A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I (38 M) dated this girl (26) a few years back. I was infatuated with her at the beginning. As time progressed, our cultural and age difference began to emerge (I'm originally from Asia but lived in the west for 12 years; while she is a native Asian, but we don't really have any language barrier). While I felt safe, comfortable, relaxed and generally happy with her, I also felt some sort of void; that I was "giving" all the time and not growing/learning/gaining by being with her. After much consideration, I eventually told her how I felt and broke it off with her. It hurt very much for the both of us but I'm sure I really broke her heart. 2 year's passed. I went on several dates during this time, but nothing came close to what I had with her. I began missing her more and more. We reconnected recently, and after a few dinner dates, we're basically back together again. My concern now is... the same Pros and Cons are still there:Pro: I'm super comfortable being with her and so is she, we're both exactly who we are when we're together, it's total relaxation. Con: There are times when I feel empty because there are certain cultural or personal things that I feel like she doesn't get due to our age and cultural difference. I feel like for now, the Pro outweighs the Con. My friends tell me not to think too much and just enjoy my time with her and not to rush into any decision now. The problem with me is that I just don't know if she's "the one". I just want to know if any of you can have any advice. I really really like her and I don't want to hurt her ever again. After this pandemic I plan to do some traveling with her and see how compatible we are. I also think I need to adjust my mindset and stop thinking about dating someone "better", that I should just focus on settling down; I don't know for sure. Any opinion/advice is appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2020): love isn't always the great adventure; I mean you have tried greener grass only to find its quality wasn't even that of what you lost. And lets be honest your lucky to have a second chance, blow it this time there maybe no coming back.
I guess my question is " What is it, you want ?".
if you feel she doesn't get what you are meaning, cant you smile be understanding and explain it - communication is the key to any successful relationship, once the lust and hot desire fades a little you need to be able to talk, laugh and yes relax. Cant you find something that you both love doing, cooking, painting, etc .
as without common ground this relationship will ebb as you will be left feeling there is something more - so take that energy and put it where it belongs into building something secure and belongs and fits for you both
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (31 July 2020):
 Anyone who falls in love is taking a chance. Nothing and no one is a sure thing when love is involved. You can marry the "perfect" person and 3 years later they could turn into someone you barely know. Love/marriage is always a gamble to a certain degree.
I speak from experience. I married my "price charming". I was damn careful too. I had been in a disasterous 1st marriage and didn't want to make a mistake again. I chose wisely carefully taking into consideration every little thing that I could. Yes I did love him but I wanted so desperately not to make a mistake again because I now had a small child to consider. My prospective husband was good looking, kind, grounded, 9 years older than me, great job had been at it for years, great family, money in the bank, kind to my daughter. He offered me security, love, a beautiful new state to move to with sunshine. I married him and we were very happy ( I thought) for almost 12 years. Then it all fell apart. I found out he had cheated on me, he has done unspeakable things to my daughter, he was a liar beyond liars, and he became an abusive alcoholic. NO ONE seen it in him. His family thought he was the "perfect child". I could not have known. The perfect man I married was an image that he had somehow managed to keep standing all the while the real man was a monster.
Be smart make logical decisions but be kind. You have already hurt this woman once. Talk to her. Learn to know each other. No matter what you do, you will be taking a chance because that's just how love and life are. Some things in life you can't know and can't control. Take it from someone who has been there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2020): I meant to say:
"You're wise and mature enough to know that you shouldn't make rash or on-the-spot decisions; you must carefully evaluate and assess the durability of all conditions conducive to creating a relationship."
There is no "relationship" at this point; but you are testing the possibilities. Be reminded that you are on equal-footing in this respect; regardless of the age-difference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2020): You need to stop "analyzing" your romantic-pursuit like a business-deal. That's overthinking; and to top it all off, it's impersonal. You're treating your emotional-connection to this young-woman like you're interviewing a candidate for a job. Not searching with your heart, and discerning how you both connect on different emotional-levels; which will have the potential to grow and create/maintain harmony. Your experience could prove beneficial to whatever kind of relationship you might establish; but your mindset and attitude could use some adjustment.
Not only will you have to synchronize intellectually; but the ties that bind come from what draws you to each other. This go-round, it's not about whether or not YOU can find someone "better." Are you good enough for her?
You're the one who displayed immaturity by breaking it off; so you could go out on your mission to see if you could do better. Then here you are trying to mend what you messed-up; because you realize you couldn't do better for trying! My friend, you are not a boomerang!
She is a rare and unusual person (perhaps naive) for even considering reconnecting with you. Then again, maybe she's just doing it for your sake; with no intention of taking it beyond the friend-zone. All is yet to be determined. Don't be so sure of yourself, that this is all up-to you! She has to totally re-evaluate; not depend on her previous impressions of you. Being an Asian-female, she will also have the objective-opinion and protection of her family. They will also influence her perception of you as a man; and how you will fit into their family-scheme. They might take the position of deciding whether you will stand in good-representation of their family. Vigilant and skeptical; they'll always be aware, anticipating the possibility you could break her heart again! Once bitten, twice shy! You didn't just hurt her, you hurt them for hurting her!
She is not a child. She may only be curious about your true motives; and not feeling entirely the same for you as she did before, my friend! Being a traveling-companion, or chaperone and whatever; can also be undertaken through friendship. With no romantic-intent at all! You're familiar, and she wouldn't mind you as a travel-buddy. Provided her parents and family-support system won't discourage her. They will always be working in the background; and they now know what you're capable of. They were there when you weren't! Two advantages she has now, that she didn't have back then. She is older now; and she knows what heartbreak feels like.
If she had written the post instead of you, I would have advised her to dismiss and avoid you altogether. It was quite arrogant of you to comeback after breaking her heart; as if you're "settling" for her, because you aren't sure whether you could "do better!" How dare you! You're talking about a person, not a thing! You've returned after causing her emotional-trauma. Picking-up where you left-off? You may have forgiven yourself, and fully dismissed your actions; but trust me, her parents and family haven't! I'm not one to educate you on how Asian-families work. Particularly, those that abide by tradition and old-world culture. You had better have something to bring to the table. A good-name and background!
My dad is of Greek-heritage, his paternal-grandfather was of Moroccan-decent. My mother is Indigenous Native-American, recognized of the Cherokee Nation. Yet both born on American soil! Now how far apart is that cultural-wise? He was also 10 years older than she was! You are both Asians of different persuasions; but your heritage has the same origins. Living in the west didn't change your DNA, it only changed your perspective. It's almost as though you're looking-down on her for being native-born and indigenous to your homeland. If you will be open-minded, and adapt to her culture; she can also adapt to yours. If she wants to!
It seems that you match where it matters most: "I'm super comfortable being with her and so is she, we're both exactly who we are when we're together, it's total relaxation." This would mean you are reasonably compatible.
Compatibility and trust is what holds relationships together. Noting that you separated under weird conditions; yet you were drawn-back together again. Although, you need to correct your method of operation this time-around. Treat her with the respect and dignity she deserves as a woman. Not subject to your approval. That goes both-ways!
You're wise and mature enough to know that you shouldn't make rash or on-the-spot decisions; you must carefully evaluate and access the durability of the relationship. Taking into account how it stands-up to challenges, obstacles, and the test of time. You're not taking a car for a test-run; you are discerning someone lovely to be your mate and match. Handled entirely under different principles from appraising someone you are hiring for employment. Make this more personal, and be compassionate towards her feelings. Also be respectful of her cultural-background. My dad had little choice, my mother and her family saw to it!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (31 July 2020):
Hi there. It sounds like you both have a few things in common, to be able to enjoy some good times together.
Regarding the cultural differences, it would be a great idea to sit down together and discuss what are the positive things in the relationship, and what are the negative things.
And with the things that she doesn't get about your culture, because you are not sure when you are doing or saying something that somehow offends her, that's where you need to get into some deep discussion - just to clarify things more.
Unless you do discuss what isn't working, you won't be able to change whatever behaviours that are confusing or insulting to her.
Sooner rather than later, would be wise.
The longer you leave it to discuss, the harder it will be to begin sort through.
Once you can sort out those issues, well then it will be much more smoother sailing.
And then, you will get a clearer picture of what a future together might look like.
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