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Should I leave my marriage because of my husband's attitude towards his baby mama?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2019) 4 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2019)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This may not be the site to ask this question as some people do not believe in God. I believe there is a God and there is of course the devil. My Christianity has not been up to par and there were times I dealt with psychic before even a pundit.

My deceitful husband got married to me having a huge secret. When we were on a short break before we got married, he slept with his ex who got pregnant before we got married. We are now married for seven years. It was only after we got married by "beloved" husband disclosed the fact that he slept with his ex when we were on that break. This man told me that he did not know how to tell me, and he claimed that he did not know his ex got pregnant until after we got married. I foolishly forgave this man since we were on a break when that happened.

Now, as I said, I believe there is a God and I believe in the bible. I never experienced the honeymoon phase of my marriage. It has been baby mama drama like a month after we got married...I had a good paying job, financially stable but there was this altercation between me and the BM two years ago. ("Coincidence much" but I boasted about how I can handle my children well while she was at a dead end job...since then, my life went downhill. Who knows of the scripture verse, " he that boasts of himself shall be humble", well boy..hmm...I feel like I am facing the consequences of my mentality. I lost my job, faced two hard years financially. So I decided to go to an intercessor in my church, who later revealed to me that God showed her, that this BM is doing what you call necromancy...witchcraft.

She indicated to me that the BM is doing evil things to hinder my progress and she is trying to harm my children. Now I believe what this intercessor said because the psychic told me the same thing two years ago before I got retrenched. I asked God to forgive me for going to a psychic and I tried to stay on the right path. Now, whatever is happening in my life, the intercessor told me and I told my husband, and he does not want to believe that his precious BM is doing evil. Although there was a time he told me she said she hated me. I feel like I should just leave my husband because I think after him hearing someone especially an intercessor stating that his BM is trying to harm our children, he is just in denial like he thinks highly of her. I felt such bitterness towards him because it seems like he looks at her like a good person when she disrespected me on many different occasions. I know there are people here who do not believe in God, but those who do, do you think that I should just walk away because of his mentality?

View related questions: a break, christian, his ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2019):

I wish I had the opportunity to read your post and answer you sooner, my dear. I read both the original posting and your lengthy and very emotional response to the answers that you received.

When you ask for opinions in an open forum, you'll receive a myriad of opinions; and free-advice isn't always as well-packaged as professional-advice. It's coming from layman and random readers; not from someone licensed and professional, who has had the chance to actually sit-down with you. Someone who has had the opportunity to discuss your problems in detail and over time. No-one knows you here! The best we can do is empathize; or draw on our own experience to offer some comforting, or informative words of wisdom.

I'm not perfect, I don't know you, and I will not sit-up on a high-horse and tell you about your life. I have to draw from your words and the details you've offered; and see if I can offer you wisdom and sound advice.

You don't have a problem I haven't seen or heard of before. It's "baby-mama drama," and a cheating-husband who plays stupid in-between two women he impregnated. His careless unprotected sexual-activity has ultimately created a triangle of drama; that will likely last as long as you all may live.

Usually in these triangles (babies on both sides), the women are going at each other. Fighting over a worthless and shiftless man, neither seems to realize isn't worth all the trouble. Instead, jealousy and possessiveness prevails; and he becomes the instigating-force behind a perpetual-catfight. Both females vying for their territorial-rights to what amounts to a lump of useless human-flesh; who carelessly spread his seed all-over the place, and leaves nothing but a wake of destruction behind him.

You and the "BM," as you refer to her, are both going to have to come to terms that both of you can't have him. Unless like King Solomon wisely suggested to two mothers claiming to be the mother of one child. Cut him in-half!!!

You are ALL behaving badly!!! You should know better, if you want to be a good Christian-woman. You've invited a world of trouble into your own spiritual-life by ascribing to divination and using psychics. You're engaging in a mixture of Christian-theology and using individuals who practice the arts of darkness and witchcraft. They don't mix! You'll grieve the Holy Spirit, who leaves, and you invite darkness in. Left vulnerable to who knows what!

Through His endless mercy and boundless grace, God allows us to seek deliverance; but you can't waiver back and forth. Using whatever means or ways "you think" is your best weapon of spiritual-warfare. It shows you have no faith. God is God all by Himself, and there is nothing He can't do. His Son Jesus Christ is His one and only intercessor; and any human claiming to be is a liar!

1 Timothy 2:5 "For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;"

Ephesians 6:13 - "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

I suggest you find yourself a different church; and seek deliverance as strictly instructed in your Bible. I don't have any idea what you're describing about evil works against you. If you're both messing around with West African spirituality and spells, you both better look for Christian churches that do not ascribe to such dark and unholy practices. That's why your minds are all confused and you're caught-up in fear. You'll lose faith and belief in God.

If you want my opinion, I will offer you this. If your man doesn't give himself to God for salvation and deliverance, and you're all hellbent on a nasty game of drama and treachery; you're all making a terrible life for the children. They are more important than your silly feud over a no-good man! You're paying most of the bills anyway; and you know you've got the Lord with you. You'll do fine without him!

Your fierce and feudal competition against his "BM" won't allow you to let him go. Fearing she'll get him. He's not doing you much good, is he??? You've got her against you, his mother against you, your own mother is questionable where her loyalties lie; and he does nothing but act as if he's oblivious to everything.

You have no choice but to make peace with the other mother of his child; because she is linked to your life and his other children through that child. If he doesn't man-up to make peace between you; then give him up, and seek legal child-support. So far, you've fought a losing-battle!

If he wanted all this to stop, he would have and could have stopped it long ago. You and the other woman are playing with divination and witchcraft; and the one bad-element causing all the trouble is right under your noses. Your no-good cheating-husband, that you're fighting over tooth and nail.

You haven't been able resolve anything with him in your life. Now have you? Is he working as hard to keep you, as you are to keep him? Look at the long posts you've written. That's a woman in pain, and nearly out of her mind!

If he was out of your life, he'd take all the trouble with him. If she wants him, let her have him! You can do bad all by yourself! When two women never settle differences over a man; he ends up with a totally different woman altogether!

If you need someone who will never let you down, and help you through this, give your life back to Jesus. He'll help you find a good man. You've done nothing but suffer for the one you have; and you're dealing with the mess he made.

Either make a truce to get along with his baby's mother; or let him go. As for his mother, she's just another troublemaker fanning the flames. If he goes, she goes with him! Problem solved! He gets his scheduled visits with the kids. Grandmother only gets to see the kids, if she behaves. Otherwise, she is off-limits!

God protects the righteous, and witchcraft is no match; if your faith is where is belongs! Pray without ceasing! Every single-day!

Find churches that don't mix or Orisha faith to scare people. The continent of Africa is full of voodooism. Working for the devil towards destroying the truth of the gospel. Only Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. It's true, because He said so! He said it, I believe it, and that settles it!

The devil is enjoying your suffering, and all the commotion. You're serving it up to him on a silver platter by believing there is any force stronger than God! If your husband can't control his mother, and that other woman; then you've got to remove all of them from your life.

If he doesn't share your faith in God, you're unevenly yoked anyhow! If you claim yourself to be a Christian; then you know that your marriage will only work, if sanctioned and blessed by God! If he joined a church and connected in faith and belief with you to save your marriage; as a couple, that's your only hope. That's why it's not working. She's not doing evil spells against you. Your marriage is already messed-up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2019):

Sorry for this very very long response...

I knew I was way in over my head posting my situation in a forum such as this. I have been depressed for as long as I could remember. The whole baby mama drama was on her part. I have always been a very humble quiet individual. I have been a great wife to my husband. Supporting him financially and emotionally in whatever he wanted to do. That day I had that altercation with that woman, it was because my mother in law made it seem like i do not help my husband financially with our children when in fact I was the main breadwinner in the home. Paying the bills, mine and my 80% of husband's own, buying whatever we needed, whatever our children needed and wanted whilst my husband contributed a little when I asked him for financial assistance. His mother is the type of person that would come and tell me all sorts of negative things about his BM, and she would go and tell her negative things about me. My mother in law is not an ambitious woman and rather depend on men to financially support her. So when I used to finish working late, she would say that I am going to meet some guy. My mother in law was accustomed to him giving her a certain amount of money, but there were times when I felt like he was not contributing and it was becoming overwhelming so I talked to him about how i felt like i am being taken advantaged of. I never liked depending on anyone, so when I got paid whatever needed to be done I used to do it, so he had the liberty to do whatever he pleased with his income but it came to the point where I needed him to do what a father and husband does, provide as he should. So after I spoke to him about him contributing, he used to tell his mother he has to buy groceries or our children needed to some things, and he couldn't afford to give her as she used to, she decided to tell his BM that i don't take care of my children. And that very great morning of that altercation, his BM told him she can't drop their son to school since she was running late for work and she dropped him at our house. She then told my husband she wanted to talk to him, so he stood by our gate talking for a good 20-30 minutes talking and their son and our sons had to go to school and our 1 year old had to go to daycare. My dad drops our boys to school and he didn't reach just yet and my husband drops our last son to daycare. I had to go to work and when his BM decided to ask him if she can speak with him, I was about to leave which would have allowed me to reach to work on time. I could not leave all the little children in the house and go to work while they were having their conversation outside. So i stepped outside and said, i thought she was late because I was very displeased. If she was late, and needed to talk to him, then why did she keep herself back over 30 minutes later when she could have spoken to him at a later time that day. What was their conversation about? It was about his mother said and his BM knows she causes conflict and told him, i can not be going through all what he put me through, and I wouldn't cheat on him and she told him that his mother said i have someone else and I don't take care of our children. His mother even said all he cares about is our children and me and he gives me all of his money and he doesn't give her a dime. So his BM decided to shout at me in front of our home, after I angrily asked "I thought she was late?!" She shouted that I need to take care of my children and stop depending on my husband. That is why I stood my grounds and put her in her place, and boasted about me being capable of taking care of my children... I never told her she has a dead end job, I am not a person to cause conflict, i try my best to stay out of it. But I was I was so angry she was making me reach late to work. When she said that I need to help my husband, i thought he pretended like i do not help him when both him and I knew that i was the main provider. But later on he showed me the messages where she asked him why he is with me, and reiterated all what his mother told her. When I told her that I do take care of my children, I meant financially provide for them since she was indicating that I do not do so.

"If your husband was writing in, I would definitely advise him to look at walking away from YOU. He sounds like he deserves a lot better. Do you know what the difference is though? HE would probably refuse to walk away from you because he is a good person."

Sometimes I do agree with some of your responses and some of the other agony aunts' but when you do see disgusting and vile responses such as these, it only leaves one to think people like you are in no position to give any advice. You say I act like I do can do no wrong? Really??? Just by that post you got all of that...I am not perfect, I am well aware of that and know when to take responsibility and hold myself accountable of my actions. I have been nothing but faithful to my husband, a loving wife, when he was down financially, I took the financial burden on my shoulders, whenever he was down emotionally, I supported him despite him not wanting my support and wanted space to think...HE CHEATED ON ME, and I forgave him for the sake of our children. After I had our last son (who was never planned and I used to take an injection as means of contraceptive), his BM asked him to put me and our three children inclusive of a newborn out of our house so she and her son could live with him as she wants her son to have the family she never had. She told him that she hates me, so when I felt like he did not believe what I was told, made me wonder how can he not see her to be the wicked person that she is. I never said that he must disrespect her or anything of the sort. Sometimes in these posts you see people say one thing and some of you agony aunts take a full 180* turn, and have your own perspective of what a person said. I mean, thankfully I am not weak minded, knowing what I am going through, knowing that I have been a good wife to my husband, seeing someone belittle me to the point where they are indicating that they would advise my husband to walk away from me after he betrayed me and dishonored our marriage, smh! Some people may just go into a deeper depressed state.

As for the spiritual aspect of things, yes, this is way in over your heads. This very BM said to my husband that I am doing evil against her when I could really care less about what she does and the only time I contacted anyone of a spiritual nature was concerning my job and finances. Countless times she told him someone is working evil against her and him, when it has no logic since my children would be negatively affected. She would say to him a "counselor" told her that he loves me and he would not leave me, or she was told that she is up against a serious spiritual warfare when I don't have the time or care to even go by anyone to do anything of a spiritual nature to harm her. I do not believe in doing things to hurt anyone. In my country there are people of the Hindu and Orisha faith who deals with those rituals to hurt people, some of their rituals includes animal sacrifices. I mean, yes there are atheist out there who do not believe God exist but there are people who get hurt by these things...seeing is believing.

So the whole point of my question was, after him being told that she hates me, seeing her disrespectful messages to me when she thinks I have his phone when it is he who ignores her calls (many times I have gone to work and she would send me disrespectful messages thinking I have his phone when both of us aren't even in the same place as he is at work as well and she just calls him so many times during the day like she is obsessed), the fact that she asked him to put me and our children out so she can give her son a family and yes, the many times she told him someone is doing evil against him and that I am doing evil against her, after him seeing all her actions, why doubt she would go to the orisha faith and do a ritual?

There were times my mother made hurtful statements to me when we had an argument, and he would be like, my mother does not like me when my mother has been there for me and would go above and beyond to help with our children. But he would think that his BM cares about me because she indicated to him one time that she knows I have it hard. So I reminded him about all what she did and said and he was like sometimes people say things they do not he was so defensive of her after she has been disrespectful to me, forget me, this woman wanted him to put our children out...we just had a baby and she wanted our children gone, she basically tried to break us up on many occasions, even told me she loves my husband, all of that, and yet the person who is there for me and our children doesn't like me but his BM cares and said things she doesn't mean? How could that be right? He has to deal with her for the sake of their son, but I believe there should be boundaries especially with her history and HIS betrayal. I feel like he does not care to protect us. When he cheated he started drinking alcohol and I knew something was wrong. Sometimes I just feel he is not worth all this trouble. He is the only man I was ever with and whilst on a break, he turned to her...claimed he went to drop the child an afternoon and she pushed up herself on him...I just feel so disgusted toward him knowing all that he put me through and yes, I made a decision to try and make our marriage work for the sake of our children. I may be stupid for still being in this marriage, but I see that he is trying to be a better husband and showed remorse for what he did. As for his BM, she still asks him to leave me although he keeps telling her he what happened with them was a mistake and he is not leaving me...I am just tired of it all!

I came for advice but a word of advice to you...before judging someone after seeing the tip of the iceberg, try being empathetic and put yourself in their shoes and asks some questions before you come off as an unsavory person!!!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (16 September 2019):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhat country are you in, the church with the intercessor sounds wacky … and the stuff about witch craft is not something I would expect to hear in any Christian church I know of.

You husband has a child other than with you, its best for that child, AND your children, if he can treat the child with love and show the mother respect, as the mother of his child.

In my opinion all children should be raised with love. How can your husband expect his out of marriage child to grow up with confidence and a sense of self if you are just wanting to punish the mother for existing.

It sound like you are disrespectful towards her.

It also sounds like you are quite happy to listen to psychics and wacky stories about witchcraft if they suit your purpose but decry them when they don't. I think you need to listen to your husband and find a church that is a little more mainstream.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 September 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think you are correct in your assumption that this is probably not the best forum on which to get advice on this situation. Not because we "don't believe in God" but because, to the best of my knowledge, none of the aunts and uncles have much knowledge of "witchcraft", which is totally separate. What intrigues me is that you say you believe in God AND witchcraft. Isn't the belief in witchcraft and the like directly opposed to the beliefs of the christian religions? Or do you just pick and choose what you like from the bible?

While I have no knowledge of the contents of your post regarding witchcraft, I can smell a trouble maker a mile away, and I can also recognize good people. Your husband sounds like a GOOD grounded person. You would do well to take guidance from him. He has children with two women but, regardless of who their mother is, they are HIS children. Why should he blame his ex for the condescending manner in which YOU spoke to her? Why should he blame her for your karma? She is still the mother of HIS child and as such he SHOULD respect her unless he is given very good reason not to.

Just from your side of the story (and I would love to hear your husband's side and the side of the ex), YOU sound like the toxic person in all this. Your husband's ex does not owe you ANYTHING. She is doing her best to bring up a child who your husband fathered. What right do you have to speak to her as you did?

If your husband was writing in, I would definitely advise him to look at walking away from YOU. He sounds like he deserves a lot better. Do you know what the difference is though? HE would probably refuse to walk away from you because he is a good person. You, on the other hand, have this strange sense of entitlement which makes you believe you can do no wrong. You need to take a good look at yourself and start listening to your husband instead of some "intercessor" preying on people who are all too willing to believe evil of someone they don't like.

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