A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, my wife and I have been married for thirteen years now. We were married when we were 24. we have three children together 13,11 and 6. I love my wife dearly and have only ever wanted to be with her and my children.There have never been any infidelity problems that I know of although I have a tendency to be far too jealous. about a year and a half ago my wife went away for the weekend with my girls and when she came home she immediatly went on the attack that she wasnt happy any more and that it was because i dont do enough around the house and that I dont treat her with respect. I was very surprised to hear that because I have always been the one to be quiet and take the yelling when she is upset.I have since seen a councelor even though she would not come. She says she loves me and allways will but she doesnt see a future for our marriage and doesnt know if she wants to work on fixing it.The other day she was invited to a work barbeque and told me it was only for staff. Later I found out that she was lying to me because she wanted to go on her own she claimed it was because the people that were going to be there dont have kids and she thought that three children might have been too much but im pretty sure she just didnt want me there. This hurt me very much and we had a huge fight about it. i have been tearing my heart out for a year now trying to do everything i can to show her i want her in my life. I now do all the housecleaning and most of the cooking as well as cooking and I never get any sort of affection from her I try to hug her and she will pull away I tell her i love her and i get nothing in return. I finally had enough and when we were fighting i packed a bag and left she told me not to be stupid and to stay and i told her if she told me she loved me i would stay , but she couldnt even do that.I left only to come back a while later i realized I love her and my children too much to just leave like that. I am very hurt and I dont know if we will get through this based on the fact that she doesnt seem to want to work on our relationship. Am i just being stupid for staying? will my children really suffer too much if i leave? my biggest fears are that i will end up alone as 36 is pretty old for meeting new people and my other fear is my children will hate me if I leave. I still love my wife but she treats me horribly to the point where even my oldest daughter has noticed and made comments to me from time to time.As have our friends , my family and her mom.Also we barely make ends meet as it is and i am not sure if its fair to put the kids into a very financially hard situation just to try and start over for me , wouldnt that be selfish of me ? any advice would be helpful everyday is killing me inside thanks in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Hi....sorry to hear about the problems!
Firstly, i think you have behaved well and obviously are devoted to your children. Unfortunately, it takes two to make a relationship work.
I also think it does sound as though your wifes head has been turned by somebody or something.
In my opinion you did the right thing by leaving - it sounds as though it is becoming very destructive for the children and has the potential to scar them for life. Talk with the kids and explain why you are leaving, they have already noticed as you have said.
You are 36, which isnt old! You have a life to lead too, and can still achieve your dreams with somebody else! Its easier to meet people now than ever before with the internet!
But for now, think of yourself and your kids and the effect a destructive relationship has on you both....
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): I admire you for wanting to make the best home possible for your children -- that's what it's all about, in the end.
You say there aren't questions of infidelity. Fair enough, but honestly, what you've written doesn't otherwise make sense. Of course we're only getting your side of the story. But really, if you're making that kind of contribution to the home, then your wife's actions only make sense if she's moved on to someone else.
My suggestion: first, quietly, without your wife knowing, consult with a divorce attorney. Find out what your financial obligations are in the event of a divorce, and what if anything you need to do to safeguard the minimum of assets you might be entitled to. For example, if you have an RRSP that would go to her, consider having it go to a trust for the children instead. If you have assets that you brought into the marriage that you might be able to hold on to. That kind of thing.
I'm suggesting that only because there are men out there like you who have been completly taken to the cleaners when their wives signed up a barracuda divorce lawyer. *If* this has the potential to go bad, you need to cover your ass.
Having done that, and assuming you want to save the marriage, you must seek counselling. Ideally it will be joint counselling, but if she won't agree, then go by yourself. There is more to this story, and you have to flesh it out.
You might want to consider hiring a private detective to find out if she's having an affair.
I completely understand that you want your kids to grow up in an intact home. And maybe you'll decide to put up with all this stuff to have that happen. That's your choice, it it would be a very honourable one.
But the way you've described things, it would be reasonable for you to explore alternatives, such as divorce with custody. You have to make that choice. FWIW, it sounds like you might have to man up and confront her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Shame man i knw exactly what u r going thru, yo wife has gotten used to u dat she may feel bored therefor not realising jst wat a gud man she has! Women sometimes would even risk a good healthy relationship jst 2 have some fun or a few moments pleasure! Mine did d same thing a few months ago n d only solution is 2 think dat she knws dat! jst be who u wer wen yal 1st started dating! hope this helps u, it did 4 me!
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