A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a new relationship and find that my partner has a very low sex drive and I am pushing (sometimes I feel too hard) to get him excited. We have sex maybe once a week and the other night I asked him to take off his pants so I could have a better 'feel' and he told me not tonight. This happens too much and I am beginning to feel I am either too interested or not turning him on...if someone could help me out with comments or suggestions as to how to help my situation that would be fantastic.....(he is definitely not gay)
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male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (19 September 2009):
 It seems there are three types of reasons. 1. Emotional issues causing negative feeling towards sex. Could be one of many things like child sexual abuse, feeling of inferiority from past experiences, broken heart from past relationship, religion, gay (I know, I know). With these types of issues, you have to discover the heart of the problem in order to remedy it. It will take time for trust to be built in order for this type of information to come out. This requires patience and communication. 2. Just a natural mind set w/ a low sex drive which would make this person rare. You can try all the tradional things like sexy clothes, candlelight dinners, discovering hidden festishes etc. It will take time and patience. But, if this is natural inside of him, then there will only be so much you can do in which case you will have to ask yourself is your sex life good enough for you. But, who knows, you may discover a hidden fetish that awakens his sex drive (look up common fetishes and experiment.) 3. Doesn't have it for you and/or there's someone else. This will be determined sooner rather than later as the relationship will probalby not last. If so then screw him, you'll find someone else. Since you can not do much about the guy not having it for you, then you can only focus on the other things that could be the cause of this. Ideally, you would want to know his past dynamic with sex in relationships. Is it the same. You will probably have to beat around the bush to get this info, but if you can find this out, then it will explain a lot and help you determine if this is unique, temporary or common. Make the sexual experience you two have the best you can. As I can see, you are trying and that is good. Remember to be patient. Try to find the things he likes in sex (fetishes, positions, locations etc) and most important, give positive reinforcement of his performance. Kind, empathetic commuincation is the key.Don't push too hard, because if there is an emotional problem then he will likely flee. Focus on building the other aspects of the relationship up as these are the most sustaining anyway and the only way trust will be built.Good Luck
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