A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isn't a problem as such - I'm just wondering about the phases of relationships really. For example, I'm living with my boyfriend of a year and a half. And I've noticed recently - he tells me he loves me twice a day these days whereas beforehand it was maybe every couple of days. Now we were having a few arguments up until then but we've communicated and sorted that out. I'm just wondering is it a known relationship phase? Ie: the lust/attraction phase or the power struggle phase etc Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Geta  +, writes (21 January 2014):
There are no such things as phases if you both are as well as lovers. It is important to keep heightening both and to invest in friendship and loving, and not just physical. Being affectionate is contagious and the best way is never to focus on how much are you getting in return but how much more you can give. A relationship where a monogamous, trusting and loving couple is focused on giving to one another is what will maintain it, nourish it and continue it. So it is ok that you are counting how many "I love yous" you are now getting but focusing on giving back is something your growing relationship needs. Reciprocate, therefore. Be romantic, plan for both of you and deepen the affection.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): There's no such thing as a "power struggle" phase in a good relationship. Think of the close friendships you have, there was never a power struggle in those, well a relationship is just a variation of a friendship with romance and sex. Good ones go the same way. Of course you can fall out like you can with friends but just like good friends they're easy resolved and never have any lingering bitterness.
In my experience in a healthy monogamous relationship there are generally two phases, the honeymoon period and the comfort period. The honeymoon period is the lust and dreamland phase at the start that lasts anywhere between a year and 2 years, although I've seen that fizzle out after months too. That is the time where you don't truly know each other yet, both are still high on emotion and tend to be far more tolerant of annoying habits and personality differences, sex is usually more frequent, passionate and arguments are easier to resolve because neither really want to put a strain on things.
The comfort period then is all the time after that and that's when you truly know when you work with someone. The initial passion dies down a bit, you feel less inclined to forgive annoying habits because the fear of losing that person is pretty much gone because you're more secure in the relationship and a clash of personalities really starts to shine through then because you've both stopped trying to impress each other.
To me it just sounds like you both took time to get used to living with each other it's nothing to do with a phase at all. OP moving in with a person can be quite difficult at the start. I know when me and my wife moved in together she was annoyed at some of my bachelor habits. Leaving underwear lying around in the bathroom or not putting on a t-shirt when people came over to visit etc. I wasn't too fond of her scented candles and covering our bedroom/bathroom walls with bullet point notes of her college course work. My head was filled with that stuff for years because it really does stick in your mind when you see that stuff every time you wake up.
None of those things bothered either of us too much to the point of massive blow outs or anything but it did take a little time for us to adapt to each other. I no longer leave my underwear lying around the bathroom. We now choose scented candles we both like the smell of now etc.
It might not even be that though for you and he though. The thing about living with a partner OP is that both your moods are completely linked. You may bicker a lot more if one of you is stressed and it can be very minor stress that's almost not noticeable but does have a difference. For example my mother in law is staying with us at the moment while she undergoes treatment for cancer, she's been with us a few months now and it's very tough. She's a lovely woman with a heart of gold and wicked sense of humour, and while I love having her here, it has made the house too busy for our liking (the reason she is with us because she wants privacy during her treatment). When my wife started telling her family they'd have to call her first and arrange times to visit some didn't like that and started stressing her out, which of course then affects me too. I resolved that then by taking charge of that stuff. My wife is no shrinking violet but it was becoming too much for to deal with her mothers illness and the bullshit her side of the family were giving her, they can't put shit on me like they do her because they're not my family and frankly when it comes to my wife I don't care who gets offended to keep her happy. Since then things have been a lot calmer, a lot less stress because they've backed off a lot now and stick to the rules I've set out.
My point is OP, phases like that aren't really a thing. There is no set formula, too many things have an effect on relationships. You might go through months of being loved up and floating on a cloud of bubbles to suddenly be bickering a lot about stupid crap because one or both of you is stressed. That's what people mean when they say ups and downs, we all have them. But it's all fine as long as you have a solid foundation and in general get along with each other. This for you could be a nice period when everything is going better than normal and maybe you'll go back to bickering again because that's how your personalities are, or it could be that you're finally settled into living with each other.
Only time will tell really.
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