A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old and have a serious boyfriend for the first time. My problem is that, I feel very guilty after being intimate with my boyfriend of 5 months. We are very sure that we do not want to have sex before marriage. But, we do kiss or indulge in heavy petting everytime we are alone(which is like once a week). It feels good at that moment, but later when I am by myself and think about it, I feel guilty and ashamed for having let go of myself and very often start crying uncontrollably. Initially, I assumed it could be because I have never been intimate with anyone before, but this feeling has not gone away at all. I am not religious or anything, but have always felt that unless I am very sure of the guy, I should not be physically intimate. I do love him a lot and I have'nt told him this since I do not want him to feel that he violated me in anyway. I don't know what to do... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (30 June 2009):
Your emotions are telling you that your actions are not consistent with some strongly-held values within you.If you are truly working toward making the "boyfriend of 5 months" into the "life-partner of 50 years" - and, very importantly, HE feels the same way - then this is a matter that MUST include him in the discussion. He is a significant part of the situation, and a significant part of the solution.I must commend you for feeling that physical and sexual intimacy is a very special part of a committed relationship, and it should be reserved for very significant, special people. You have also realized that there are degrees and levels of physical and sexual intimacy. Assuming that you and your B/F have similar views on this matter, it is important that you two work out between yourselves what is appropriate or inappropriate at various stages of your relationship. Even more important, you two must help each other respect and maintain those boundaries and adjust them as needed. Printing out this thread and showing it to him might be a way to start your discussion.That, of course, assumes that you and your B/F are in agreement and working together. If it is NOT a team effort, then you probably DO need some professional assistance to help you determine not only what is appropriate behavior, but whether you should even be pursuing this relationship.My wife and I took each other's virginity on our wedding night, but in the months leading up to that we developed a policy of "anything short of intercourse" in our lovemaking. She believes we went too far; I don't fully agree. It bothers her that I helped her to her first orgasm a few months before we were married, but that gave me the assurance that we would, indeed, have a very satisfying married sex life (and we have!).On the other hand, my daughter and her husband decided it was best if they refrained from even kissing before they were married. I was actually somewhat concerned that they showed almost no affection at all. I have no idea how they rate their sex life, but they have been married for over 4 years now, seem to be quite happy and stable, and have two kids (and a third just started).Those examples should show you that different couples set, and achieve, various goals for their physical intimacy. There are advantages and disadvantages (both pragmatic and personal) to any set of standards you adopt.
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (28 June 2009):
 You will need to talk to him, he will not feel he has violated you so don't worry. If you don't your distress will surface in the relationship itself which you don't want. Your concern probably needs the help of a professional therapist and you should see your doctor about this. Simple answers from friends will not help you get to the source of your guilt and unless you work out what is happening in your head your distress won't go away and might infact get worse by sabotaging your relationships.
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