A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My 23 year old daughter has started a new relationship with a man from our small town who has a past history of violence. His ex girlfriend left him because he was abusive. He has been in jail for assault and has been in drug rehab for a cocaine addiction. I know that he has been to couciling for anger issues and has completed his drug program but I am still weary of my daughter getting involved with him. How can I show her that he may not be a changed man???
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female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (6 April 2009):
 There's a lot of postings here on abuse in a relationship. The thing with parents-children relationship is that one tends to do the opposite of one tells them to do. This goes both ways ;-)
I understand that you love your daughter very much. A mother's love is also the only true unconditional love that I am aware of. So, even though it may be hard for you, I'm afraid it is better to let her make her own choice. The only thing you can do to let her know that (a) you do worry about her, but that (b) it is her life that she is living, and that (c) you will be there whenever she needs you.
One thing that you can do is to do a small research on the net to educate yourself on abusive behaviour. Have a print out of the various articles and put them nicely in a folder, and put them on the coffee table or dining table, for easy access. Have it lying around, so the next time your daughter comes to visit you, she can easily pick it up and read it for herself. Without you prodding her to read it.
To start your own research, here's a few articles you can read up on:
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive Relationships http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Domestic violence http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_abuse
Stockport Domestic Abuse Forum http://s1.stockport.gov.uk/DAF/home.html
Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
Violence Against Women - What is Abuse? http://www.4woman.gov/Violence/signs/
Signs of Abuse/Abusive Relationships http://rappingonamelody.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!10E7CAB72959D790!237.entry
Signs of Abuse in a Relationship http://www.namb.net/site/c.9qKILUOzEpH/b.695551/k.9CD9/Signs_of_Abuse.htm
Abuse In Relationships http://teenadvice.about.com/od/abusedomestic/Abuse_In_Relationships.htm
Lots of Relationships Turn Abusive http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html
28 Signs of An Abuser http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2008/08/28-signs-of-abuser.html
Domestic Abuse - Why Do They Do It? http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/abuse/a/990407.htm
MyHEALTH Portal - Mental Health outcome and Rehab http://www.myhealth.gov.my/myhealth/eng/kanak_content.jsp?lang=kanak&storymaster=0&storyid=1196299336401&substoryid=1196386464680
"Diagnose an Abusive Relationship, Instantly. And Learn the 5 'Red Flags' to be Aware of..." http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ and http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/ipas_hc.php
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Help, Treatment, Intervention, and Prevention http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women http://dahmw.org/
Unfortunately, many more sites on Domestic/Spousal Abuse.
You may also want to more some research on the "statistics" on the percentage of abusers being successfully rehabilitated or "cured"
Again, the best thing right now is for you to tell your daughter that you will be there for her. BUT, if she shows signs of being continually disrespected by her boyfriend, you will voice your concern to her. Abuse is form of disrespect and disregard toward a basic human rights!
Cat
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 April 2009):
 All you can do is to just be there for her if OR when his true colors start showing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): You need to have a talk with your daughter regarding what she expects from this relationship, and whether she made sure that the guy has mended his ways, before she committed herself to this relationship. Has the counselling session and the drug program really helped him? As there is a 50% chance of him still being the same, it would be better to know how your daughter intends to deal with such a situation. You would be in a much better position then, to talk and subsequently reach some consensus with your daughter regarding this relationship.
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A
female
reader, minnie_me  +, writes (6 April 2009):
i understand that you are concerned for your daughter because of this man's past history but you cant realy show her that hes changed all you have got to do is warn her that he might not have changed and after you have done that all you can do is be there for her and support her if anything goes wrong. Good luck with everything!!
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