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Should I stay with a no ambition burger flipper?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2014) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm 18 and well I'm going to college pretty soon I asked my boyfriend that we needed a break because he keeps lying he has no no career goals he works in a fast food restaurant if he wants a future with me he has to know that flipping burgers won't be enough to pay bills should I stay with him

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (23 June 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP, clearly you don't value this young man. I think that you should consider ending it.

Unlike others I do not think YOU can motivate him to do what YOU want him to do. I have never felt that anyone can be motivated by external sources. I believe all motivation comes from internal drives of the person. He may not care about education or what he does etc. IF YOU CARE however, it will color negatively what you think about and how you feel about this man. If you can't get past what you think and feel about him doing what he's doing and living like he is, then it might be best to "take a break" which is really just the soft way to break up....

FWIW my husband probably makes more than twice what your fellow makes. Which is not a lot around here and it's still over 33k less than I make. Yes that's right I am and always will be the primary breadwinner in our home. WHO makes more does not matter. What matters is that both parts of a couple are doing their best and contributing 'equally'

in our home "equally" means what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine... we have ONE communal pot that we share everything... it's how we like it.

for other couples it might be that you each give 75% of your take home to the household and keep 25% of it for yourself...

or each pay a percentage of the household bills based on what percentage of the household income your salary is...

lots and lots of options.

In every relationship someone has to earn less than someone else.... why does the woman have to be the lower wage earner in the 21st century?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

I personally think you should end it. Not because your boyfriend works at a burger joint but because you obviously want different things.

You're only 18 years old and, no offence, have no clue what the real world is like. I don't flip burgers but i do, currently, work a low paid job. Is it because i'm unambitious? No. High paid jobs or exciting jobs are not easy to come by, even if you go to college. A lot of people go to work everyday to jobs that they don't particularly like because they need the money to survive.

The is reality for a lot of people, they don't have a choice where they work and, if i'm honest, people like you make me pretty angry because you're looking down on hard-working, good people who are no worse than you. Somebody's worth isn't determined by how much money they have in the bank. It would do you good to remember that some day.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntOne of my nephews is 23 and is a manager of a Fast food chain. He started out working at this Fast Food place to make extra money to put him through college, then he got offered the night manager job at 20, took it and 2 years later he got moved to a much bigger location as Manager. He NEVER planned to have a career in Fast Food, but so far he is doing pretty well for himself. Taking some College courses on the side as well as working.

I have to agree with Cerberus. You should end it, because you are more focussed on having a man who can GIVE you things. MATERIAL things.

You say you are soon starting college but you have a career already that you are focussing on... That is good FOR you. Go for YOUR goals, but to have these expectations for your BF is a little premature if you ask me.

Maybe he is trying to figure out what his goals are, not everyone knows at 16-20 what they want to be "when they grow up" - most people I know (I'm in my 40's) have changed career path AT LEAST twice in their 20's.

He is stingy? Well, he WORKS fast food... not exactly GREAT PAYING job is it? Maybe he is SAVING up for a car or a place to live?

I think you should let him go, so he can find a girl who can appreciate him for WHO he is, not how much money he is making or what line of work he is in.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

Thanks wiseowle this answered my question I'll try to motivate him more I really like him is just want to have better goals

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 June 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntSo... take the break. After a while, you and he might (ever) meet up again, and your joint places in life might be more in keeping what you'd like to see in a mate.

In the meantime, study hard and see how YOUR life goes...

Good luck...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

He's only 18, and there aren't many employment-options open to people at your age; let alone for those twice your age.

He IS working, and getting job experience. Therefore at least getting a taste of being in the workaday world. You shouldn't judge, if you don't yourself have a job of any kind. You're probably relying on someone else to fund your education. Your parents maybe? Do you have a scholarship?

Some students works hard enough to earn scholarships and their parent owe little to nothing toward their educations.

Some students don't have to borrow student loans. Do you?

Encourage him to get an education to open himself to better employment options down the road; which is good for us all to do. However; you aren't guaranteed not to be burger-flipper yourself, if things happen along the way that the economy doesn't allow you better options. Or, you get laid off; and can't quickly find a position to keep the bills paid. Sometimes things don't go as planned. Some burger-flippers have degrees, and the job-market just didn't offer them better opportunities. It may only be temporary, but sometimes necessity dictates what you have to do.

It is good to have ambition. Some people are happy with the simpler things in life, and should not all be lumped in the category of being a slacker or lazy.

They may find contentment in just getting buy, but will not ask another person for a thing. Many people I know like that are very generous; and will give you the shirt of their backs, if they really like you. They volunteer and donate their time to help others.

I will advice you to keep things in the right perspective. You don't motivate people by snubbing your nose at them, and you never know where you'll end-up when things take the wrong turn.

If you no longer want him as a boyfriend, then let him know and move on. Don't put him down; but you can say that you plan to follow your dreams and be successful someday. Wish him the best, and be on your way.

Good luck on your journey!

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntOp you sound quite Naïve to be fair. If your boyfriend is of similar age to yourself, say around 18 or 19, then trying to find ANY job at that age is so, so hard. Even a burger bar job will have hundreds of applicants, many of which are highly qualified people. Harder still is keeping a job. You should be congratulating you BF on finding a job, keeping it for these last nine months, and demonstrating a good work ethic and ability to get a job and keep it. Instead you question his integrity because, at this young age and early stage of his career, with no real experience, he is not doing what? Managing a company? Running a business? Earning a fortune? Doing something exciting and glamorous? NOBODY walks it a decent job at such a young age.

You say that YOU have a career and yet you are at, or will shortly be going, to college? So how does that work? Either you have graduated and got a job in your chosen field or you are studying towards that chosen career in the hope that it will work out.

No disrespect OP but its one thing to SAY you are going to do something career wise, quite another to actually achieve it. I don't want to sound rude but at 18, and with further studies to come, you may have a job but you do not yet have a career.

You sound quite shallow and petty. Well all have to start somewhere, and some of the worlds most successful people started out doing shit jobs most of us wouldn't dream of. If he is fresh from high school your BF will not yet have the experience of work to get a decent paying job and its only by starting at the bottom, sticking with it for a while, and proving his work ethic that he can go on to better things. Flipping burgers can be used on a CV to demonstrate many positives: good customer service, health and safety, food hygiene, demonstrating the ability to use the food resources effectively, etc.

You say you know you can earn more money than him but that's not true. You have no way of knowing what your future holds. There is no shortage of bright, intelligent, driven, young people your age with vast qualifications who cant get jobs of any kind, let alone a decent paying one, because of their age and lack of experience in this incredibly tough job market.

You say he is stingy, in what way? Do you want a man to buy you lots of materialistic things? Buy your commitment with expensive stuff? If so do this hard working lad a favour and find a sugar daddy. When you are earning more than him then maybe consider your option, until then accept that he is out there earning money and holding down a job, something many young guys cant be bothered with.

Mark

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

bronzed adonis agony auntYou should find yourself someone with the same goals as you. You may find someone without personality, who`s no fun, who puts money and success first-but hey!! atleast he`s as rich and successful as you yourself aspire to be. Guys like that often date supermodel types, so hopefully you fit into that category too.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntOp what do you do for a living? While he is in the real world of work, having found employment and kept that going for 9 months, in these very tough economic and poor job market, presumably your still studying and assuming you are going to walk into a highly paid job when you graduate? I know a LOT of people who graduate from college/University and do you know what many of them ended up doing? Flipping burgers!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

I agree with Cerberus. Have you ever had a job flipping burgers for a measles wage but you do it anyway because a job is a job? Not by the sounds of it.

He's stingy? You mean that he doesn't waste all of the millions he gets? Ever considered that, since he's not warning a lot right now, it's financially RESPONSIBLE to be "stingy"?!

You're striving for a career, and that's great, but you also want someone who will throw their money around for you and that's not this guy, which I think is a good trait of his. Why spend it on an 18 year old girlfriend when you could save that up for your future? Or did you not stop to consider that?

Look, OP, it doesn't seem like you're very attached to reality because, if you already have the opportunities to strive for a career, you have never experienced not knowing what you want to do for the next 50 years of your life and feeling crappy about being DEDICATED to flipping burgers for 9 months straight because it's better than no job at all.

Please break up with him and tell him that you appreciate his work ethic (yes, you can lie here), but you don't think you're compatible. I say you can lie because that boy is a diamond in the rough WITH ambition and dedication, who is sensible and financially responsible, and he deserves to be told that his work ethic ISN'T a problem.

It's well within your rights to break up with him and want someone who isn't "stingy" and who knows immediately what career they want, but you don't need to hurt him by blaming it on his financial and work habits.

May I ask what jobs you've had, OP?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

God no, you should run a mile and let him find a girl who values him for more than just his paycheck.

You want a guy with money or wants to make lots of money to spend on you, so go find a guy who's on the same page, it's that simple.

While I completely disagree with you in terms of the importance of this, it's your life and if money is the most important thing to you in it then that's your right.

I mean obviously the fact that the guy is willing to flip burgers to rather than do nothing at all to make some money is not good enough for you. You also don't see that doing a soul destroying job that has long hours and low pay for 9 months shows that he has a good work ethic and is willing to do what it takes is a very good sign of personal responsibility, to you it's not enough. Go find yourself a medical student or drug dealer, someone who cares about money as much as you and is willing to spoil you.

You deserve a guy who can give you what you want and he deserves a woman who will want more than just what's in his wallet now or in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

He could be manager within two years. There`s plenty room to move upwards in burger flipping because in the USA burgers are in big demand. Why be so flippant?

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A female reader, Hanii_90805 United States +, writes (21 June 2014):

We recently graduated out of highschool and well he's been working there for the past 9 months he's also very stingy were both 18 and well I have a career I wanna focus on and I know I will make more than he would flipping burgers

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

By the way, Mark's reminded me that it is extremely difficult to get a job - so any job is something (believe me, I've been searching for 8 months and still nada! Not even interviews are given for some big shops without doing a test online first!)

My response is based on your comment that he has no goals because I don't see burger flipping as a relationship problem unless that's his long term plan and not yours.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (21 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHow old is he? The job market at present, especially for young people is dire! How long has he being flipping those burgers and does he do any studies or anything other than that?

Mark

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014):

Burger flipping is a career choice. For most people, it's just a job to get paid, but it's actually a possibly good career choice if you plan to open your own burger place. However, since he's not, you're best of growing as a person while he stays where he's happy.

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