A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm at a rather hard turning point in my relationship. We split up for reasons that can be easily fixed with some counseling and a lot of work. However, how we go forward from here hinges on whether I can provide her with the future that she dreams of.All she really wants from life is to have kids and start a family. She would make a great mom and I'm fairly sure I would be a pretty dedicated father but I have just never seen myself in that role. For some reason thoughts of starting a family have really never factored into who I am and I have always shied away from the idea.However, now that I really start thinking about it, I'm no longer sure that my "fear" of the commitment is well justified, it's simply a feeling. Therefor, I now have to figure out for myself if this is what I want for my life. I really have no grand plan for my future and never have. I have always just appreciated my "freedom" to do whatever I want and go anywhere I want whenever I want. I've been clinging to that freedom for reasons I don't really understand. Not that I ever really used that freedom to do anything in particular. And besides, who says you can't have adventures because you have kids?Anyway, I'm just really confused right now and I'm not even sure if I'm talking myself into being ok with the idea of kids just to hang onto my girlfriend or if I'm actually at the point where I need to grow up.Any thoughts on how I can approach this introspection or even thoughts on what having kids means to you would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Hi, first of all I appreciate how you feel and at 33 feel the same, fortunately my partner does too, we know we would be good parents but have not reached a decision. However had he felt strongly about it, I can imagine just how you might be feeling and out of the two of us he might find it the easiest to have children even though I would be very devoted as a parent, I only have another year or so to really make a decision about whether to factor children in or not.
I suggest that the two of you make a dedicated and creative approach to this, bear in mind your gf may find the idea of having kids much easier so ask her to bear with you - do tell her you are seriously conisdering the idea and ask her if she would comit to a brief trial run, ask her to respect that it is natural that some people find it a little easier to imagine a family than others and that it doesn't mean you do not lover her or like the ida, spend time with kids in your family or offer to babysit your friends kids or even pets for the weekend to give them some time off, try and see if this initiates any imagination of what it will be like to have children together.
It sounds to me that you need to go through an exersize like this before you can make an informed decision - this is perfectly okay - I have seen some woman get quite pushy about having kids! It is not always the best thing, having said that their relationships and marriages are quite happy once the children arrive and sometimes the guy just needed the push, I guess it is different for everyone.
If you are happy to support her through having children then that's a good start.
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