't want a possibly fixable problem to destroy a truly valid relationship. Sexual excitement slows down after you get used to each other, but it shouldn't be so rare that there is a big imbalance of desire in the relationship. That will just lead to other problems and possible breakdown. Finally, if you are in the mood, and he's not, if he is unwilling to atleast satisfy you, then there is something going on other than a low sex drive and you need to talk about it to try and find out what that is, and be sensitive about it! Society tells men that they have to do certain things to he "manly", and those things are usually total BS, but that doesn't mean that they don't effect most men in some way. Try not to hurt his little feelings. If your man loves you he will want to try to make you happy and he will do it however he knows best to, so don't be afraid to give him some clues when you know exactly what will do the trick for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011):

I don't have an answer necessarily to anyone's questions but just my own experience to note:

I am a 30 year old female dating a wonderful man, 36 years old. We met about 2 years ago and got to know each other as friends first and foremost. We started dating approx. 9 months ago. It was great because we had worked together and really got to know each other on a personal level before the relationship evolved. Once we started dating it was great. Wonderful evening together, dinners out, time just spent together. The first few months the sex was not the hottest I've ever experienced but it was still great. Soon into our relationship he ended up with a urinary tract infection and never really saw a Doctor about it (even though I begged him to). Our sex life has changed drastically and we have become the twice a month couple that I absolutely hate. I have brought it up in conversation and he had told me that he just sometimes doesn't feel like having sex, like he is not in the mood for it, like he is not happy with his body and is just utterly exhausted. Yes he works, but he also spends a lot of time sleeping when he gets home from work, watching TV, smoking, drinking in moderation and not very active (ie. slighly over weight but not a big deal to me). He sais that he just doesn't really think it's that important to him and he is at "that age" that he is loosing his sex drive (36 - REALLY). I don't buy it because when we first met he had a way bigger sex drive than he does now. I think he needs to see a Doctor, that he might be slightly depressed with his body, work, amount of money he makes etc. He noted that he sometimes feels really girly about sex and just doesn't like the way he feels or looks. I really feel like this is a deal beaker for me. I'm 30 but have always had a healthy view of sex and sex drive, which I would like to continue to have. As mentioned above, we have had this conversation and he said that if I just initiated it more often that he would usually be up for it (unless he was completely exhausted). The problem is I always feel like initiate it and that I am spending most of my time pleasing him which leaves me feeling less than satisfied. I don't know what to do because I do love him and care deeply about him and I know he feels the same. He has said that he loves me soo much because he can be himself and doesn't have to try to be someone he's not. I don' t want to be with someone who puts on a show or tries to be someone he is not but at the same time I also don't want to be with someone that I feel always needs to be brought up. Sexually, in life, in love, in humor. Maybe these are the bigger underlying issues of our relationship and why are sex drive is affected. I love him as I've said...I'd love to see this relationship succeed but I have so many concerns. I also feel horrible if I ended a relationship purely based on the amount of sex we have now knowing that this will eventually decrease no matter what as we both get 30 really to young to settle knowing your sexual peak (especially as a female) is behind me?????

Fuck - this is a tough one.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2011):

BettyBoup agony auntJamie Starr, there was something wrong with you though, wasn't there? You had no empathy or respect for anyone but yourself. Your answer makes me so angry. If you stopped being excited by your girlfriend, why were you too scared to leave her, instead of cheating?

Also, to the guys who say, well, it's ok because women say no no no, throughout guy's teens and 20s, that is bollocks. I am a woman who would never say no, because I believe sex to be important. Once sex stops becoming important, then the alarm bells start to go off. Ok, things may cool down after years, but not at the start of a relationship. If your partner tells you they need more sex, and you just don't crave it. Why not just do it more? It won't hurt you. You might even enjoy it. And you will show your partner how much you love them, by meeting their needs. Also, if you don't use it, you lose it, so if you do start to use it again, perhaps your sex drive will return.

Having no interest in sex in a long term relationship is fine, if both parties are content with this, and other aspects are more important to them. But if one person is unhappy and wants more sex, but the other person does not, then this will lead to serious problems unless addressed. If you are the person with low sex drive, and you love your partner, why not make an effort to spice things up?

If you don't love or fancy your partner enough to want to make an effort, ask yourself, why are you wasting both of your time? Don't you both deserve the full works?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011):

I am so sorry to hear your dilemma. While the above answer holds some truth, ifthe two you are on different sexual need levels eventually that spells trouble. I just got married to a man who has yet to consulate the marriage. He did not tell me he,"lost" his sex drive he also madturbates. Well, that's sexual release not with me. You have a valid concern. Our relationship is great as well. Both these men need medical evolution first, psychological second! I have a pad in psych. Hope this helps

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011):

Hi everyone,

I have just found this post and it makes me feel much better.

I'm 31 and only married a month. My partner and I have had a problem over the last few years where sometimes my sex drive is just low, I dont really initiate sex as I don't seems to need it. This drives her nuts,we have had MASSIVE arguments about this and she feels that I don't want her, which is not the case at all. I love her and actually once we start I love it as she is really hot. Just the starting seems to be the hard part.

She is currently talking about seperating as we had a massive argument about it and I said I just don't seems to have a very high sex drive, she took this totally the wrong way and thinks it is something to do with is so not.

She see's sex at 70% of our relationship where I don't. I think she is hurt from her parents splitting up as the dad had an affiar so wants to make sure we have a strong sex life.

I said I'll change my life style, not work as much, not drink so much etc and even go to the doctor, AGAIN she see's this as an insult as she thinks that i should have lust for her no matter what.

I'm really having a hard time with this, I love her to pieces but she is not understanding and is REALLY hurt


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010):

I am a 30yr old male going through what i am coming to understand which is the lost of sex drive that seems to happen naturally to most men at this age forward...

As i reflect on the last 18yrs of sex, I remember having the ability to last for hours and maybe even open a hole in the wall if my life depended on it! The result of my 20's is 2 children which i love and adore...

But as of right now! Life has started to take it's toll on me as i find myself in a place of uncertainty... I do realize I live with more stress now than ever before! As is my understanding that life's up's and down's do have an effect on other aspects of life as well...

I can't express enough how feeling at ease with one's life, at this point in life is so important to a man...

Once you know that certain things are in order and following a plan, it becomes easier to enjoy other parts of life as well...

Being relaxed, comfortable and confident is key!

To the women out there, if you feel as if you are with someone you truly cherish, then give your guy a break! Stop and look around, I'm sure things aren't what they use to be and many things have changed...

Change with the change, adapt and overcome! Find a balance that works for you... Words we can all live by!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010):

I can't complain about my bf's sex drive, i'm 28 and he is 39. We have been together for close to two years now, we have sex at least once a day. Some days we have had sex 5 times. I have a very high sex drive and the more I get the more I crave, he also has a high sex drive. I'm thankful for this. Some people may not have big needs like I do but there partners might have them. It's important for you to help fulfill your partners needs as well as your own..

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A male reader, Jamie Starr United States +, writes (13 November 2010):

There are several reasons...

1. Nothing excites a guy more than sex with a new girl...variety is exciting!!! Chances are if you married or living with a have already had sex with this person hundreds if not thousands of times before. Its virtually impossible to have that height of excitement as with a new girl.

2. Your body becomes conditioned and accustomed to not becoming automatically aroused around a woman that you have been married to or living with for a period of time. Your body realizes that just because they are nude...that doesn't mean to get excited. That person may be taking a shower because they are dirty or getting dressed. However, you immediately get excited with the new woman because your body knows that if she is nude...that means sex...

3. You also see and experience your spouse or live in at her worst. You hear her pass see her leave out of the potty (sometimes smelling the after effects) inadvertently see used sanitary napkins at some point and a nutshell as I said earlier, you see her at her worst!!! With a new girl, you only see her at her best...she is sexy...smelling good...tasting good...and ready to "rock and roll".

4. With a wife or live in, you have the getting on each other's nerves...the little things about each other that bother you. With a new girl, if something does bother you...she is not around long enough for it to really get on your nerve.

5. Taking into account all of the above, when you are with your wife or live in, many times it may take work to get a man excited whereas with a new girl, the "excitement" is already there before you undress just by the anticipation of it all.

Years ago I had a girlfriend that I was having problems getting excited for. She was worried that something was wrong with me...I couldn't let her know that I knew that there was nothing wrong with me because I was having fantastic sex with another girl I was seeing...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010):

In all of these cases where a man has shown less interest in sex, I doubt it is age-related. I'm 31 now, but even when I was 19, I remember moving in with my first serious girlfriend and our sex life pretty much plummeting. For us, it was a symptom of deeper relationship problems, but I've found this to happen every time I've moved in with a partner. When you're around one another 24/7 it's easy for the spark and excitement to fade away because you start to take each other for granted. It's a sad reality but seems pretty common.

The first thing to do is address any underlying problems in the relationship. Is everyone's needs getting met emotionally? How is the communication? Once you've ruled out other problems, here's a suggestion you can try. I know this would work on me. Surprise him! If you're home before he returns from work, maybe wear something skimpy or some lingerie that you know will drive him crazy and just ambush him when he walks in the door. Sex gets boring when it's predictable and unexciting, so surprise him, mix it up, and if you're aware of any little kinks or fetishes he has, work those into it. I'm pretty sure you'll get a night of the best sex you guys have had in months.

If all else fails, just call me and I'll come take care of your needs. KIDDING! I had to throw that in there, to live up to my awful male stereotype.

Good luck. :)

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A female reader, cattiebrie90 United States +, writes (1 November 2010):

Ok, so I'm reading all of this about men losing their sex drive, and women losing theirs, and the relationship getting old, the guy not being attracted to the girl, all of that. But my situation seems to be way different.

I'm 20. My bf is 23. HE HAS NEVER HAD ANY SORT OF SEX DRIVE. We've been dating for going on 4 months, and we have sex about 1 to 3 times a week. When I'm on my period is his favorite time of the month! He gets to go an entire week without me trying to nibble on his ear, or kiss my way down his chest and stomach to his zipper. I'll even offer to just give him a blowjob and not even require any maintenance on myself! But nooooo!!!

Sometimes he'll want to just go down on me, but get nothing in return, and I simply don't understand it. It makes me very uncomfortable, as his last girlfriend didn't care about his needs, she just wanted to get her jollies off and be done with it. I don't want to be like that.

I'm at my wits end. He's the only guy I've never cheated on, and I want to keep it that way, but I love sex. 2, 3 times a day I'll get horny. But I don't what to do about it. I'm currently on ebay buying libido enhancers and I'm gonna sneak them into his food!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010):

to the women...

1. did you gain alot of wieght?...

2. are you ungreatfull?..does he say you are?

3. are you clean? dishes,laundry? not horde?

4. plain lazy? when ask to do something that benifits the relationship/family? cooking

if you dont have none the above problems than he is gay or comming out..sorry...i man cannot complain if his wife is as slim as he first met her and is responsible

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):

I am 29 and my partner is 34.... we have been together only 8 months and after reading all these comments and reflecting on my sex life I am now in a state of despair as it is very early days. Thinking about the beginning it was never really really frequent. A few times a week maybe. We shared more loving, happy times getting to know one another by sharing every single memory of our lives, playing the guitar and singing and literally staying up til 6am drinking wine, eating great food, laughing and talking utter nonesense. It was as if i had found my soul mate. The sex then was typical of 'early relationship sex', furious and passionate, then it turned to softer 'love making' and was very intimate and we shared an unreal closeness. Over the past 3 months however, it has become almost non-existent. I am left feelin completely lost.

I have a very high sex drive and feel that it is only hetting stronger as I am steadily reaching 30. Over the past few months I have tried going to bed earlier, with a wink and a nod towards the bedroom door. Sadly I am either snubbed by him staying up late to 'uplaod music onto his new iphone', watch tv or to do any other meaningless task.... on the other occasions he will willing follow me to bed however immediatley puts 'family guy' on the bedroom TV and quickly drifts off to sleep after a few giggles!!! It leaves me feeling worthless and undesired. It hurts so much. Its as if he never ever thinks about it..... However then I see on his computer history several visits a week to porn sites so he can't be completely asexual?????

I dont doubt his love for me. We are still incredibly in love but I am now left feeling that something is missing. I can envisage me spending my whole life with him as he is otherwise amazing and we laugh together like I have never laughed before. I dont want to be without him however I am now left thinking it would be a life with a 'missing piece'. I do attract many guys when I am out and about and I know there are many men out there to whom I would be totally desirable. I find myself thinking about what sex would be like with other people and i feel terribly guilty as I sincerely dont want any other men... I want him and only him... but just not like this.

I have brought it up but he takes the defensive quite often and I find myself quickly in a mood and very standoffish. he frequently says he is tired and from my own previous experience I know this is signs of not being attracted to your partner. I dont want him to make love to me because i have nagged him to do so.... i want him to make love to me because he truly 'wants me'....The harsh reality is that he just doesnt. he loves to snuggle up on the sofa and shower my face in little kisses, which is lovely but it hardly rocks my world .I just don't know what to do anymore.... HELP x x x

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010):

Ok, this is interesting. I thought I was the only person who had this kind of problem. I'm 34 yo. I started losing my sex drive about couple years ago. For somehow, sex is not as important as before. Nowadays I'm more focusing on career and my own business. I'm not stressed or anything. During my late teens and early twenties, I could do it twice a day easily. Currently? Only once or twice a week (mostly once a week). I'm so glad that I'm not abnormal. It seems like there are many guys on my boat. :-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010):

As a 30 year old man I can certainly say that sex is nowhere near as important to me as it once was. This might sound odd, but sometimes it just seems like a bit of a hassle, and I'd rather just cuddle up on the couch and put on a movie. Of course it is important to a relationship, and I do enjoy it, but it's not something I need all the time. Sex makes up just one aspect of a relationship, and people seem to focus too much on the sexual side sometimes I think. Having said that, in general I've found that sexual problems are often due to underlying problems in the relationship. If however you are comfortable that there aren't any underlying problems, this is probably not the case. So in a nutshell, yes men can lose their sex drives somewhat (despite our reputation for being almost entirely consumed by notions of sex).

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010):

My husband's sex drive is out of control. He is 49 and I am 53. I no longer have a sex drive and this has created enormous problems. I just don't enjoy sex any more, why? He has gained 60 pounds but I still love him to death. I take a medication for depression, not suppose to have sexual side effects. He wants it 3x a week and I don't want it at all. HELP!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

to him he has won his conquest. People want what they cannot have.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010):

I have been with my husband for 18 years and married for 16 years. We have three beautiful children.

I noticed my husband's change in sex drive when we moved in together when we were engaged. We had a weekend relationship therefore only had sex on the weekends. When that continued I was frustrated and doubted getting married.

Now, after many affairs that my husband knows about, he's still in denial and refuses to do anything about his lack of desire. He kept blaming me, my attitude, our bad relationship. But when things are good between us nothing changes. I don't want to leave him but I hate going on like this - feeling so undesired, unattractive to him - it kills me to my core. What makes it worse is his refusal to do anything. Just tonight he blamed me again saying I'm just not grateful enough - implying again that it's somehow my problem and he needs to do nothing.

I don't want to leave - but I so want to leave. If my affair partner would have taken me I would have left my husband 4 years ago. But he was also married. Now he's divorced. How can I continue to live like this. Instead of enjoying a great sex life, I'm angry and resentful alot, which doesn't help and feel so unloved.

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A female reader, woman_woes Singapore +, writes (3 October 2010):

Dear all,

I am very amazed at how many of us there are out there who are feeling the very same low in our sex life. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. In the first two and a half years, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Whenever we went out, both of us would cut the evening short and head back home to devour each other. That was the best part of the relationship. Then he wanted to move in together so that we could enjoy each other everyday. I was hesitant for I felt that moving in could kill whatever passion and desire we could have for each other. After months of talking and almost fighting, we did.

NOW, he has lost so much interest in sex that I feel it a nightmare to come home. I know that his job scope increased and so did the stress but for goodness sake, I am where he wanted me to be and nothing. Nothing intimate or even desireable. He keeps saying that stress at work has taken a huge toll on him and it's like that. So I am supposed to be ok with it. I have tried subtle ways to make things exciting and just as I think it is going well, he is tired etc.. He even comes to bed with his clothes on. This from a guy who told me that sleeping in the nude is natural unless you don't want your partner to touch you. So I guess I get his message.

There was once in his sleep he had a hard on and he just grabbed me and started making love... less than a min, he came, rolled over and went to sleep. It was the most hurtful emotional moment for me. I couldn't have felt less of a woman than that night itself.

Now, I am literally giving up on even trying anything with him. There are guys, even his friends who have hit on me. He knows this but just says, "Of course they would. You are sexy, beautiful and smart. Who wouldn't want to bang you?" BUT WHY NOT HIM? That is why I ask myself up till now, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I know many times we hear people saying, it's not you. But if it isn't that what is? And how come up till 2010, we are still facing the same issues. Am I supposed to find a much younger guy who can only think about sex?

Sorry if my message sounds crude. I just wish that I didn't have such a high sex drive or such interest in sex at all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010):

BTW-one thing that does help my hubby is when we go to our remote cabins every so and then, and bring sexy lingerie, take pics, and use the hot tub. Sometimes, the daily routine and comfort of relationships can get ho hum. Think about it. when you are in your twenteis, you do not have to tend with kids, pets, massive bills, job stress, etc. Also, men are very variety oriented and visually stimulated, so it is possible some men just can get excited by the same person. women may feel this way too. I am faithful, Christian, honest and would never cheat but sometimes I am taken aback that my hubby will most likely be the only man I am ever with again (unless death). I am peaking sexually cuz of my age, and I can relate to the poster that said she is frustrated cuz men hit on her but the man she wants sex with does not want her. I feel for ya, but always be faithful and for God's sake, dont cheat and risk your marriage. Many divorced folks think grass is greener on the other side and seek the sexual thrills and attention a new relatlinship brings,but according to thermodynamics, everything falls and gets just as boring as your oringanl relatlionship. Then again, maybe us folks are just too sexualized due to media, porn, women's magazines that convincer women men are out of control, which makes us put too many expactions on our partners and spouses. Maybe sex has more to do with procreation than we thought, which is why babies tend to healthier and folks are more fertile in their 20s, when men's drive peaks (sperm is necessary, and men in their 20s deliver). Women in our 30s may peak cuz the body knows we are in the last few years of fertility, whereas men's sperm counts are massive in the twnenties and ejaculations are powerful and massive. Since the sex revoultion, sex is so abundant that men and wmen dont settle down in their prime, but wait until one partner is in decline before marrying. Also, sex is so readily available on puters, tv, music, mags, etc, and folks are so promiscous, marriage may seem boirng comnpared to one's sexual past. When somehting is readily available, like sex, it becomes a mere commodity that eventually cheapens and loses it's values. I blame rampant promiscuity and female hormones in the products. I dont buy the men in their 30s are just in decline stuff. Basically, it is a combo of things today that are making sex boring in relationships. Most of us cannot compete with the fake sexiness and buffness we see on tv, which is why I thinkg women dont feel confident after birth and men feel they dont measure up physiucally either.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010):

I can honestly relate to both the men and women who have partners with low sex drives. I am 36, and my hubby, whom I luv more than anything except my daughter, has a very low drive. Don't get me wrong, his erections are firm, and he is very good, though he does not last that long. Our sex is great, but fact is, I almost ALWAYS have to initiate sex. I am petite, blond, work out constantly, and look and feel better and more "in the mood" than I ever did in my twenties, and I treat him well. I understand that men peak in their teens and early twenties, but to me, it is not normal to lose a male drive until at least the 60s or 70s, though older men need more direct penile stimulation. They are saying that this could possibly be the result of female hormones saturated into many products, and some feel we are socializing men to be more feminine to the point of almost making them not want sex. Also, a lot of women did say no in their twenties because they knew men in their age group just wanted sex. Many men are saying that it is fair for a man to never want sex with his spouse whom he swore vows to cuz girls would not "put out" to men in their twenties who must wanted a roll in the hay. No comparison to a man or woman wanting sex from a spouse to unstable folks in their twenties wanting a mere shag. women have to be choosy about men becuase of possible pregnancy. Those who are not end up single moms. That is why decent girls say no to sex with young horny boys. Though the age sex peak thing does have some affect, I think it is more chemically and culturally induced.

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A female reader, VON United States +, writes (29 December 2009):

I'm 44 yrs old and my partner is also 44 yrs old. i been with him for 3 yrs. we used have sex all the time, in the middle of the night, in the morning. afternoon. Now for the last 3 months his son has been with us and his son is 4yrs old. my partner now dont hardly have sex with me. i talked to him about what's going on with his sex drive. He claims he's stressed and have so much on his mind. He said sex isn't important to him anymore. It makes me feel sad and hurt that I lay beside this man every night and we both sleep in a nude and i can't get no sex from him. i'm really to find me a young man, who can keep up with me, my partner is a deadhead. i cant deal with this no more.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009):

Wow - this is such an important topic and I feel everyone's pain and frustration. I'm going through it myself and have asked all the same question - is it me? is he with someone else? am i being too needy? how can i continue without sex?....etc etc. but you have to detach to these crazy emotions to move on.

It's tough how women reach their peak later in life - maybe that's why there are so many women going out with much younger men?...kinda makes sense biologically.

I'm of two minds. I think sex & intimacy are so important and maybe the glue that binds two people but love is something that will last much longer than sex....

My partner and I are seeing a specialist soon and I'm remaining positive. You have to tackle this issue as a team. No blame - just a issue that needs attention and SO MUCH love and support.

If you both want each other you'll work together and who knows it might bring you even closer together....stick with it but get help - you shouldn't suffer in silence.

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A male reader, nyrstein United States +, writes (19 December 2009):

Hey I know this is an old thread, but wanted to chime in. And also, wonder how the couple is almost 5 years later.

Ok, so I'm 34 years old, without a girlfriend, and have a MASSIVE sex drive. I am so horny when I wake up and am always checking out women (and sometimes good-looking guys) when I walk through the streets. I also masturbate frequently. I don't have anyone to discharge these feelings with, so that's all I got! LOL! But I still have a very high drive--maybe because I'm not with someone.

But I think someone mentioned a good way to regain a sex drive is to stop smoking, for one. I agree--it's a bad habit for one and just doesn't help.

Although, I would contest the idea that masturbation hurts a sex drive. Quite the contrary. I can't orgasm in 5 minutes as I did when I was 15y/o, but I do it quite a lot and it doesn't seem to quell my desires.

I think your attitude is what helps the drive. If you feel confident, desireable, and exercise you'll have a well-oiled "sex drive" well into your old age.

I mean, Picasso had children when he was in his 70s. Not saying he could do it like a porn star at that age but still, the human being is a sexual being until the grave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Okay I think I have everyone beat on the whole age thing. My husband is 19 and so am I and in the past two months we have gone from sex at least 4 times a week to maybe 4 times a month. He completely lost his sex drive. He wont even Kiss me or even touch me anymore. I keep confronting him about it but he says he doesn't notice a change at all and I shouldn't be worried. We have only been married 5 months and already his sex drive is gone. I was expecting it to start to decline when he got to his 50's but not when he is under 20.....He finally said tonight that he thinks he just lost his sex drive but I have no idea what to do about that...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009):

I know I'm a 25 year old woman dating a 35 year old man. We've been together for almost two years now, and in the beginning, as with all relationships, we used to have sex often. It was fun, we'd even buy lingerie together and get experimental with different areas. It seems like over the last year and a half things have completely changed. He tells me hes just never been that comfortable talking about sex, when I bring it up, and that I'm overbearing and that I turn him off sometimes because he sees me in that way. I've tried talking with him about it and asking him about it, offering suggestions. He says its work stress, when he will talk about it, then he says its because of other stresses. I know this year, we've slept together less than a handful of times, and out of all those times, he's only initiated once. I wouldn't mind if he didn't always seem in a hurry when it does happen, or if he did little things to show me he was interested in me physically at all.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008):

I feel awful because I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 24.

We've been together for 2 years....

I know he's stressed but we've done it while he's under stress before!

Now we can start be we can finish because he can't concentrate...

He's too young to be losing it now!!

I'm embarrassed and afraid.

It's not fair that we used to do it almost everyday and now we're lucky to even do it at all.

My birth control causes me to bleed all the time and I asked him if he was just sick and grossed about by it and he said that it often doesn't bother him but it can make him itch.....

I don't know what to do

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A male reader, katman13 United States +, writes (20 November 2008):

It's natural for men to notice a gradual decline in sex drive as they age. The degree of this decline varies with the individual. However, an abrupt loss of sex drive at the relatively young age of 51 isn't normal. Most men still maintain some sexual interest well into their 60s and 70s.

For men, the most likely treatable cause of loss of sex drive is depression. Less commonly, loss of sex drive may be related to stress, a medication side effect or a decrease in male sex hormones due to an endocrine disorder.

Encourage your husband to talk to his doctor. A medical evaluation by a family practitioner, internist or urologist can help determine the cause of decreased sex drive. Treatment of the underlying problem may help

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

I'm 30 and have been dating a girl for 18 months. The first 8months we had sex all the time. Now I don't care to at all. I love her to death, I just don't want to "bang her" all the time anymore.

I wish I did, but now that I'm so close to her I can't see her in that "sexual way" anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I think she's beautiful, I just don't want to jump her and have hot sex anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):

A psychologist friend of mine advised me today that us the wives/girlfriend should take control, ask for sex in creative ways; send erotic instant messages to our partners, buy all the sexy lingerie you can and "literally pass by him" do your regular things... and not say a word (he'll do the rest supposably). Men cannot look at you in the eyes if you take off your blouse (and stay with your bra on) and try to have a serious conversation...right? I hope these things are usefull to you, good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

My husband is 33 and I am 23 turning 24 soon. We have been married less than a year and I have seen a drastic decline in the past few months in his sex drive. It is driving me insane and I give him a hard time about it sometimes.

Actually just before reading these posts we had our latest argument over this topic, because he didn't want to get intimate, and he went to watch tv. We are both each other's first and I was looking forward to a great sex life with him. Sometimes do it a few times a week and sometimes a lot less but I am just amazed at how hungry he was before marriage and how uninterested he is now.

He finds me very attractive and desires me but he just says things like "my back hurts", or "we cant always be in the mood at the same time". He thinks I don't understand this, I have a very high sex drive and am willing to suffer a little but sometimes it's too much. We know that the other masturbates and I told him maybe thats why he is not as interested in having sex, that he doesn't feel a need for it.

We are practicing natural birth control by him not releasing inside because we want to wait a little before having kids. He says that this is one reason why he doesn't want to do it. I am not sure if this is an excuse or not.

We talk about his weight issue a lot and he knows I am very adamant about him loosing weight. Maybe this is the reason.

I just wish things weren't so complicated. And that we could enjoy each other in this intimate way.

We have a great life together and are very comforterable financially, he was between jobs for 7 months and this was bothering him because he was bored, for the most part we are happy but this is causing me to get depressed, frustrated, and frankly upset.

I wish I could understand and that this wasn't the case.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008):

I am a 26 yr female and engaged to my 34 yr man. We have known each other for 10yr but have been together for 5.He has recently been suffering from a very low sex drive compared to what it used to be. This decrease has made me look up this website today. However what I do not understand is his need to look at porn on the internet (which we used to have fun doing together) and hide it from me if he has lost his sex drive. I am by no means ugly and think that I am quite attractive. He aslo says that it is not me just him. How can I stop thinking about it all the time?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008):


ive been with my wife 9 years now. for around 6 years our sex life was amazing but once we had kids her sex drive just went. i mena gone nothing. yes we have had sex many times ofver the years sence we had kids weve tryed every sort of kink toy drug you name it but nothing have got her her sex drive back. its driveing her mad and im not happy about it myself. the thing is she has no erge for sex but if we go to bed and i spend like 1hr of massage head rubbing foot rubbing on her then just without saying anything mount her (yes i know it sounds bad but this is the term she herself uses) and screw her she getts really into and we have gr8 sex for a hr or so. btu as soon as that over we go back to the same no sex drive from her no wont at all i just dont know what to do now. weve talked and both see theres a problem but shes at a loss of what to do so am i and the doctors arnt intrested. so where does that leave us. it leaves her feeling like crap because she upseting me and it leaves me feeling bad for even wonting sex.

does anyone have any idears ? id like to hear from you all

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008):

oh my god I have the same problem. we have been married for 11 years great marraige but no sex. it only gets worse.(I am 35 5 2" 110pds blonde hair, blue eyes and I can still get the hottest guy in the room.) at first it was only days then it went to a week then months and months. now its been so long i have no idea how long its really been. I know he nots cheeting we do everything together i mean everything! after you get turned down so much you say screw it and dont even try any more.I could go on and on about this but my hubby just walked in. all I can say is best of luck. all I we want is to well you know thats not alot to ask. p.s. I am starting to see why people have afairs.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007):


I am 44 (female)and my partner is 41. We are still living together as we own a house. We've been together 8 years. The whole time, he has hardly ever had any desire for sex. For me, I have felt more and more into my prime and also, I think, my body is screaming to have a baby, so the whole thing is biological as well as hormonal and behavioural. It is reassuring to read your comments as I am sick of hearing about its the man who always wants sex. Despite all sorts of nightmares and problems that we have gone through my urges do not go away. We will try a sex therapist as 2 other therapists haven't helped.. Nothing happens during the week, pigs would fly, and there may be one slot on a Sunday morning if I'm lucky. One year it happened only 3 times... I can't stand it for much longer. I want to wake up and make love, go to bed and make love, in the night etc. Why is it so impossible? It starts to turn you insane.. His testerone is normal accrdg to GP, I think I have it all... He has some psychological probs I think from things he saw as a child and growing up. I pray we can get to the bottom of it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007):

i am male of 32. i have just this weekend had the same discusion with my girlfreind. i am not a sexaly active as i was when i was younger. but still enjoy it. when i am feeling horney i try it on with my girlfreing of 23 and sometimes get knoked back becase she is not in the mood. this is thrustrating and feel that i am getting knoked back. this affects my self a steam and makes me think i why do i bother then! so i have got in to the ruck of waiting for her to make the move. reacntly my girlfreind has lost her horneyness as she puts it. she used to be up for it all the time. but since she stared a new job she is so tired and stressed from it that i have noticed her sex drive going down. she even dosent even masterbate any more. we both work long hours. we have been to gether 2 years now and our sex life was flippin great. i just want that back now becase i dont want to lose her. she is a maising and i love her to bits.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007):

Its both discouraging and relieving to see that im not the only female in the world having this problem. Im not crying alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

WOW, I can't believe the number of people who seem to lose their sex drive in their 30s. My wife and I both got divorced from our first spouses in our 30s and we both had a really high sex drive. We've been together for 28 years and, although it has varied some over the years, it is still very high, like several times a week. However, there were times where we would slow down, like maybe 2 or 3 times a month. If I had to guess, I would guess that it averaged 2 or 3 times a week over the years. It was normally 2 or 3 times a day on the weekends when in our 30s.

I have read some discussion boards on Viagra and the other ED meds (just in case). There are men in their 70s that still have a high sex drive, but just need some help with the physical part. Most have wives of the same age that are just as interested.

Isn't low testosterone one of the main causes of low sex drive? Perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order to get tested for hormonal levels. I think that hormonal imbalance can be treated.

The sex drive can vary with stress and concerns over personal things. If a person is having a stressful period at work and loses their sex drive, it may cause them to worry that they are losing their sex drive and make the stress worse. A vicious circle. This happens with ED problems. A guy might have a problem getting an erection because he is stressed. He begins to worry that he has ED and that stresses him even more, making it even more difficult.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

i think that as men get older and they have been in a relationship for a few years that they lose the impetus to have sex. my husband says he loves me but sex is becoming less frequent. i dont worry about it any more just appreciate the sex when we have it. just be patient and dont have such high expectations.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007):

I'm a 46 year old man with the opposite problem. I have been married 20 years and have two teenage children. My libido is just as strong as it was in my youth. My wife (age 45), however, has no interest in sex.

She says she is too tired or blames the kids being around, but when pressed she will acknowledge that she really has no interest and is quite content to be that way.This is very frustrating for me.

She tells me she loves me and I am sure that she does. We get on well. Before the kids were born we had a healthy sex life, but that soon ended when the kids came along. We have talked a little about the issue, but the bottom line seems to be that I am expected to accept the position, which I do because I love her and wouldn't leave.

I can relate very easily to the other posts as I question whether my wife is still attracted to me. I know she still wants to live with me but it's like I am a friend and companion, but not a lover. She never wants to kiss passionately, often turning her head away. As the song goes, maybe it is "in her kiss" - the tell tale sign as to whether there is still a spark.

For the guys who have lost libido, try supplements from a health store. There are loads of things for lost libido. I take Ginkgo Biloba every day to assist mental awareness, but I am convinced it also puts lead in my pencil, and some studies have shown it to have an effect on libido. Read horny novels or watch sexy movies to put you in the mood.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007):

Hi, I'm a 26 year old male. I've been married for 4 years to a beautiful lady who's 30. Since I turned 26 I've completely lost my sex drive - even stopped masturbating. I used to like to have sex four or five times a week - now it's once a month. It's so strange. My wife really hates it, she thinks I dont think she's sexy. I'm really dissapointed in women - there must have been over 200 times in the last 7 years she's said no because she's not in the mood. I've literally done it 5 times and she over reacts.

I feel sorry for all women in this situation, but it's not you!!! For a guy to loose his sex drive there is something wrong, women should realise how rare it is and also how worrying it is for the guy too.

Personally I think it's work stress that's causing the problem. I recently swtiched to a high pressure sales job. I used to notice a surge in my sex drive at weekends when I'm most relaxed, but even this has gone now. I'm sure it will come back at some point, for my wife's sake more than mine.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2007):

I wish I could lose my sex drive but there is no info on how to do that. Its not doing me any good and what's the point.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007):

I'm 39 and my husband will be turning 37 in a few months. My husband is having those same "problems". It is also messing with my head thinking what didi I do or didn't do.. I have tried initiated sex and got told I was overbearing. I don't think I have ever had anything hurt my feelings any worse than that did. We have been maarried for 15 years and we havew never had problems in that area before. And the way things stand right now I don't think my husband will eever want it again. I feel so unattractive lately that all I want to do is cry..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

I have a question, Im a 27 year old male and my question is why is it when Im with my wife and were making love, half ways through I lose my disire? Its odd cause she thinks she not pleasing me but I know it has to do something with me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007):

Wow, I can't believe that in the year 2007 we haven't figured this out yet. I am a man of 31, married, and in my youth i had a ravenous sex drive to the point of almost being destructive. Now my sex drive is basically zero. I had a hard time admitting it at first, then after admitting it, I had an even harder time figuring out why. But i think after hours of reading and talking with other men and women, I think I have it. And its not news.

Here it is, although both men and women reach sexual maturity in thier teens physiologically, pyschologically Men reach sexual maturity in thier teens and women reach it in thier 30's. This massive difference of sex drive is even further insulted by the fact that most women find older men attractive and secure.

Perhaps it is just the greatest of ironys that men spend thier whole teens and 20's being told no, no, no...and then when they reach thier 30's and 40's they have to tell their wives or gfs no, no, no. But, i would like to point out that in both instances, the men feel at fault. Ashamed that our high sex drive will lead to rape, or our low sex drive will lead to our partner having an affair.

Its a lose/lose situation that I have yet to find an answer for. The only thing i can say for the wives is: Think of how many times in your life you denied sex because you weren't in the mood. Then ask yourself, now that I am on the recieving end, it doesn't feel so good does it? That's not a hit at women, its just the unfortunate truth of the situation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007):

i know how you feel, I wouldnt have found this article if i wasnt up looking for answers,my husband is 42 and im 31, we have been together for 10 years(with ups and downs) I have started graving sex more since I entered my thirties, and my husband has lost his sex drive. I does a real number on your head! when you see other men looking at you,but the one you long for doesnt desire sex. at first I thought he was cheating on me, but that wasnt it, then I thought maybe he just wasnt attracted to me any more, He has never had a problem getting erect, theres just no drive. tonight he came to me said that he just felt fat and not sexy, well there you go. maybe we are just putting to much presser on them to perform. Im in my prime and hes just primed out. I think its just a hormone thing. if you figure it out let me know!@ (filly)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007):

i have been with my husband for nine years, he has never had a very high sex drive but over the past year or so he has completely lost interest in sex. i can fully understand what you are going through as i know i have felt unwanted and unloved. i have tried everything including buying sexy underwear to get him in the mood i was unsucessful. i would suggest talking to someone such as the gp about the loss of libido as this is what i am encouraging my husband to do. it is so hurtful when your partner doesnt wat you sexually and i sympathise with you totally.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007):

My partner and I are going through the same thing at the moment he is 35 and we have together for 2 and half years. its been going on for over a year now and i know how you feel as its doing my head in. It realy does make you feel awful that they dont want you that way. My partner has agreed to see a sex therapist as its doing his head in too. I think you should speak to your partner and tel him how its making you feel tel him its hurting you. Look on the BASRT website and there are loads of therapist that cover this some are expensive but the one we are seeing she is a lot cheaper. Some people have told me to egnore it its nice that he dont want it all the time and he wants to spend time with you, but im with you on this. Good luck and i hope it works out for you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2005):

Hi, I'm the same way. I'm 36. I have had sex numerous times in my life. It's nothing new to me and is by far the least important thing in my relationships. It gets old after a while. I think the mistake you're making is that you are not allowing him to get naturally horned out. You can't force sex on someone if they don't want it. Let him come to you when he gets the urge.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2005):

Being a man at 31 years old I can tell you that I am in the same position as your man. I can tell you that it most likely has nothing to do with you, nor is it anything that you're doing wrong.

I too have lost my sex drive and don't need it as often as I have. My G/F had concerns as well and it began to place hardships on our relationship.

The reason why I have lost my sex drive is for personal reasons. I don't feel as fit as I use to. I think of myself as overweight or unattractive. Perhaps he is feeling the same, Unattractive? Or maybe he feels as if you are not at all satisfied? Or too pressured to make you feel satisfied.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2005):

This is going to sound like," yeah right" but not all men feel a great need for sex. To some men less often is perfectly normal. It could also be that since you have been together for 2 years he feels comfortable in the relationship and doesn`t need to try to impress you with how often he can do the deed. There is what's known as a honeymoon period in all relationships where to start it's all go, then things slowly seem to fizzle out a bit.

I think that you just have a guy who doen`t believe that sex is everything in a relationship and if the relationship is good in all other areas then you have more than some. Try to relax and don`t feel awkward initiating sex. Sometimes women need to take the lead role.

You could ask him (if it like once a month or longer)if you could maybe share the closeness and be intimate just a little more often but he may just be a very secure person who doesn`t feel he needs to perform and brag about it.If the quality is there then that is more important.

I hope this can be of some help to you.

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