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female
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*ands
writes: How do I forgive my boyfriend for deception, but still make him know he can never do it again? My boyfriend lied to me about something major (not just a little lie). There are parts of our relationship that are wonderful and I'm willing to give it another try. But I don't want to just forgive him and make him think he can get away with things like this. How can I punish/warn him to the extent that he'll know I'm serious. Would making him give a public apology to his friends (who were unwittingly involved) be the answer? Please help. Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mishappy  +, writes (27 April 2013):
To every action there is an equal and opposing reaction - Law of Physics.
He gained from his deception - you lost. This is an unbalanced act which needs correcting. How? If you care for him you correct him lovingly and firmly as a mother would her child. If you don't care for him, he should get the appropriate consequences of an adult. "Equal and opposite" your response must have the same consequences for him as his had for you. This is the law of nature.
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female
reader, fola  +, writes (28 September 2010):
by ignoring all the things he does to offend you..trust me it works for me all the time.just act like they do not even bother you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): We're not talking about a errant, spoiled little boy here, hun. This is your partner and equal and he broke the boundries of trust and respect by "lying to you". You can't change him-you can only change yourself. Your only job now is to become stronger and take loving, great care of yourself. He is accountable for his actions but you don't punish him. He has to make the clear cut choice & huge effort to prove to you he's a person of integrity and will never disrespect you & this relationships again. If he doesn't-you take care of you and decide if you want to remain in this relationship. I think you fully realize he didnt act the way a good boyfriend would, so give yourself permission to NOT settle for scraps of truth and lies. Love and deceit just don't exist side by side. If you love yourself, which is the main place you have to be able to get love from, you don't allow someone to treat you badly. You don't conciously choose to be with someone who does that. You know that you are worth more than that, that you deserve better. If you believe otherwise, then that is what you will create coming to you in your life. But if you love him and want to give him another chance-then let this go, forgive and carry on in this relationship. Be cautious though-you may be seeting yourself up for more future hurt. If you and he have talked this out over and over again..that's all you can do. He knows your stand on deceit and let's hope he learned from this experience. Good luck
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): He doesn't need to be "punished." If he can't accept the responsibility for his actions when you tell him, "John, when X happened, I felt Y," then he's probably not a keeper.
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female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (13 September 2005):
My advice to you would be to look at this from a different perspective. Instead of you "punishing him for his deception" think of this as "he needs to accept responibility for his choice (deception) and find that there are consequences to his actions".
Simple is the best way. Forget public humiliation. Tell him straight that his actions are going to affect your relationship and it will take time for him to earn back your trust, but that you are willing to give him that chance beciase you love him so much. Tell him not to mistake your kindness for weakness, and that things will not be the same again but they can be better if he shows that he can be trustworthy. Then follow through. Good luck!
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