A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I get over the fear of never finding the one? For the last 29 years (im turning 30) all I have focused on was finding a man. I've tried everything - I've lost weight - fixed my appearance- kept up with my degrees- but still I find myself in the arms of men that neglect me - are selsish and take advantage of me. My fear of ending up alone and turning old landed me in the arms of a man that broke up with me after six months because frankly he was so selfish and wanted to hang out with the boys all the time. I admit I was a sucker for lowering my standards and putting up with a man that wasn't a man but I feel so stuck- therapists have told me to get over this fear because this fear is paralyzingly me. I have done everything on the exterior - i work out everyday - men think im attractive - and I hold two degrees and a nice corporate job but I still manage to attract these men that take advantage of me- and are so mean - please help! This is the first time in my life that I am stepping back from a breakup and not trying to get anyone back- im not going out and hunting for prey either at the bars or clubs- im just alone and I want to be at peace- any advice?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2016):
 I think the answer is two-fold.
1. NEVER lower your standards, you should know by now that all you will get is disappointment and bad partners. Having a standard is PERFECTLY fine. JUST because a guy approaches YOU doesn't mean he is going to be a good match.
2. Accepting that there isn't just one "the one" out there for you. There are SEVERAL men who could be a good match. The only way to find them though is to NOT let the PAST hold you back and not NOT accept crap treatments from a guy JUST to be in a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): I think it is time to shift your focus. You are coming into a new decade of life, time to start something new with your feelings about what the definition of a good life is. Therapy can of course help with this. It sounds like you have a lot of positive things going on for you. I hope you can focus on this part of your life, and see that it is ok to be a single woman. If you start to be happy on your own, it will show to others and then you may be able to finally let a guy that is worthy of you find you. Stop trying to find him. Also ask yourself why you think you need to be part of a couple in order to be happy? Why is this really important? I hope you find that it is not really. Sure it might be nice sometimes, but in the grand scheme of things it looks like you have already shown that all that is good in your life comes from you and your own efforts. It is when you associate with those beneath you that you run into problems. Maybe take yourself out of the game for a set time, like 1 year or something. Take that time to become happy with your current situation being single. I bet it will work wonders on your self esteem. Spend time with friends, excel at your job and try to take on new responsibilities, go on a solo vacation, do things that you like to do 100% of the time and don't worry about catering to someone else for a while.I hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2016):
 "I admit I was a sucker for lowering my standards and putting up with a man that wasn't a man..."
If you refrain from this, you will find happiness and a great life, in the future. I GUARANTEE IT!!!!)
Good luck!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 June 2016):
 Firstly - 10 years, not 29. I'll give you since the age of 20, you've been wanting a decent guy - not birth. Part of your issue is exaggerating the "problem".Accept that you don't need to find "the one" right now. If you go out looking for "the one", but lower your standards in desperation or are too clingy to the idea of the person and not who they are, you'll continue this cycle.What you do is take a break, for 9 months, and just forget about "the one". Take 3 months out from dating altogether and, after that, date guys you're compatible with, who don't use you. If you feel that it's not working leave, take a little break and try again. If you're looking for "the one", you won't find him - just look for people you're compatible with long-term and take it slow, see how it goes. "The One" tends to find us by accident, like a switch that goes off in our head when we've been with someone for a while, it's not something you find by looking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2016): It sounds like you are a catch and any guy should be lucky to have you. Men can be really intimidated by attractive, successful women, and are probably scared to approach you or get jealous when they're with you, it's not your fault - it's theirs. Good on you for screwing them when they don't respect you!!
I'd recommend losing the mind frame & set goal, as soon as you drop thinking about guys and go out and enjoy the time in the moment you radiate & the guys will come flocking. Nothing changes if your worrying so for your well being change your mind frame, focus on what you do have going for you over the thing you don't, or it will only cause stress on yourself. Find ways to relax, and do more with your friends to help keep your mind of things.
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