A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a really great boyfriend. He is supportive, totally into me, very intelligent, comes from a great family, is loving, responsible, good looking, and the list goes on and on. When I have all of these qualities about him on my mind, I can’t help but think of what a great partner he is and I think I am really filled with love and admiration for him. Anyway, sometimes I get focused on what’s missing and I wonder if I am “settling.” Specifically, I have not felt the level of intense connection and physical chemistry with him that I have with some old flames of mine. I began dating him with the long term in mind and focused on his qualities as a partner more than on physical chemistry, but now I am starting to wonder if that was a bad decision. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no physical/romantic chemistry and 10 being the greatest I have experienced, I would give us a 6.5 to a 7. Is that enough?When I start thinking about chemistry, it interferes with my positive feelings about our relationship and I get on this downward spiral where I wonder if I am committing myself to the wrong person (we have talked about our long term goals, etc, and are open to a future with one another so I am always evaluating the relationship to make sure it feels “right”). Little personality differences will annoy me, ways he is different from the guys I felt “passionate” towards will start to concern me, and I will feel like there is something missing and I get very worried and distressed because I take this as a sign that I should break up with him.I go back and forth between feeling incredibly lucky and wondering if I should hold out for someone who has all of what he has AND for whom I feel more passion and chemistry (if that exists). He is the kind of guy that I would hope to end up married to, and it makes me feel immature in a way to worry about the chemistry so much because I DO enjoy his company ... but the chemistry is more subtle and less intense than I’ve had in the past (but notably with those guys it didn't get to the relationship stage). Objectively, I feel like breaking up would be something I will regret- perhaps the grass is greener now, but time will reveal the ugly truth and 5 years down the road I will be single, in my 30's, and looking for a guy that has all his good qualities and I won’t be able to find it again. I feel so confused when I get into this state of mind.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 December 2011):
 How long have you been dating?
Has your current relationship lasted longer, so far, than some of the previous ones?
You see, the initial intense, stars-in-the eyes dizzy feelings do inevitably lessen the more time you spend with someone as you get to know one another's less-attractive qualities and flaws - but if you can accept that flaws are part of being human, then that's when a deeper sort of love and commitment may become possible.
BUT being thrilled to see him, spend time cuddling togther, making love and enjoying each other's company should still be present! If it isn't it means that what you have is a good friendship rather than a potential husband - having said that, however, it's also true (and a good thing) when you start out as friends and find something deeper develops over time so that you're good friends AND good lovers!
You are no doubt aware of all this already, so I hope what I've written isn't further confusing you.
It sounds as if there is at least some chemistry present, however.
I'd say that if you have serious doubts, and/or see "red flags" you haven't really thought about, then you need to pay attention to these things.
Finally, keep in mind that it's fairly rare to have everthing in a relationship - not impossible, but doesn't always happen.
Ask yourself whether you could you be happy with less than a "ten"? No need to rush into a decision: just be willing to patiently "sit" with all this and see what emerges.
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