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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear CupidPlease help!! I've asked about this problem before, but the plot just keeps on thickening...so here's my latest dilemma...(apologies for the lengthy nature, but please do read!)1) The Background------------------I fell in love with my next-door-neighbour at the beginning of this year. Long story but we were friends for several months (he pursued me from day 1); but after 3 months, a relationship blossommed.Sadly, the timing of this relationsip coincided with bad luck - he went away for Xmas to see his family (overseas), but fell ill with type 1 diabetes and nearly died. From that point, he was on a drip for a month...and is ok now, but has to live off insulin injections and a strict diet for the rest of his life; so has had to come to terms with this drastic lifestyle change.Whilst he was ill (abroad) we kept in touch, but he was undecided as to whether he would come back to the UK or stay in his country of origin with his family (a lot of family pressure not to return to UK).He visited every month, and it was then when our relationship fully developed (Jan 2006). Even though there was distance, we were in contact very often and were both openly loved up about each other. He always talked about coming back to the UK to be with me.3 months later (April 2006)...he stopped calling me and returning my calls and I NEVER heard from him again. I was sooooo devastated, shocked and surprised. I gave up trying to call him, and did my best to cut him out of my mind and heart. What else could I do? I was disgusted and seriously hurt about this way he'd treated me.In September 2006, I heard he had taken ill, whilst still living with his parents abroad. (I got the odd news about him as I remained friendly with his cousin). He had apparently collapsed on the street, hitting a stationary car, and was seriously injured. Even though we hadn't spoken for the last 6 months, I was so devastated that I had to call him. He nearly died.To my surprise, he answered this call - he was recovering at his parents' home. He went on to tell me that the reason he didn't speak to me or want to see me was because he had decided to stay in his parents' country, and couldn't face telling me, as I made it difficult for him to make that decision. He expressed that he considered living with me in the UK, but would have felt like a burden to me.I was shocked at this confession, and it made me realise that he did, after all, have feelings for me. At first, I was hoping there was still a chance for us, as I could feel his feelings for me as we spoke. And of course, all my feelings for him came back to the surface. After a few weeks, however, I decided that it was over and that I must forget him. I still found it difficult understanding why he cut me off, rather than just be straight with me - clearly I was still hurt.2) New Developments--------------------Well, that was that. Or so I thought....however, 2 weeks ago (early Oct 2006), he was visiting the UK for the weekend, and came round to see me. (His cousin did tell me he try to get him to visit me, as I had some mail for him....although I didn't expect to see him! His cousin knows how much I care for my ex, and I believe is playing cupid!)Again I was shocked that my ex did visit me. I did my best to just be his friend (as I know he dumped me!)...but he didn't make it easy. In fact, he was very sweet to me...and embraced me many times - we nearly kissed, but only didn't because I didn't allow it. His visit has upset me as I now don't know what to think. He may have cut me off, and then never made contact, but now his actions were definitely more than friendly. I'm so confused as I am so in love with him (still).Also, his cousin tells me that he is planning on returning to the UK. However, I did ask him this question when he visited me...he told me that he kept changing his mind, but would probably not come back. How confusing!!!?? I'm not sure what to think - maybe he has someone else...who knows?Can anyone give me any advice? What's more, I'm due to start a new job (in his country, outside the UK!)...we discussed meeting up over there.I just don't know whether to call him and see where it goes. I'm so tempted as I am crazily in love with him. Something about the way it feels whenever we are together - the most amazing feeling.But, given the way he acted in the past...I don't want to be made a fool of all over again. The thought of him hurting me like that again would totally destroy me. And I'm too scared to talk to him openly about he and I just yet, as I don't want to scare him off.Any suggestions? Anyone been with a man who treated them badly...but then came round?Please, please help.Thanks so muchxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): Just a suggestion, but sometimes people give up too soon on each other, and if you can get your courage up, you might want to stay in contact in the interim of when you start your new job, if you don't he may move on to someone else....maybe you could tell him how you feel, that you hope you can see him when you move...I don't really understand if when you do move to his country if you will still be long distance..Long distance relationships have their own difficulty. If you dated him before I would not worry so much about scaring him off, he knows you like/love him after all...but maybe he thinks it will just be too hard since you are apart, but tell him if you want to move where he is if things go well between the two of you--if that is what you want.
You may just want to start a dialogue too, about your experience with your parents and their diabetes, sometimes diabetics need to hear that you will not think they are a burden and that you won't play the role of nagging girlfriend, but would like to know what you can do to support him with his medication. or with food or insulin reactions..obviously he will need you to help him through insulin reactions, ask him to show you what to do.
Maybe you could suggest he find a local diabetes support group at his hospital so that he could learn some valuable tips on managing it, and also make a few friends that can really relate to him about it all....Excercise is important to a Type 1 Diabetic and a lot of them are afraid to excercise because they have to make adjustments with food and insulin, but it really helps offset some side effects of the illness, and helps to lower the amount and frequency of insulin injections which is always beneficial. If you like to ride a bike, suggest bike rides together, or whatever activity that gets you out and moving---great way to bond!
Anyway, I hope it works out, but if the whole situation does not make you happy, then I guess you might want to move on, but it sure sounds like you would like to keep things alive with him, and anything worth having is worth the risk of getting hurt, don't you think....what is the worst that can happen, you get over it, you pick yourself up and you go on and eventually you will find someone else.
I don't chat on msn, I just started recently on this site, kind of addictive, but I may not have much time for it later on...but if you want to drop me a line here you can contact me with a personal message to rhythmandblues2.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear RhythmandBlues,
Thanks so much for your reply. You have helped me a lot as my ex is the only type 1 diabetic I know - he was 27 when he fell ill with the condition.
Your experience that you write about your sister is helping me put things into perspective with my ex. Whilst I know a fair bit about living with a diabetic (both my mum and dad were type 2 diabetics), I've had no experience of someone with type 1, which of course is more severe, also given that it occurs during young ages of life. I've read a few books about the condition, when my ex was diagnosed, and I have always done my best to support him.
He's quite a stubborn guy however, and I can't say too much about his condition or he gets irritated. I think he is probably going through denial, as when I asked him how he was coping with the condition, he just told me that he doesn't think about it!
You are so right, as i am torn between giving him that chance and excusing his behaviour, as he was going through a vulnerable time with his illness - and torn between feeling like a mug and letting a guy treat you like crap!
But I do still love him. It just depends on what he feels for me, and his state of mind/health.
I was going to give up on him, but your feedback has allowed me to see things through another angle - so maybe once I have settled in my new job, I will call him. If he chooses to go cold turkey on me by then, then I guess that will be his prerogative.
By the way, do you happen to chat on msn? It would be great to let you know how things go (if they do go)...and would be a helpful insight into living with someone with this condition.
If there's anyone else who can provide some insight, I'd be very grateful!
Thanks again!
Pam x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): After reading your post I have a few thoughts for you, but really this decision can only be made by you, you know that.
I have some experience with this in a different context, my younger sister became a Type I diabetic at the age of 20, and has been living with it for years...Normally I would not think too highly of a guy who just disappears and doesn't return your calls, some people are like that when they are under stress, and I find it a particularly abhorant trait and one that is always repeated by the individul at some point, always.
However, in your case, I am not so sure, because he has gone through a major illness, and that does something to a person psychologically, and I don't think you can hold him responsible for doing that to you, and the fact that he is torn between staying in his home country and the UK is understandable because he is ill needs his doctor's care and the support of his family. Diabetes is a manageable illness, but it is one he can never escape, and he may be going through a depression over it or be in denial, and it will change his personality, it did change my sister's. She is much more obstinate, and reclusive than she used to be, and insulin reactions make her belligerent and even more obstinate and hard to deal with, but they are temporary but still very stressful.
I think he has given you an olive branch by his recent visit, and the fact that you have an opportunity to live in his country may give you a chance to have a viable relationship with this man. I think you might tell him that under no circumstances will you take him back again with another disappearing act as you value communication and friendship and trust and respect and that if he will treat you with that you will promise to treat him like a king..but that under the circumstances of his illness you will give it another go....and I would look at it as just that, you need to take time to see if you can live with him and with his illness. Learn all you can about it, and don't be in denial about diabetes yourself, he needs to take good care of himself and do the things he needs to do to manage his blood sugar, which may require MAJOR lifestyle changes on his part, and you need to support that by changing yourself, if you can't or won't, you aren't good for him either.
Let us kmow how it all works out, and good luck to you.
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