A
male
age
41-50,
*olordrops
writes:I ended a relationship with a women after two years. She abused me verbally, and in the end I found out she had a second boyfriend almost the entire length of our relationship. I would have broken up with her sooner, because she was quite shallow and mean, but she was amazingly beautiful, so I was weak and overlooked her character flaws.Anyway, the pendulum swung the other way, and I dated another girl, a tomboy of sorts, for two months. Her personality is brilliant, perhaps the coolest girl I've ever dated (I'm 34). But I just broke up with her yesterday morning. I have no physical attraction whatsoever to her. She's not really physically unattractive, but she dresses like a boy and doesn't wear make-up, and she's very passive in bed. I've been in relationships before where I wasn't physically attracted, and tried to change things, but it never worked, so I decided to end it. I can't go through the rest of my life without attraction.But now I'm having massive anxiety that I made a big mistake, because I miss her so much already. I enjoyed being with her more than any of my best friends. We think alike and like the same things. I don't know what to do. I asked if we could remain friends, but she doesn't think so. Is this just a loss that I have to suffer, or is there some way to generate physical attraction? I feel so sick and shallow that this is what is ending my relationship...
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (20 November 2008):
Physical attraction is a huge part of romantic relationships. I don't think that you are shallow for ending things because you didn't feel that. If you had felt it once but then it faded, then I'd say it might be possible to get it back. But you can't create something that didn't exist in the first place.
That being said, you also need to be careful of letting it be the only thing holding a relationship together. It sounds to me like you swung from one side of the pendulum to the other. This latest girl filled a need you had been missing for 2 years. I find I've done that as well -- what is missing in one relationship I usually find I seek out in the next.
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