A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current for almost 2 years after several years of friendship. My issue is that we have very little to no contact..i mean kisses and hugs are it we enter the relationship knowing of each others desires and limitation. I am very sexual and she is not at all. We both encountered sexual abuse during our childhood, I was in her shoes for many years but when i let go i discovered a new expressive me. she on the other hand places it on the back burner never to be talked about until i have to talk about it. I feel guilty anymore to even bring it up, i have only brought it up three times since we started going out. i feel so selfish yet when it is time for me to have my needs fulfilled as well. She just really has no sexual desire at all and when she tries to it back fires and she crawls back into her shell so what Am I to do with all of this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 January 2010):
 Your question is hard... trauma and abuse from childhood has to be dealt with, otherwise it keeps you scared, frightened and trapped inside. You have grown and learnt to overcome some of your experiences, she has not, and inside she is still a frightened child. This is not good for you, you have come so far, and have learnt to appreciate and celebrate your adult sexuality. (sigh)
If you stay with her and things do not change, you will be going backwards, instead of growing stronger and more confident. In a way, this is another form of abuse. Unwanted, unintentional, but still something that traps you and keeps you frightened.. Not good, not good at all.
What can you do. Well, 2 years has set things in stone. Your the nice guy, your the friend, she's stuck you in a box and wants to keep you there. This is not fair. Many adults have been abused, raped, beaten, sold and even worse. They learnt to overcome, but this takes a lot of courage. She has nothing to loose by staying the same, and so much to loose by trying...
mmmmm... there are several books that deal with childhood abuse and surving and getting stronger. She might find some answers there. There are also groups for women and men who are suffered. Listening to stories of other people might help her become braver. Therapy will also help. There are techniques and things that you could do, but it's too difficult to go into here. You really need better advice than we have the space to give you. I suggest if she won't help herself, that you read the books, go to the groups or see a therapist yourself.
Make her know, that a healthy adult relationship includes sex. Give her an ultimatium, a promise to try to explore a sexual world with someone who loves her, and will always there to support her. That person is you. Explain that this no sex thing is damaging for you, because you have put away the past and want to be like everyone else. No longer afraid, no longer scared, but healthy and happy and in love...
A few words I offer, not nearly enough to solve your problem. Please get better advice from people who are experts at this. For yourself and your lady, you both deserve it.
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