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anonymous
writes: my boyfriend keeps going to jail we love each other and the problem isn't waiting i waited b4 do you think he can change? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 January 2005):
 Hi there,That depends. Has he tried to change his ways, or even said that he was unhappy with the way his life is going? Has he made efforts to change in the past? Was he ever successful at changing for any amount of time? Is he trying to get help to find more constructive ways to behave?If you're waiting around for things to get better, but your b/f isn't even making an effort, then, No. He won't change. Furthermore, if you're sticking around, swearing that you love him to bits, and hoping that he'll change for the better if you just show him you "love him enough", you'll also be disappointed. (If you ever catch yourself saying or thinking "No one knows him the way I do. I love him so much that he'll want to change for me" that's a big danger sign. It means you're deluding yourself.) In general - with humans - what you see is pretty much what you get. Most people don't make major changes to the way they live once their personal pattern is established. Slobby people remain generally unkempt. Uptight, anal-retentive types stay tightly-laced. Spendthrifts keep maxing out the Visa card. (Some people do make small adjustments for people they love, like slobs picking up their underwear once in a while, but you'd be wrong to go into a relationship expecting it.)If he's truly made an effort to change his ways and is showing actual, sincere remorse that he's caused people grief by his acts, then you can help him by standing with him, showing you love him, supporting his decision to change and helping him find the professional support he will need to go straight.But unless your b/f is genuinely sorry for his criminal behaviours and wants to change and is looking for ways to unlearn them, I wouldn't bet on it.Now, I suspect that your b/f really isn't trying to change; otherwise, you wouldn't have written that you've "waited before". Why would you want to wait for someone with so little regard for the law? Someone who consistantly flouts the law - and who commits crimes serious enough to warrant jail time - isn't going to be very respectful of people, generally, which means you, your family and friends and everyone else in your community all mean nothing to him. The law, after all, exists to make sure every person is protected. If he doesn't care about the law, then it stands to reason he doesn't care about the pperson you want around as a role model for your kids? My suggestion to you is not to wait around hoping that your love will change him. You should cut this man loose until he proves that he's sorry for committing crimes and ready to treat you and everyone else with due respect. If that happens, then give some thought to taking up with him again.
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