A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of three years does not let me initiate sex.Our sex life used to be ok but in the past year he never will have sex with me if I initiate it. we still sometimes have sex but only if he is the one to start it. I have tried everything I can think of from sexy messages and lingere to just cuddling or not talking about sex at all. I am 110 pounds and reasonably good looking. I haven't gained weight or changed in my appearance.What makes it the most hurtful is that if I suggest it or try to initiate something then he will become very angry and refuse to even be near me, so we cant even be close instead. He will often leave the house in a rage if I try. I am feeling very down about this. We have tried to discuss this but he says its not true and says he doesn't care how I feel when I say I would like to share how I am feeling. I know for a fact that he has not had sex with me/ been initmate with me when I initiate it for a year now but he refuses to accept this. Does this sound like a control issue? we have sex when he wants it but he will often wait weeks to have it. help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Here's a thought: perhaps this isn't a clear-cut control issue...perhaps he was sexually abused or molested as a kid?
I say this only because I've dated someone with similar issues. He wasn't as angry as your partner seems, but he seemed to silently resent me if I initiated. When I wanted him, he was always uninterested...In fact it seemed the only times he wanted me was when I had been crying, or we had just gotten in an argument, or I was busy and uninterested in sex. Later on he admitted he'd been sexually abused by his father. I think he really only was interested in sex when he felt like he had the upper hand emotionally...he didn't seem to feel secure if someone else "wanted" him.
Your partner has a problem and it has nothing to do with your weight or your looks. The fact that he's in denial about it and get's so angry suggests he's got a sexual history he's just not dealing with. If he can't talk about his feelings in regards to sex or agree to getsome help, I would suggest you move on. I know what it's like to want someone and have to pretend that you don't. It sucks and it's not worth all the humiliation. I gave it a try, but decided not to live with it.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (28 December 2011):
 It could be a thousand things. It could be stress, naturally low libido, he could be a closeted homosexual. He might not be in love with you anymore. He might be suffering from ED or Low Testosterone. We cannot possibly guess at the myriad of possibilities you two are having issues with your sex lives right now.The thing is, your sex life with him is as much your responsibility as it is his. Since you are doing your utmost to try and repair it, it is his job to meet you halfway. Since he has refused to do that with you, he is failing in his relationship with you and his duty to you as your partner.Tell him that he WILL seek help, talk to a doctor, and get tested for diabetes, low testosterone, and other medical causes of his difficulties. Barring all these possibilities, he needs to seek a psychiatrist to rule out things like depression and anxiety, or other mental disorders or imbalances.If he refuses to seek help, you have two choices. You can stay in your relationship with him and continue to see more of the same, and continue to experience more unhappiness and unfullfillment, OR...you can get out of the relationship and seek happiness elsewhere, with another man that CAN give you the things that you need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Yeah it could be a control issue or it could be that he's just very selfish. Is he controlling in any other way?I'd be more concerned about this:"and says he doesn't care how I feel when I say I would like to share how I am feeling"Doesn't it bother you that he doesn't care about how you feel? I would talk to him again but by the sounds of it, he's not going to change. So decide whether or not you're happy to live with it.
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