A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, help me find my sanity and put this little mellodrama into perspective. I'm a grounded, confident, 30 something that has always had a solid steady dating life, and while I haven't found the one, I take the ups and downs in stride. I know I'm not special, but I'm in one of those relationships that really throws you for a loop, and has you trying to figure out if you're coming or going, and I need some solid objective perspective to set me straight so I can have a little peace. I met and began dating a guy that I met at the gym 2 1/2 months ago. We have the most amazing chemistry I've ever experienced and share common lifestyle habits (working out, work schedules, etc...) About 2 weeks in, he shares with me that he's still in love with his ex gf of about a year and a half and that they only broke up about a month or so before we began dating. He assures me they're done. I wasn't thrilled to find this out, but continued to spend time with him. In the interest of giving him space to deal with that, I have, for the most part, allowed him to set the cadence of how often we see one another (usually 2 times a week) I don't initiate calls/texts, but I'm responsive and enthusiastic when he initiates plans. He's consistent and contacts me at least once a day, he's attentive to me when we're spending time together, we have real dates that are more than sex (concerts, long days of bike riding, dinner, etc...) The problem is that while he's said I'm the only person he's dating/sleeping with, he does not wish to be in a bf/gf relationship. He keeps his walls WAY up and while we have very tender cozy cuddling moments, if I so much as express missing him or anything too affectionate, he'll deflect and want to keep things superficial to keep me out. I've discussed this with him, he admits it, and says he's just not ready to "give in and be in another relationship" and he's definately not over the last one. He is aware that I have growing feelings for him and he says that he doesn't want to hurt me and when I tell him I'm considering leaving before it gets more complicated, he tells me he doesn't want to see me go. I'm not obsessed with titles here, but my concern is that I don't want to continue to have feellings with someone who doesn't feel the same and he refuses to tell me if this relationship even has the potential to grow, and just says he doesn't know what he wants and needs time. I don't want to make a hasty decision and I want to be compassionate and patient with him. That being said, I don't want to be anyone's fool. I'm officially at the cross roads of where this has become unhealthy for me, but I'd like to leave with some peace of mind or feel good about staying. Has anyone been in the position of this guy and met someone they have feelings toward, but are still working through the aftermath of their last relationship? Should I just woman up, get a new gym membership and high tail it out of this madness?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): ok rite he says he does not know what he wants but if u want to be with him, u could try and show him that getting over his ex and being with u is better for him. living in the past is a mind bender trust me i know and its hard for him to choose what to do next, sooner or later he will choose sumthing though i cant decide or will ever know what he does choose hopefully he'll choose u but u probably need to tell him how or show him what this is doin to you. i think u need to make youre feelings known otherwise this could end up hurting u. please be carefull
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
 This dude has some leftover emotional baggage that only he can deal with and put behind him. He's def into u in the dating/relationship sense however his whole heart isnt into it. Do u really want to wait for him to get over it? I give him props for keeping u from being the rebound, no one wants that either. Like, he's stressed he needs time to get over it and who knows how long that may take. I would just come at him with a logical approach, explain ur feelings, its not fair for u to be kept at bay, if he ever takes care of his emotional baggage then it could be something more for u, u are at the age where u need commitment. For now keep it as friends, and go on to do some more dating. Dont settle for less than u want!
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