A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my gf for 9 months now and living with her for about 5. I recently sold a flat and moved in with her whilst looking for a new one. I was about to buy a place but my gf appeared upset by the prospect of me moving out so I didn't and suggested that I take over her exes half of the mortgage - something she had suggested before. Now since then it transpires she has debt of around 20000 on top of her mortgage that she didn't tell ne about before. I'm now very confused as to whether I should continue with the mortgage sharing idea. Although she has a good job and earns good money I'm concerned that she lives beyond her means. I also just discovered that the roof has massive holes in it when I had a look in the loft- something else she didn't tell me before. My main concern is that she has manipulated me into doing something that's to her advantage and sorts out a few of her financial problems but leaves me with potential debt further down the line and in all sorts of trouble if we were to split up. She wants to get an estate agent to come in and value the property to work out how much I need to put in to make up half the mortgage. My concern with this is that estate agents tend to overvalue properties so again I'll end up paying more than I should to buy into the mortgage. I do love her and want to be with her but feel it should be on an equal footing perhaps in a new property - I just don't know how I can backtrack now and explain to her why I've got cold feet about the mortgage sharing without it seeming like I've got cold feet about the relationship in general.
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debt, her ex, money, moved in, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Grown Man Sir, why haven't you investigated into the property and possible leans/debts BEFORE making a financial investment/decision which should always happen regardless of who is involved. Business is Business.
I like Wordly Wise's approach to it all. Its absolutely fair.
If she gets upset, what can happen, really? The way I see it; its all good after you get out of the mortgage trap.
You aren't married so your money is your money.
Like omitting crucial information was fair, honest of her so really if anyone should feel 'entitled' to be angry...
Best of Wishes Dude!
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 It's not a financially good move for you and thats all you need to say. You are not married and don't feel like making that kind of financial commitment. There should be no problem with her (and ex) selling the property and getting out of her mortgage. The only reason she could not is if more is owed on the property than it's worth. In which case buying into that would be a terrible financial move.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2012):
 if you do this then later on when other problems surface you will feel like you can't leave due to financial obligations and ties... is that what you want?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): She must think she's the luckiest woman alive!
You have only been dating 9 months and are slowly finding out all her problems,financial and otherwise,there could be more shocks to come.
Do not take on her mortgage, let her sell the house,clear her debts and you either get a mortgage in your name only - or rent together.You wouldn't risk a bet on a 3 legged horse would you?
Just explain how you want to make a fresh start,no debts,with her,if she loves you she will understand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 January 2012):
 I would NOT take over some one's mortgage like she is suggesting. No, no no.
Because you know what would happen of you two broke up? You would be SOL - so out of luck with every penny you put into that mortgage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Getting involved with financial issues this early in a relationship is not good, as you have found. You need to get yourself out of this situation swiftly. It is going to be hard to say you don't want to pay now you have started. And do you feel committed enough to her to rent or buy a different property anyway? I would point out that you are helping her out on a temporary basis and that you don't want to pay rent on someone else's home on a long term basis. If you are going to set up together you want it on terms that suits both of you.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Run away very fast. This will only end in tears and financial problems later.
I agree 100% with BimBim
This is a really good way out for her, and I do worry that she might see you as a bit of a meal ticket. After only 9 months that is a serious financial risk and one I wouldn't be willing to take. For me, a house is something that should be in joint names ONLY when married as there are so many risks and factors to take into consideration.
You need to sit down with her and explain that after looking at the building, you do not feel it is financially worth the risk and would prefer to put your money into something that would INCREASE in value, rather than being a big black hole. Also, you are a new partner, not her old one. Starting afresh in a new place would also give the relationship a new beginning. Rather than just moving her old BF out and replacing him with you, you would actually be creating something together.
It has only been 9 months - how much do you actually know about her spending habits? Before you put any money in, I would be sure to know how she spends, in case she sees you as a free money box. *I dont have to worry as you will pay the bills if I can't* type of thing.
There is one way of putting it - she is 20K in debt.
- sell the house, pay off any debts she owes
- use remaining cash as a deposit for a joint place with you (rented or buying).
She would come out better that way. However I would be cautious about buying with someone after only 9 months.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): you are not responsible for her mortgage so stop.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 She sounds like a high investment risk, I wouldnt be sharing any financial dealings with her after only nine months.
B straight, tell her you have checked the building out and believe its would be a bad move financially. tell her you would prefer to start afresh in a different place, and on an equal footing.
Be warned, she may go spare if she sees the advantage to her waving bye bye, if that happens be thankful you found out now rather than later.
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