A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i have just read an email in my out box by my boyfriend to a woman he works with.In it he says that he was very much in love with a woman who was married, she left her husband to be with him only to leave him weeks later saying she was needed at home. He goes on to say that he got a card from her through the post saying she is sorry how long its taking her to leave for good. he then says that he got out her picture to remind himself never to meet anyone else. worst is to come... he then wrote, that i was 'just a rebound thing' but he likes me alot.Now the thing is he wrote that this happened in november last year, but i know that it did not happen, we were together almost each day, and the few days i did not see him he was ringing.I have tried work out why he would write such a thing to a work colleague but i come to no conclusions, i am 100% sure its lies.I am going to ask him when he is here on thursday face to face why he wrote it, but till then its driving me nuts.anybody have any ideas? we have been together almost two years. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 “I have tried work out why he would write such a thing to a work colleague but i come to no conclusions, i am 100% sure its lies.” Well, I have three guesses:1. The woman he works with, to whom he sent the e-mail, is going through a troubling time like the situation described in the e-mail, and he made up the story to comfort her, so she would think she is not the only one in such a situation. This explanation puts you boyfriend in the best light, but I think it is the least likely to be true.2. It is a fantasy he has, and he is trying to making it more real, partially living it out by telling it to someone else. Men have fantasies (woman too?) of a lot of things for a lot of reasons. Some men try to fulfill fantasies, and some try to live out parts of them (post on line as a made up person, dress up and go to conventions and other events, play in fantasy sports leagues, read stories about the fantasy, watch porn about it or call phone sex lines, etc.) Not sure what the fantasy could be, but most men feel they have a right to keep some fantasies private.3. He is trying to cheat with the woman colleague, and he thinks this will get her interested.“I am going to ask him when he is here on thursday face to face why he wrote it,…”Tread carefully here. Don’t let it degrade into an argument or let him change the subject (“you had no business reading my e-mail…”) Don’t try to unduly embarrass or degrade him. Calmly state the basic facts (no too many details) and tell him how you feel about it. Something like: “I found this e-mail in my out box (show him the e-mail.) If you wrote it to hurt me you succeeded. I have a right to know if you have or are planning to cheat on me. If not, I want an explanation of this. I found out a few more things about this that I have not told you, to determine if you lie to me now. I want to trust you and this is your opportunity to make it easy for me to trust you. “When\if he starts talking, gently encourage him. Don’t ask leading questions (don’t say “So it is a fantasy.”) He may not want to tell you anything about this, for very different reasons: he IS cheating, he is embarrassed, he wants to keep his fantasy private, etc. I suspect how you feel about this depends on what it is really all about. After he finishes talking, tell him you need some time to process what he said and decide how you feel about it (also if you believe him.) When you decide, tell him simply, without opening things up again. Something like “I understand and am OK with it.” Or “Hit the road, you cheating dog.” Or whatever you feel.Good luck and hope this helps.
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