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Should I go to my boyfriend's best friend's birthday party? I don't want any more drama!

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 May 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Ive been seeing my boyfriend for about 10 months, exclusive for 6 months. Its going brilliantly! And we get a long so well. But last week hit a bit of a problem. So we have gradually been introducing each other to family and friends etc and its going well. Except last friday we were out with his work friends for someones birthday, ive met most of them before but not this one woman, hes told me about her before though and said how she previously had a crush on him and has told me of how shes written him letters etc but he has told her he doesnt like her in that way and has distanced himself from her. Anyway we went to this party, i thought it seemed a little awkward but not too bad, until toward the end of the night when she asked to speak to me outside, i went and she told me of how she loves my boyf and shes upset seeing us together. Honestly i wasnt too apologetic i just said i didnt need to hear about her feelings and that as we were in a relationship she needed to accept that he was taken, anyway she started getting more upset and saying things about how i wouldnt be round for long until he moved onto the next 1 etc so i walked away and told her not to speak to me anymore and that was it. Anyway no more drama occured. However, does anyone think that maybe my boyfriend should have then spoken to her about her behaviour as its completely inappropriate?

Anyway tomorrow night is my boyfriends best friends birthday night out. Ive met all his boy friends and get along well with them. However his best friend remains really good friends with my boyfriends ex and she will be at the party. My boyf and her had a terrible break up and when we first got together he was still receiving messages from her saying she missed him. Anyway they hadnt spoken for ages but saw each other at new year and were civil to each other. Anyway so my boyfriend usually avoids any social events if she is there but feels he has to go as its his best friends bday my boyf has asked me to go along but i just dont want anymore drama.

I know she'll be there with her friends and all i will know is a few of the boys. My boyfriend feels he has to go and is said i am

welcome to go too but i dont know what to do for the best. Go or not?

View related questions: best friend, crush

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYES YOU GO! YOU go and you hold your head high and you just ignore her insanity. Go and ignore her. If she follows you outside to talk you look straight at her and say "I have heard what you said the last time you spoke to me and i have nothing to say to you and wish to hear nothing from you please do not bother me any more." and walk away from her.

If she follows you... say "I do not wish to speak to you"

anything she says you say "I do not wish to speak to you"

and that is all you say to her. NOTHING else. do not get into it with her and give her nothing back and she will stop.

SHE is not your problem she is her own problem.

Did you tell your bf what she said to you outside?

I think he knows what a drama queen she is and he avoids her the best he can for various reasons.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

Abella agony auntThere is nothing stronger than a united team.

She will no doubt try to be divisive.

So adopt a broken record response to her if she tries to communicate with either of you.

So she tries to flirt with him. Tell him to ignore it and walk back to join you.

So she tries to speak to him:

Him: a diplomatic and not rude one sentence remark that makes it clear that he's not interested.

She tries to say something nasty to you:

You: a diplomatic and not rude one sentence remark that makes it clear that you are not interested in talking to her.

You and him are together and she makes a uncalled for remark:

Him: wraps his arm around you and lets her know that he's already got his hands full with the nicest girl in the room, namely you.

Don't show emotion that lets her think she is upsetting one or both of you.

Just be bored and uninterested in her.

Your motto should be that both of you are fully engaged enjoying each other's company.

If she keeps up the pressure then clearly she has a big problem.

Don't give her any ammunition that could lead to her complaining about you. Or lead others to claim you were being mean to her.

Do remain well mannered, courteous and diplomatic with her

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014):

I would discuss it with your bf and mention you don't want any more drama. I wouldn't talk with anyone simply because they ask you too. It seems the ex is not going to do what this other woman did but who knows. Just keep in mind that people that stay friends with the ex and socialize even on an occasional basis will expect you to always be a part of that. If they are really good friends that person will become a fixture of your life too assuming you stay together.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (30 May 2014):

I usually agree with wiseowl,but in this case I don't. Your boyfriend is trying to avoid her because she is stalking him and is obsessed.

I would go if I were you, if she tries to talk to you again I would repeat what you said last time, and about her after that as you did last time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntGo with your BF and don't let the EX be the center of attention. Just be civil IF you have to talk to her, which you most likely don't really have to.

If she wants to talk to you alone, I'd suggest you tell her that you don't really have anything to say to her, nor do you think she has anything to say to you.

Go and enjoy the fun. You can't go through live trying to avoid living because you might bump into an ex.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 May 2014):

Ciar agony auntYou seemed to handle the situation fine so there was no need for him to join in and escalate things.

Without making any demands or even remotely sounding accusing, come up with a plan of action you BOTH feel comfortable with, in the event the woman gets close to or crosses the line.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014):

If your boyfriend continuously avoids social events where his ex shows up; he may not be completely over the trauma and/or the relationship. Your relationship is pretty new.

He may also be doing it a little for your benefit as well; if he senses your discomfort when she's around you. He may be trying to avoid her creating a scene. He may also be dodging her more for your protection. Time for both of you to grow up, be that the case.

Judging by his civility at the New Year's celebration; he may be getting over his issues where she's concerned.

Are you over yours? That is the question.

He can't let her hinder his participation in the celebration of his best friend's birthday. That is empowering her, and giving her all the more reason to attend, if she knows it upsets either of you. Don't let that happen.

If you both decide to go; I might suggest you not let anyone pull you aside. I commend you on how classy and effectively you handled his infatuated co-worker. After that, I can understand how any other women showing-up in his life will spook you. You haven't been together that long.

It is quite unsettling when there is always some questionable association, or conflict, going on between your new partner and other people. If your mate is in your age-group between 30 and 35, he is going to have a few women in his past. They don't disappear off the face of the earth. They are likely to appear from time to time. After-all, it's a small world. You have to be strong and able to handle these occasions.

Remain secure and try not to be paranoid. He was forthcoming, and warned you about the weird co-worker. She sounds a bit daft, and she intentionally wanted to plant a seed of doubt in your mind to undermine your relationship. You're old enough to know that people do these things, and they are motivated by jealousy.

As for the birthday party, it's about his best friend; not his ex-girlfriend.

If you both keep your minds focused on the party and the "man of the hour" where it belongs; I think everyone will have a great time. You're letting too much drama interfere with your relationship and your social-lives. You are going to have to learn to let these things bounce off, without leaving dents in your relationship.

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